What’s “normal” anyways?…
By Amanda on Oct 29, 2008 in Featured
Nichole said something in response to a past post that I think quite often,
“We (youth pastors wives) feel guilty about wanting time with our husbands because somehow it is unspiritual or not right if time with him takes away time from church. Ugh. We sacrifice A LOT of time. I am envious of other wives who have husbands with “normal” jobs.”
I’m sure that if my husband had a “normal” job I would want this job back, but I do play the what-if game in my head sometimes.
Anyone relate.
That Nichole, she’s so smart. 
I have these thoughts too sometimes. But then I am reminded of friends whose husbands jobs lead them to work so much more, or are more unstable, or a really negative environment and then I am able to be thankful for what we have and where God has us. That always helps me whenever I start to get envious of someone else’s situation or get dissatisfied with what I have, to remember all the great things that I do have and it helps me be thankful. I also have to remember that ultimately everything I do have is from God’s hand, and I have to trust that he gives me everything I need but nothing more than I can handle with his grace.
On the flip side, I don’t think as wives we should ever feel guilty for wanting more time with our men, God designed us to be one and it hurts when we are apart. One thing I have learned unfortunately the hard way is that nagging, or even gently reminding my husband when his priorities get mixed up with church and family, is that it totally doesn’t work. And if anything it makes him discouraged that I don’t appreciate everything he does. This is still a work in progress for me but just committed praying for him has made all the difference. This “shut up and pray” method I learned from the book by Stormie Omartian, Power of the Praying Wife. A few months ago I started a prayer and study group based on this book with 5 other wives and it has been HUGE for me. I would highly recommend it to all the other YPW’s out there.
Ashley Christian | Oct 29, 2008 | Reply
It’s awesome that you mentioned that post by Nichole… Since reading it, it has encouraged me…
I think that is really why I started reading this blog (and commenting) It is difficult to talk to other women about this struggle of feeling “unspiritual” when you need more family time from your husband which pulls him away from 24/7 ministry…
As other people have posted… I know the “right” answers but sometimes it is so encouraging just to know you are not alone and other people deal with similar struggles…
Amanda (but not the official one) | Oct 29, 2008 | Reply
It is unfair, because we feel like we shouldn’t complain because it isn’t like they are on the golf course or hanging at a bar. We feel guilty because we know there are others who have it worse than us. We feel like how can we complain when they are serving God. When I would complain earlier in our marriage, my husband would say, you knew I was going to do this when we got married. I always felt like that was really unfair because how in the world did I know what I was getting myself in for….
Dianna Wissinger | Oct 29, 2008 | Reply
I can relate. In the early years of my marriage to a youth pastor who was still trying to “prove” himself, and thus gave in to so many requests and demands from kids, etc., I became so hurt and frustrated. I too felt I had no leg to stand on so to speak as if wanting my husband to choose me over youth ministry was wrong. I took the route of questioning and almost belittling aspects of his ministry and straight out told him that his need to be seen as cool, popular, needed, etc. is what really drove his involvement in ministry. I guess it was my way of trying to exercise some control over him and make him feel bad about/second guess his choices. Whew! Big, fat manipulation on my part and a big, fat mistake! My husband definately needed to set some healthier boundaries and has since, but you know what? Fickled me will worry now, hoping he is investing enough in his ministry. We women are hard to please! I started working in the church myself a few years ago, so have a different perspective. I still complain some if he plans too many trips close together, etc., but pretty much stay out of things. I think it bothers him that I’m not supportive and involved, but I haven’t found my way back “in” yet after being so ugly about things in the past.
Kelli | Oct 29, 2008 | Reply
Yup, now I play “remember when” my husband was a landscaper before youth pastor, he was off most of the winter, but… when he worked he worked six days a week till dark (sometimes
and when he didn’t there was no money. Now it is harder tho, because it’s more than not having him around it’s way more emotional, we are “involved” in their job, kinda like ours too but we don’t get paid… thats whats hard for me… it’s always hard to have a good attitude…
michelle | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
I too have often felt guilty for wanting my husbands’ time, or like I am taking him away from the church or doing God’s work when I need him. But I have to remind myself in those times that God also called him to be my husband and the father to our children and that’s just as much of a calling as his work in youth ministry!
