In this season of my life I am not very involved in the HS ministry with Jeff. I try to be seen, but don’t lead anything and usually don’t even make it to a service except at the end with my kids. So the other day I checked my kids into child care and decided to go to the HS service with Jeff instead of “Big Church”. I got inspired and wanted to sit at a table with students to talk and lead some discussion. So I scoped out a table of students that looked like they were not connecting so well. To pump myself up I thought, “I’ve done this before, I’m good with students, I’m pretty cool, here I go…” I approached the table, introduced myself to the 4-5 girls and sat down with them. Within seconds all the girls got up and moved to a different table! So there I was, sitting alone at a big round table feeling so good about ministry. Awesome.
What do you do? Keep trying? I don’t know that I want to, or have the energy.
Sometimes it is hard to just accept that this is not my season, sometimes I’m fine with it.
Does anyone else flip-flop like me?
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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De-lurked here just to tell you that I’m in the same boat. I’m married to a youth pastor, we have one 4 year old whom, sweet as she is, is the main reason why I’m not more involved in my husband’s ministry. I feel….actually we feel together….that even though it’s weird not having that relationship with the kids, my job right now is to be there for our daughter. When we were married, our pastor said that my job as a Christian wife is to make sure I’m doing all I can to support and help my husband fulfill his call in life (ministry). So…..I’m in the same boat….but I’ve kind of accepted the fact that for now, until my daugther gets older, that’s MY ministry. Being there for my daughter when daddy can’t.
God Bless!
Not a wife, but the husband – the youth minister. Early in our ministry years, the same sentiment was made by search committees and the such – that my wife was part of the package. A sort of buy 1 get 1 free.
Over the past 8 years I’ve made it very clear in any meetings with staff and committee that my wife is an independent person. She has been given spiritual gifts that she will use in the church where she feels led to do so. She does lend a big hand as a host for some activities and especailly staff get-togethers. But, she is not youth minister, jr. She is not required to be actively involved with the students, unless she chooses.
God bless the wives of (youth) ministers!!
Amanda, I totally understand and empathize with you. We have a 2-year old so I’m not even going to camps this year. Whenever one of the teens find this out, I get incredulous looks as if I’m doing something very weird. We moved to this church just after Ella turned one. Immediately, she learned she could charm a crowd, so I’ve had to show up at the beginning of youth mtg. with her to greet and then we end up in the nursery by ourselves until music time at the end. I’m there to be seen and occasionally chat with some of the teens, but I feel useless and wonder why I’m even there. We live in the parsonage across the parking lot so it is tempting to just go home, but she likes the music and being with the teens and I know my husband likes to see us there. He has stated up front that Ella comes before his ministry and I am not the assistant youth pastor. But, when I do get to occasionally be in SS with the teens and my hubby, I feel like a sore thumb.
I used to fit in, be the one the girls came up to, knew all the inside stuff that the mothers didn’t even know. Now, I’m the last to know the normal stuff.
Hang in there. I’m sure you don’t want to try again, but maybe a different group of girls will give you a chance. OR, wear some funky shoes or bright green polish on your toenails–those are always great conversation starters for girls!
First let me just say what a blessing this site has been to me. I am also married to a youth pastor and can sympathize, empathize and laugh with you about so many of your posts. We have been in youth ministry for our entire married life (7 years) and have a one year old baby boy. This last year has completely changed my role with the youth, and it has been one of the toughest things I have ever dealt with. I can completely relate to this post. I have days of feeling completely okay with the fact that I am a mom first and a youth staff second, and other days I would give anything to be able to be involved in students lives again the way I used to be. The only thing I can suggest, that I have started trying to do is to be consistent with the students, even if it is just 15 minutes during fellowship every Sunday morning. I think students respond so much better to staff who are consistent. I know it’s hard, and I know that every week is different, but it seems like finding something on a weekly basis to be consistent at with the students, might help them to begin feeling more comfortable with you again. Just a suggestion–maybe not even a good one!