I had to agree too that if he had a “normal” job I’d probably be longing for this one again. And then I have to remind myself all the things we get that other couples don’t–we live right next to the church, so we are never far apart, and we usually have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together as a family, which in today’s times is something very rare, for which I am thankful. Plus, it’s awfully rewarding to see my husband so fired up about his job, and excited to go to work. If he had a “normal” job with better hours and more pay, but had to drag himself to work each day, I think we’d all be a lot more miserable!
Now if I could only remember these things when I need to…
Monica | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
My amazing husband does double duty. His “day job” is that of a full-time plumber and he works part-time as the Youth Pastor at our church, as that position is not salaried. Having him away from home so much is sometimes stressful, but I know that God has called him to be where he is. I don’t feel the chaos that I should be feeling. I don’t feel the ‘disconnection’ that so many families deal with when work separates families. I’m so blessed to have a husband who hears and follows the Lord, and also makes his family a priority. So, as for your question… I guess I can relate, but thankfully, the Lord is intervening and I’m blessed to not have to think about it so often…
Lorrie Martin | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
My hubbie too has been doing double duty this past year, working full-time as a director of an afterschool care program, and it has reminded me how nice it was when he was just doing ministry. With his full-time job, he doesn’t get off until 6pm. It never used to be a problem if I had something going on, because as a youth pastor, he set his own hours and could pick up our son, or just bring our son with him to church. Now, there are times when he just cannot get out of set scheduled things.
Also, as a youth pastor, he MADE the schedule of events, so he at least had control over how cclose the events were together. Now, he has to help run events, carnivals, camps, etc., and he does not choose when they are, but is required to be there. I miss the flexibility a lot… but I will tell you one thing that I have realized.
My hubby is going to be leaving his part-time youth director position, as he has decided that two truly full-time jobs (there is no such thing as part-time pastor hours, just part-time pay) is too much. As I contemplate what it is going to be like to choose our own church, go to whatever service we want, and not always have to be the first one there and the last one to leave, I am starting to see the benefit of working that structured schedule.
Niki | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
I’ve definitely felt that! Actually, I’m pretty sure I’ve used that exact sentence more than once.
Just found your blog, I’m really glad I did. Thanks.
Emily Simmons | Oct 30, 2008 | Reply
I barely see him…. he is a full time YP and now he’s starting to coach basketball (which we need the extra money… but man oh man)… I also work 2 part time jobs… and sometimes I don’t get home til 9 at night… and we see each other … NEVER… and when we do…. he’s usually playing some online game with the guys.. and me… atleast I get to sit next to him for about 30 minutes.. until I fall asleep because I’m so exhausted… and then at 2 in the morning when he’s done… I’ll get a slight kiss good night… he slepps in till noon… and i go to work at 8:30… then Saturdays…. forget it… I have competitions with my team… and he has a leadership meeting in the morning, then practice and then church service… Sunday we have church all morning, and then he’s so tired he goes and takes a nap…. while… me… I usually find something to keep myself occupied, hang with the teens.. read a book.. and then we go to softball…. it never ever ends…we never see each other… it’s not healthy… but I have no idea how to get out of it…. I don’t know if you feel like you are doing life by yourself… but I feel like that often…. any ideas ladies??
Chantel | Nov 1, 2008 | Reply
Normal job? My husband and I have been married for about 10 years now. When we first got married he was doing youth ministry full time, if you could really consider it that, for $175 a week.
After being married for about six months he decides that since the church really couldn’t afford to pay him a full time salary that he would get another job. He got another job working only two days week, straight, so that he would have the rest of the week to do youth ministry. After about a year of that, we found out that we were pregnant. I didn’t want him working far away (he was about two hours away) so we decided that he would quiet working there and would get another job.
Next he decided that he would go back to school to complete his ministry degree and began doing electrical work for the college. He completed his degree within a year and continued to work at the college.
Next he went into a Master’s Degree program for teaching and began to teach. This was great because we were both teaching and pretty much had the same schedules. Most people would find this to be an ideal situation, but I never felt that it was what God wanted for us.
While he was teaching, he continued to do youth ministry on a volunteer basis and electrical work. So, basically he had three jobs at once. This lasted for about three years and during that time, we had a second child and built a house.
We moved in our house in August 2004 and in May 2007, we we finally received our call into full time ministry. We knew that it was coming at some point, but weren’t expecting it then. We both had ideal jobs. We were both teachers and had our summer’s off. This would be considered “normal” right?
Anyway, Memorial Day 2007, we felt a strong call to Fayetteville, NC. We moved at the end of July 2007 and started our ministry on August 1, 2007.
From that day to today, we feel that we are absolutely in the correct place, that we are where God has called us to be, and that we are doing His will.
Even though there are weeks that go by that I do feel like I hardly see my husband, I know that we are doing what God has called us to do and I never felt that way, throughout all the different so called “normal jobs”.
I believe that it is very important that we serve in our ministry as a family. I have continued to work full time, our oldest child is in the 2nd grade, and our youngest will begin Kindergarten next school year. Thankfully our church allows my husband’s schedule to be flexible so that he can help out a lot with our youngest during the day. My days end by about 3:00, so I still have plenty of time to devote to my family and our ministry.
Even though I do get frustrated at times, with not getting to spend much time with my husband, I am very thankful for the people at our church. They understand the importance of our relationship, so for pastor appreciation they presented us with a night at a bed and breakfast with child care included. I fell so blessed to be apart of a church with such wonderful people.
Andrea | Nov 1, 2008 | Reply
Many times I have wished that my husband had a “normal” job.
This week I got to see both sides of the ym coin. My husband had a very full week. He was out 4 nights. On weeks like that I tend to struggle. I am very proud of him and his ministry, but let’s be honest, it is hard to put four kids to bed.
I was struggling through the week, when I got to reap the benefits of my husband’s flexible schedule. My 5 year old cut her hand and needed stiches. When I called my husband to let him know what was going on, he dropped everything and came to the doctor’s office. I know that it was not a good week for him to loose that time in the office. I was so greatful that he chose to be with us.
Plenty of times I have cared for a sick child while my husband is on a youth trip. I can promise you that on those days I am wishing for that “normal” job. This week I was relieved that he has such strange hours.
Ann | Nov 2, 2008 | Reply
Chantel, Holy cow!
I normally wouldn’t be so blunt, but I am so tired after reading your post! …YOU MUST SAY NO.
You both have too much going on, say no to the video games, say no to softball, just say NO! No one can keep up the pace you are functioning at. That is crazy. Working to pay the bills is one thing, so I know you can’t say no to whatever brings in the bacon, but everything else may have to be let go for a while.
Amanda Maguire | Nov 3, 2008 | Reply
Chantel,
I wanted to think about your question. The shortest answer is that Amanda is totally right. I would cut as much as possible. From there, I would encourage both of you to remember that it is easier to add things than it is to cut things. Add activities back slowly and after a ton of thought.
Having said that, it is hard to comment on someone else’s life. Especially when all the information that you have fits in a four inch box. So, it is with an absurd amount of boldness, that I offer you my humble suggestion. (you did ask)
On Sunday afternoons don’t leave the house. If your husband is tired and takes a nap, why not read a book/listen to your ipod/nap right beside him. He might talk to you more than you think he will. If he doesn’t, it sounds like you could enjoy a nap yourself.
The hardest times in our marriages come when we are waiting for the other person to fix the problem. Bitterness rarely needs to be cultivated. It usually seeps into our lives completely uninvited. Based on your comments, you could easily justify hoping that he would develop some new habits. And he could do the same. I would encourage you to work hard to protect your marriage. I will pray that you and your husband will be able to discuss all of this.
Ann | Nov 4, 2008 | Reply
Wow! These have all been great comments. Chantel, Ann and Amanda know what they’re talking about…cut back then gradually add. It is amazing how much rest can help change your perspective.