We have a 20-month-old little girl. Pre our daughter….if my husband was there I was there! I have always been a small group leader and never missed ANY function that we did. I can count on 1 hand how many Wednesday nights I have missed in our 6 years of student ministry. One of them was when I was in labor with our Emma and had to call my husband off stage to take me to the hospital! I mourned the fact that I knew my role would change. I then felt like the worst mom in the world for mourning the loss of student ministry over my daughter. It was a no win situation. I love my child more then life itself and would do ANYTHING for her. I know my first job is to be a godly wife and mother and 2nd ministry to other people. For me and this is only FOR ME I in no way am suggesting that either way you do it is right or wrong…..but FOR ME I really felt like God was telling me my role in his/our ministry should not change. It has been HARD to balance both but my husband has a GREAT assistant that takes care of her on Wednesday nights and we get the grandparents to come in town for events. I do not do EVERYTHING but I do most things. Right now we are doing what it takes to make it work until I feel like God tells me something different.
PLEASE KNOW that even you never darken the door of the student room…you are making a HUGE difference in your husband’s ministry by what you do at home.
Do not buy into the lie that Satan is trying to feed you that you have to do and be everything to everybody. Listen to God. If he says go love on some students….go love on some students. If He says go love on your husband and children….go love on your husband and children. If He says do both….do both. Rest in the freedom we are given in Christ and power to do only what HE CALLS YOU TO DO.
aaa that sucks, to have them all walk away.
Nothing like that to boost the ministry confidence! I have 3 kids so i get the whole involvement dilemma. I have to echo what one of the other posters said is that it helps to be consistent. I try to follow the same guidelines my hubby puts forth for the rest of the volunteer staff. He requires them to be consistent, and if something comes up in life, or they need a break, they take a leave of absence from ministry, to get refreshed or whatever and the youth know about it, I think this is especially important for “high profile” staff like the YPs wife. I am currently on a leave with baby #3 and it really takes the pressure off. As the kids get older i find it harder and harder to be involved in youth ministry, mostly because it’s the same ministry as my husband and if i want to attend anything other than Sunday Youth service, I have to arrange child care. It’s been a lot easier to get involved in other ministry lately, because then he can watch the kids while I serve and visa versa.
I can so relate…. I’m moving to where my soon-to-be-husband is currently ministering, and a couple of weeks back was the first “meet the youth” (I’m supposed to be going away on summer camp). Response? Spent the entire evening approaching girls, who simply turned and walked away after a couple of minutes of polite chat… Ah well! I’m hoping the consistency comments above will prove true when I move there!!!
that is hilarious. i mean i’m not laughing at you but i’ve totally been in that same situation. my husband and i have been in youth ministry for almost 10 years and we have 3 young children. I can’t tell you how many times i’ve been talking to girls or whatever and found myself talking about diapers and baby poop and tantrums, and the students are just staring at me like “what, you are a dork” you are right when you say we just have to accept that this is our stage of life. it’s amazing to go from cool to dork in less than two seconds.haha
i completely agree with you, joye. consistency is so huge with teenagers. my husband and i have been married seven years this september and we have a 3 & 1/2 year old and a 1 & 1/2 year old. i “took some time off” after our first one was born and started feeling very removed and out of the loop as far as the youth went. i had plugged into an adult class but missed being involved with the teenagers. this year i jumped back in and am teaching 9th grade girls and i’m there pretty much every wednesday night. i have to leave powerhouse (our wedensday night service) early to get the kids home and into bed, so i don’t usually even get to hear my husband speak, but i’m there and i get to say hi and give hugs and “be seen” for lack of a better term. we utilize the grandparents for youth camp and senior trip and some day when they’re older i’ll get to go on mission trip too. for now i do as much as a i can.
i didn’t realize how much i was really missing it until i got back into it.
i think the important thing is to find what works for you and your kids’ schedule.
–whether thats taking a backseat for a few years or doing what you need to do to make it happen w/o neglecting the kiddos. for me, i’m a stay-at-home mom, so leaving my kids for a week here and there isn’t a big deal to me. i don’t feel like they’re missing out on mommy time. plus they love being around the “big kids”.
sorry so long.