Ok, so how about this, ladies? My husband has crazy hours, of course and we just moved so we’re back in the ‘proving himself” department again so there are even more hours being taken up. We live five min from the church but because of hospital visits, he has to take our only vehicle to church. SO, I’m not only without my wonderful husband for hours on end, I am also stuck in my house! But here’s the clencher: We’ve been here for three stinkin’ weeks and I still have boxes to unpack! You’d think being stuck in your house with your 2 and half year old would encourage you to get your house looking like a home, but not me. Why can’t I seem to get anything done??? I need motivation, but have none. I have 24 hour morning sickness, too (yeah, shh…if you actually know me don’t congratulate me on my blog or facebook page because I haven’t even been to a doctor yet and don’t want all of our friends to know until I actually have due date…you guys are special)! And, yes, if you’ve read my prior comments about finding ways to have romance…ahem, it obviously worked since baby #2 is on the way!;-) I also wish I lived near my mom, but I don’t. So, help me out here ladies? Where do I find my inner motivation when there is no one to motivate me—I’m suffering from lack of people, I think. I don’t want my exhausted hubby coming home to an unfinished home. I want it to be a place of relaxation.I don’t want to use excuses, either! I can’t even convince myself that they’re valid anymore. Help, help, help!
Jessica Sheets | Nov 4, 2008 | Reply
Oh, Jessica give yourself some grace! Three weeks is nothing, not with a toddler and a pregnancy. Remember that first trimester, no amount of sleep is enough! You need a good friend. I will pray that God will provide you with a girl friend ASAP! Hang in there. Take a nap when your little one does.
Dianna Wissinger | Nov 4, 2008 | Reply
I stumbled upon this blog and I first have to say that I am so encouraged by it and all of you! I for once feel like I am not alone in this world of Youth Pastors Wives! Our first year of marriage (four years ago) was also my husbands first year of being full time YP, and therefore it was a huge stretch for us to find a balance. While we have come along way, we are both working full time jobs, and also currently both in school working on our Masters, so of the three evenings a week that we are at home, we have to spend it writing papers or other school work. However - what I can say - is make the most of any situation. Our ‘romantic dates’ may be sitting at the kitchen table, using the laptops, writing our papers TOGETHER
or even booking at least two weeks in advance a ‘date night’ which could just mean watching TV together. I have also tried to become an XBOXer myself, as I that is something that he likes to do, I can at least play with him (even though I am terrible!)
When I get frusterated with church politics or how busy my life is as a YPW, my husband reminds me of the ’spiritual benefits’ - meaning the ways that God can bless the time that you do get - something I continuealy pray for. Chantell, I know exactly how you are feeling - be encouraged! Sometimes I laugh when I feel that our main form of communication is through facebook or e-mails. However, try to smile over the small stuff, send a text to say that you are thinking of each other, even though you are apart. Plan to meet for coffee inbetween your job schedules. Leave notes on his desk or when he gets home. Little things seem to really help me feel connected even when our schedules do not allow us to be together.
Krista | Nov 5, 2008 | Reply
Sorry - I missed adding something for Jessica…
While I do not have children, nor am I pregnant, I understand the feelings of ‘lack of motivation’ - only thing to do is take in one step at a time - to unpack a whole house at once can seem whelming! So - perhaps plan for the next two days to do just the living room. That’s all. Then move on to another room - one room at a time. That way you can show your husband your accomplished room each day! And perhaps can even get your 2 year old to ‘help’
I have also found that I feel more energetic and motivated if I get out and about. Get the stroller out and walk around the block to start the day off right. Thoughts??
Krista | Nov 5, 2008 | Reply
Thanks, Dianna and Krista! I think I needed permission to be where I am. I went outside with my two year old yesterday, knowing we both needed it. I do need a friend. That’s a whole other deal of stress though. Pray that maybe they don’t go to my church, will you? I think that would help the most!
This verse just popped into my head. I need it and maybe someone else does, too.
Isaiah 40:31 (I think I learned this KJV when I was a kid so excuse an occasional NIV insert)
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.”
Jessica Sheets | Nov 5, 2008 | Reply
Jessica that is a wonderful verse! We could all use that one! I will pray for you to have both, a friend inside the church and one from without. I know I rely on both kinds myself. There are those times each type of friend fills a vital role. Hang in there.