Amanda,
I am right there with you. A few months ago I went through a period of being really down about my disconnect with the high school students. Currently I am on the other side of that battle. Last Sunday I very comfortably told 3 moms, “I’m sorry, I don’t know the answer. I have had to back off quite a bit since baby #4″ So, in answer to the question, “does anyone else flip-flop?”, I sure do.
I have to agree with the student ministry philosphy that volunteers must be consistent. I have many years before I can consistantly be at student ministry events.
My solution? I consider the handful of girls that babysit for us as my small group. It is easy for me to keep in touch with them, because they are in my house fairly often. I can send them a quick e-mail or speak to them at church. The other bonus is that I know that these are the girls who don’t mind having my kids around. When these girls have an event that the youth pastor “should be at” I go and take my kids with me. My 6 yr old has attened several graduation ceremonies. She thinks that her babysitters are the most famous people on earth.
Thanks so much for all you are doing here. My husband is taking the Seniors out of town next week. This will be the first time that I have not gone. Blah. Back to the question of flip-flopping
Oh, how I could relate. There are times I truly believe the youth feel sorry for my poor husband that he’s married to me, that’s how “uncool” they think I am…2 little toddlers at home, not a lot of time for clothing and makeup to be as perfect as a 16-year-olds…yeah, I’m an old frump in their eyes. And even though it doesn’t boost my self-confidence a lot, I’ve come to accept it. I actually have learned over the years that my role in the church is a lot more about other areas of ministry than about helping my husband with the youth. Other women in our church tend to think I am somehow given more wisdom in life issues, simply because my husband is a youth pastor, so I find myself using my gifts in women’s ministries and other areas of ministry. My husband and I both feel this works for us in our marriage and our ministry. As long as we carve out enough time to still spend together, it actually rounds us out nicely, and blesses the church more too!
I SO understand this…just this weekend, my husband is gone and I am home with three kiddos. I thought about going on the trip with him, and leaving our kids with grandparents, but it exhausts me even to think about it because there’s no telling how much a connection I would make with students anyway! But I want to connect so badly sometimes, that I get caught in the trap of recollecting our time before kids when we could serve together whenever we wanted side-by-side.
As much as I love students, I have to remember that my “small group” at home is where my focus needs to be…for the good of our family and my precious time with the Lord. This is how I support him at this stage with two preschoolers and a baby!
My family is my main ministry–and that’s about all the energy I can muster most days, but I know that these times will pass quickly, and before we know it, our kids will be in the youth group–even if the days are so long sometimes.
It’s so encouraging to know that we’re not alone in this situation and life calling!
Hi there – I have enjoyed this blog – but this if my first comment. I too am a youth pastor’s wife who finds that my main role in the youth ministry right now is more indirect -in that I am taking care of the youth minister, his family, and home. We have a 4 year old daughter and a 5 month old son – and there are no childrens ministries for their age on youth group night.
I miss being there and I know he misses having me – I was a youth leader who knew what he wanted without him having to tell me. It makes some lonely evenings, weekends, or weeks – as we all know! As has been mentioned, at least there is that sacred day off, which is Mondays for us as well. I am going to be starting a PT job soon, and we determined that I would not work on Mondays – that is our sacred day.
As far as the relationships with girls – I had spoke with another y/p wife who says she has girls over who help give her kids baths and then hangs out. We agreed that not all girls would be up for that kind of thing. Recently I had chance to say hi to our group corporately and to explain why they haven’t seen me around as much. They seemed to understand but who knows. I reminded them that I am only a phone call or instant message away – that’s all I can really do at this point. We are thankful that we have a good youth volunteer staff and an intern this summer – so at least my hubbie has some help. On a bright side, I think my being separated from the nitty gritty of things allows for me to be an objective ear when he comes home and fills be in on the happenings. I can bring a fresh perspective b/c I am not in the trenches as much.
Amanda,
A woman’s touch in ministry can be absolutely vital at times. and i know that you know God is going to use you in the capacity that is able of you right now. Just keep letting yourself be seen by all the teens as the “youth pastors wife” regularly. Then as a lot of people have said already, be consistent. Does that girl seem rather un-connected? ok, decide to say a little hello to her every week and build from there.
As i have learned from a youth pastors wife i greatly admire, just chilling out, being obviously kind, and being open to conversation-then the people will come. Girls want someone who care about them & to talk to them. If they think you care, they will come out of their shell.
and i’m sure you are super cool!!
Amanda,
I just found this website while looking for some resources for my fiance, who is a youth pastor. You know, I can remember being the middle school student who felt awkward when the “adult” came and sat with my friends and I. Nothing personal I guess; funny that we take it that way now =) I think it is great that your priority is your family. Like someone said above, your ministry is your husband and children. Too many times families fall apart all for the sake of “ministry.” I am a “newbie” to this youth pastor’s wife thing, so any advice will be greatly appreciated. We get married in December, and he starts his job this week actually. Prayers are coveted =)
Bethany
Yup, my first mission trip with my husband 7 years ago, I drove one of the 3 vans to Chicago, we brought 25 teens and my 3 boys ages 4,3 and 1, yes I was crazy, and they all drove in MY van! 19 hours later I was a big crying mess! I decided if I couldn’t bring them I would have to stay home from the trips until they get old enought so they could stay with someone. UNTIL I got pregnant again and now have another 2 year old!!! I decided to bring them to NYC with us this year, My other kids are older and it’s closer(we live in Jersey) so it’s time to try.
I only do what I can tho, and am always the one to stay home. I keep in touch with a lot of them on myspace or facebook too. We have a nursery in our church during youth group so thank God for nursery workers without them i wouldn’t be able to help my husband with the wed. nite youth group or sunday morning girls Bible study. You are doing the best thing worrying about your kids first, the girls and problems and everything will always be there. I think it’s so cool that you go at the end of his service to just be “seen” I think those things are more of an encouragement to people than you think because it’s really hard to get the kids out by yourself , especially when your’re pregnant!!!!
Oh and it’s very easy to think, especially when you’ve been in ministry for a long time, when you get involved you have to get involved with their problems, but God really does eventually use whatever you have to give Him.
14 years in ministry w/ my YP hubby. 3 boys, ages 10, 8, and 5. I, too, felt very strongly that I needed to minister to my babies and be focused on them, since Daddy couldn’t much of the time. Over time, I found other places where I could connect with other mommies who knew what it was like to be up all night with a little one with an ear-infection. Those high schoolers just couldn’t relate.
Now, 10 years later, I still don’t have much involvement with the high schoolers. The boys and I attend as many events that we can, that are reasonable for my kids(mostly service days and missions trips). In the past I took a nanny to stay with my kids while I counseled a cabin of girls at summer camp-that was fantastic!! I show up each week to SS and try to check in with the women leaders to see how they are, otherwise I’m just a ‘presence’ there, not involved with the big kids at all. I smile, say hello to as many I can, but that’s about it. I also try to attend the adult leader meetings as best I can to keep a pulse point on what’s happening in my husband’s world. As my own kids get older, life is still crazy busy just managing them. Maybe it won’t be until they are grown and gone until I step back in, but for now, hubby and I agree that me only having my big toe in youth ministry is the best place for me. There are times I miss it- I’ve been flip-flopping for ten years now!! 
So there with you!!!! We’ve been in ministry for 10 years and now have 3 beautiful daughters. With the first, I still went to everything, the second came along and I had to slow down a little, but still went to most everything, and now the 3rd is here and wow have I had to change some things. It’s so hard to let go of some thing in order to be the mom and wife I need to be. God put it on my heart though, that I am now a mom and that is my ministry. And what an important one it is. Youth ministry will always be there, but my kids will not always be this age that I can pour into their lives. Besides that, it is a great example to those youth to see what a dedicated mom looks like. I really had to pray long and hard, but I’m now with peace that my ministry is my home! And my hubby can do it without me at every single event and trip. In fact, it provides a spot for some other youth worker to get to enjoy and be blessed in that ministry. Blessings to you! It’s awesome to be able to share with others who totally understand!!