Dianna Wissinger | Nov 5, 2008 | Reply
It is good to hear your girls stories! Good to know i am not alone in this. We can totally relate- my husband works hard in youth ministry and I work part time as a piano teacher. We have a 1 year old and we just found out we are pregnant again so i completely understand the lack of motivation- I am always tired! I try so hard to still be involved with the girls in the youth group (I still lead a small group)- I have poured my heart out to them in the last few years and it’s so hard for me to back away just cause we have kids and I have to work because its too expensive to live here- but it’s exhausting and not always possible to do the youth stuff. The worst is when my husband leaves on a trip- I hate being left behind! Pray for my heart in this I want my husband to be encouraged as he goes on a trip instead of me being sad/ angry/ complaining that he is gone. That’s not so encouraging. How do you girls deal with your husbands going on youth trips? how do you get to a point of not feeling left out but be a supportive role at home? I love having our son and am so excited for our next one- i just have a hard time sacrificing the youth stuff.
angelina | Nov 5, 2008 | Reply
I’m not the expert on this yet, Angelina, but it really helped me last year to go visit my family while my husband was gone at camp. I knew I couldn’t go to camp with my toddler, but I also knew I’d go nuts being home alone. My mom actually came and picked me up (in WI, they live in IN) and then my husband came back and got us since we only had one vehicle. I needed my family more than I knew. Now, this can’t happen all the time, but maybe you can get a friend or fam member to come visit you while your hubby is away. Or plan some great projects that you would only do without him (like getting every possible chick flick from the library that you’ve missed since having a baby, or scrapbooking and leaving the stuff out all week or baking a bunch of stuff to freeze knowing you don’t have to stop to make a real meal for you and your child). I’m learning this from others who have gone before me. Hang in there. I understand the ‘left out’ feeling, though the tiredness usually reminds me that it is good that I’m not as involved.
Our kids are only little now–someday they’ll be on those trips, too and we just might miss the time we had to stay home to take care of them. I’m convinced that when I get to the age where I’m missing being needed that I’m going to reach out to a younger mom and help her out, whether it’s making her a meal or offering free babysitting to give her a break. If that’s what I’m supposed to learn from all of this, then I’m getting it loud and clear.
Jessica Sheets | Nov 7, 2008 | Reply
Thanks Jessica! This really helps since this weekend my husband is gone on a youth missions trip in LA. My sister will come over tomorrow so it definetly makes it more fun and I have recorded a bunch of girly shows that my husband refuses to watch so I guess I am on the right track already! I think it does get easier with time in accepting the new role. I do love my son so much- he is adorable and I am happy I get to spend some great time with him this weekend. It just helps to know that someone else knows what it’s like!
Angelina | Nov 7, 2008 | Reply
I also just stumbled upon this site, and I am so happy that other women can sympathize with the joys (and sometimes pains) of being the wife of a YP. My husband just began at a new church, which causes him to work really long hours. It is definitely difficult, especially because we left our best friends at our old church. I don’t really like the new church or their style of worship…has this ever happened to any of you all? I am having a lot of trouble motivating myself to get involved or connected. I know I need to though. I know this is a little off topic, but it is definitely something that comes along with the territory that would never happen in a non-church setting!
Laura | Nov 9, 2008 | Reply
I can relate. If I got to “choose” where I attend church, I would not choose our current church. Nothing “bad”, just not everything I would hope for. We have been at our church several years; people are nice, but we have yet to form any real friendships. I don’t know if it’s “us” or “them.” We are starving for a sense of community and friendship.
Kelli | Nov 11, 2008 | Reply
I have been blessed to have my huband pastoring at the church that both of us grew up in. I am now realising just how much of a blessing this is, with long time friends and a ‘church style’ that I accustomed to. I have thought though recently, what would happen if we did feel called to leave??! This actually makes me panic (even though it has yet to happen) because this is the only church I have ever known.
A church is a life-style. That’s what I have found. Friends, small groups, support, prayer, fellowship - its all apart of the lifestyle. I guess really, that you will get out as much as you put in. Keep connected to your old friends from your church before, but do not be hesitant to establish a lifestyle here at the new church. Obviously - I have no experience and I don’t think that i could possibly take my own words as advice if I ever got ‘uprooted’ but - I do know that something about having a connection - and what a joy that is!
Krista | Nov 21, 2008 | Reply
Kelli- I can relate to your comments about not picking the church if it was your “choice.” Another observation, I think that has been one of the more interesting discoveries of this YPW life is how “without a pastor” I often feel. Of course, your husband shepherds the home to a point but inside the church it is difficult to ever view your husband’s “boss” as your “pastor.” Is that just my experience?
Amanda (but not the official one) | Dec 5, 2008 | Reply