I have been there and am now facing a new bump in the road…but when my youngest was born I had to step out completely which i didn’t like because I wanted to be apart of the ministry. But what did happen was there were a few girls that I ended up bringing into my life of kids, dirty diapers, and laundry and they would just come over and keep me company. We would talk about all sorts of things and by the end of a year God did amazing things. It was not what I thought I wanted but God still used me to impact the life of a few students.
I am a fellow youth pastors wife and I can relate. I have two little ones and I try to have me hand in Student Ministry too. I run the cafe for the moment. Its hard because you want to be involved in the students lives but your kiddos come first. I went with my husband to the gathering two years ago and had a great conversation with Doug fields wife, Kathy. ( My husband in a PDYM state Mentor for Tx.) Anyway, she said that she too went though this season of ministry. She stepped away from ministry to raise the kids. She did things now and again but her focus was them. I think thats great advice. Hang in there, it will get easier.
My husband actually forwarded me this post from his office, knowing that this is so close to home, that it was as if I had typed it myself. We’ve been married almost 7 years we have a 4 year old boy and my husband has been a youth pastor for almost 4 years. Early on in ministry I was right there with him at every function, SS class, and Wednesday night youth group. I headed up small group discussions etc.. all that to say, I tried having our son there for the functions and youth group, but as he got older he became more of a distraction, so I had to step back from that roll, and wondered what am I going to do now? It almost made me feel like I had aged 10 years, AARRGGHH! No longer was I in touch with that youthful side. I was becoming what the teens were calling “THEIR PARENTS” !!! I soon figured that my new role was to show the kids what a healthy family looks like. Which meant, make myself visible as a helper to my husband and have the kids see how my husband treats his wife and child. Most of the kids in our group don’t have great Christ-like examples of what a “family” looks like. I can still be in touch with my coolness and still be a mom and they know they are welcome over anytime they want to talk ( except at naptime ) J/K
So anyway, thank you for your post. I love knowing I’m not the only Youth pastor’s wife out there that feels this way. God Bless You!
I am so excited to know about this website. How fun! Here is a fun way to start discussion and get to know the girls. I started a nail ministry. In fact, we are going to summer camp on Friday with our new youth group and I am bringing all my nail polish and doing tons of nails. Glitter, stickers, colors, you name it and I bring it. They love to have me so there nails and they all sit around and we talk and it breaks all the ice. The other girls are sitting around watching and waiting for their turn. It is awesome fun and I can’t wait to get to know all our new students. I will be back to visit this site often. Thank you!!
At first I thought this post was going to be about what an incredible impact you had on the youth and I was bracing myself to feel guilty – then I kept reading and just had to smile out of empathy and understanding. I have been married for almost 12 years, 11 of which he has been a YP. I have had ups and downs in terms of relationships with the youth in the 3 churches we have been in…at times just feeling invisible. My hubbie is so outgoing and popular among the youth that at times we would pass them on the church campus only for them to say HI to him as if I were not even there. It stings. My philosophy has been to attend one function per week. I used to help out on Wednesday nights (and found myself more ministering to the other adult volunteers)and on Sundays I taught a co-ed adult SS class which I just LOVED. I had my “own” ministry that I led and felt so fulfilled. We moved 2 years ago and now have a 9 month old son. Now I am a 7th grade girls LifeGroup leader and on Wednesday nights instead of attending the youth event, I take a discipleship class where I can interact with other adults and have time for “me”. Thankfully we have nursery at both times. I have found that being a LifeGroup leader allows me to bond with that specific group of girls. So now when I go to bigger events I definitely have a group of girls to talk to. (some can be so intimidating!) I can no longer go on the summer trips b/c of our baby but I am somewhat thankful for that since I have found when I am on the trips my husband can get distracted by me and not be free to be his usual crazy self. I just love that you have this blog. I think people assume since we married a youth minster we automatically were given the same passion and ministry gifts as our hubbies. I do partner with him but I also have my own identity and calling and when I am acting on that is when I feel the most fulfilled and obedient. May God bless the YP wives!
Its weird, but its also just probability. I know that Doug Fields stands by having an adult to love on a small group of students, but that can be hard when that group of students may not like you back. I talked about that once with my husband and he said that was just part of his job. He has sort of figured out the values of each student in youth group and plays off of that to reach them. That is way to much work for me, but when he tells me how they tick (oh they are quiet until you joke with them or oh they will treat you badly until you ask them their opinion) I try it and if that doesn’t fly with me I just work with the people who will work with me. I use to feel bad if I wasn’t a full time volunteer (like when work would get to busy for me to make all of the events), but most of the students don’t give me to much trash about not always being there at the events because I work with their parents and they understand its a busy season. I hope that you feel better after you find a group that appreciate you taking interest in them as an adult who could offer advice or a listening ear and just really care about their existence.
This has been such an encouragement to me. My husband has been a youth pastor for four years and I have always been very very involved. I never missed anything. Our son is 18 months old now so my time in youth ministry is starting to dwindle. Over the last year I have really had this struggle over wanting to be really involved but still wanting to put our family first. I have come to realize that I am just not going to be able to be at everything, but I still want to do somethings. I hope to be able to be a mom first and foremost, but still be able to be somewhat involved. Knowing that other people are going through or have been through this is such an encouragement. Thank You.
Amanda, I pray you will become comfortable with some of the girls, even just one. Keep plugging away by being a good mommy and especially a good wife. I don’t have much experience in this new position (1 year as YP wife, 5 1/2 as wife-bit more experience) but I am truly thankful that there is this blog, I don’t feel so out of it anymore. Thanks!
Amanda- One of our senior pastor’s sent me the link to this YouTube video. You definitely should post it for everyone to check out. It’s hilarious! It’s called “Before He Speaks” & it’s a “music video” made by 3 pastor’s wives.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iY4khRpG8O8
Hey ladies, you have to check this video out on youtube. My husband gets to preach sometimes, so I can totally relate to this funny song!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iY4khRpG8O8
Sorry Anne, I didn’t see what you had posted…it’s so funny!!! A must see for pastor’s wives!
looking for a network for our 15 yr old daughter – the youth pastor’s daughter – she has the pastor’s wife syndrome. hard times! Help?
Hey, Flo. I’d like to see what part of the Bible your pastor was pulling from to formulate the thesis that your “job” is to make sure that you’re doing everything you can to help your husband. Yeah, it’s good and godly to be supportive and encouraging… but as a full-time position? It’s no wonder that so many families in ministry get burnt. Those that you influence the most in life will be your OWN kids, so kudos for putting them first!
I don’t know I find this thread kind of frustrating, perhaps because we do not yet have children. I just think it’s somewhat unfair to assume that as soon as children come along, the wife must stay at home and fulfill her wifely and motherly duty without help from the father. I have a job at a non-profit organization that is very fulfilling to me and my husband and I have talked about the fact that when children come along, I do not have any intention of quitting my job. Especially with the daytime flexibility youth pastors have, I think we’re letting them off the hook a little too easily and putting way to much pressure on youth pastor’s wives to say that your only ministry is your home. Shouldn’t the husband’s primary ministry be at home as well, regardless of whether or not he works at the church? If the Lord is calling someone wife or husband, to be in a specific ministry, they should not be made to feel guilty if that means getting a babysitter a few nights a week. Just thought I’d put my word in.
Hey Bethany!! I just wanted to say that I’m a youth pastor’s fiance as well
So I’m a newbie… and looking for all the advice I can get too 
This site is great…and so are the podcasts!! Have you checked those out yet?
Hope all is going well with wedding plans… AHHH!! It can be overwhelming :/