How do you handle tough times when it feels like everyone is watching? From marriage to kids…it can be a hard place to be, when all eyes are on you.
Mindy had a great post…
Hi.
I was curious to know if there are other YM wives that have dealt with the death/illness of a child/infertility while in ministry? This is something that my husband and I have gone through. Due to these situations it has completely changed my involvement with the ministry as well as my whole outlook. These are such difficult situations to go through and yet twofold, going through them in the public eye and still being a good role model.
Mindy
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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We have gone through three miscarriages during our time in ministry. It certainly grew my level of compassion and care for others who were going through times of struggle…. but in the midst of our own crisis, it was so difficult to know how to manage all of the emotions. It felt like everybody knew…. people avoided because of lack of words to say…. so I found that I would just cling to my closest friends who would walk the road with us, pray for us, continue to encourage us to keep seeking God’s heart, and give us a shoulder to cry on.
This is a tough topic. I saw Mindy’s post yesterday and when I clicked on her name it took me to a blog that she has. Let me just say WOW!!! I read her story and was in tears. As I am for you too Deanna. You see I had one miscarriage at one month and lost two baby’s at five months. It is only by the grace of God I am alive today to talk about it after the last one. I can not have any children of my own. To top this all off 2 weeks after I lost my last son my husband was called to full time youth ministry he had honestly stopped looking to be in ministry and it was totally a God thing. Needless to say I was dyeing inside, but put on a happy face for the church. We shared with them about the loss of our kids and I was even asked to share a testimony with the whole church, which I did. April 1st makes the two year birthday of my last son. It is a tough time, but God is so awesome. You see God placed it on my heart to be a wounded healer, I never knew what he was going to do.
I have hurt all along, but slowly God has Healed me. At the YM conference I was talking to Amanda about not really relating to most of the stories on this site due to not having kids. I had really wanted to know if there was others like me. The amazing thing is that after the conference God began to do a work in me so mighty. As we drove 20 hours home God was telling me you are so much more then a YMW. I have great plans for you. I did not know what it was, but I cried and talked to my husband for about the first 4 hours. Over the last few weeks God has began to show me. That next weekend we took the kids to Battle Cry in Dallas, TX. As Kay Warren had talked about I began to realize my heart was broken and disturbed for these kids (by the way if you have not read her book I recommend it). Out of our group one went down to and alter call. It was a girl. By the way God was already working on me to work with girls and women I just did not know how. In the last few weeks the girls have been coming out of the wood work. We have went from 2 girls to 9 that are going to go out for girls night tonight. I learnt that there was a girls ministry that truly needed my attention. The second Sunday this month God called ME of all people to be a minister not (JUST A MINISTER’S WIFE). I am still doing everything with my husband to support him as before, but There is a difference I realized our youth group was our life and they were the kids that God gave me to love who really need extra love that I can give. For the first time I am truly okay with it all. There are still times it hurts especially this time of year, but I lean on God first, my husband and my close friends who understand. I feel so blessed that I unexpectedly came across this topic and can share. It is hard times to face when you are going through it and even sometimes years later, but wether you have other children or not God in his time WILL use that pain that you have suffered to bring him glory in ways you never could know in his time and when you give it to him. One thing Mindy said that I had not ever thought about is my children never had to know pain of this world. The first visions they saw were of God and heaven how could a parent want more for a child. So to any and all who have faced this I pray God gives you the peace that I have found. Well this comment has already gotten way too long so I’ll end it for now. God bless and I would love to pray for you all and encourage you. I’ll be watching for comments and praying for you Deanna and Mindy.
My husband and I have struggled with both infertility and loss of a child during our years of ministry. It took us 3 years to conceive our daughter (who is now 9 years) and she was born 10 weeks premature. Then I had a miscarriage at 4 months and honsetly that was probably the most devastating thing I have experienced. After that it took us about 6 1/2 years to conceive our son, who is now 10 months old and he was born about 8 weeks premature! It was very hard at times, especially watching friends and teen girls getting pregnant while I wasn’t but wanted to. It was easy at times to become bitter about it. And there were major issues that had to be worked through between the Lord and myself. But I can say that it has strengthened my relationship with Him and made me more dependent on HIm.
I realized through it all that while not everyone would know what to say or how to react to the situation or me, it gave me the opportunity to be able to relate and connect with those that experienced similar losses. And I did have a couple of close friends that were there to listen no matter how I felt. It has really opened up doors for me to minister that might not have opened otherwise. And since I have come to realize that God wants me to share this with others, it has allowed me to gain friends that I might not have gained because we don’t really have anything else in common. And believe me this is a tough one for me because I am a very private and reserved person.
But it took me many, many years to come to this point! And it hurt a lot until I finally grasped the peace that God was holding out to me all along. It still hurts but it is different. If you want to talk or just want me to pray about anything specific, please feel free to contact me.
I just wanted to encourage you, Mindy, to let yourself feel how you are feeling regardless of what that might seem to people in your church. While it is inspiring for some to see their youth pastor’s wife strong in a time of trial, it is also helpful to others to realize that grief is real to everyone, even those of us who are “up on that pedestal”. Last year when we lost our baby at 4 months, so many people shared with me their similar story and it felt so good to not be alone, and to just bare my soul to these people and know that they understood. Throughout this past year I’ve really come to learn that people want to see who you really are, regardless of who that is, not the “you” you are trying to show them. That’s when real life happens, and real ministry happens, so dont’ worry too much and just be yourself.
I never know so many people went through this. Monica is so right don’t hide who you are or what you feel. Just be real people will respect you more and even open up more to you.
Life in what seems like a fishbowl can be tough. I know from almost 20 years in the ministry now. I also know that God has blessed us throughout all those times in ways I could have never even imagined.
Seven years ago our third son was diagnosed with autism. Though there were many people who cried and prayed with us there were some (very few actually) that looked through eyes of judgement. It was very hard to keep postive some days as I dealt with all the emotion and everything that comes along with a diagnosis like that.
I found that the more honest I was about my feelings the more people came along side to support me and my family. Many times we keep what we are suffering with to ourselves because we don’t think others will understand or we will be judged as unspiritual if we seem weak in any way.
But Jesus says that HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness. So I gave all those negative emotions and guilt and insensitive comments from other people to God. We prayed about what was best for our family and did it. I think the best example you can be in any sistuation is faithful to what GOD wants you do.
Today I have a bright, cheerful 10 year old doing his best to live with the chaallenges of autism. He is a witness to God’s love and faithfulness without even knowing it. We have been able to reach out to other families because we have been through. We also have started a ministry for special needs children of all kinds at our church. Our struggle has let us reach out into the community to share God’s love to other who are hurting.
It wasn’t always easy for me to open up about such personal hurts but real life happens to everyone, even people in ministry. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing with the whole church talk to a trusted friend or maybe another pastors wife.
Be encouraged! God cares about all your going through you. Even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Matthew 10:30.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughts and encouraging words! We are in such a supportive church (that hasn’t always been the case) and I need to be “real” with people. After we lost Callie I withdrew from people–I wasn’t fake–I just wasn’t around. Now as more time has passed I have been able to share more openly with people. My husband preached a message surrounding our loss which helped more people to understand. Thank you all for your kind words. My prayers are with all of you who shared your stories too. Kay Warren has a quote from Oswald Chambers “My Utmost for His Highest” in her book “Dangerous Surrender” “If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart.”
Blessings to all of you!
We lost our son this past year (I was 36 wks. along in my pregnancy)… very sudden, very shocking.
After giving birth to him on a Saturday (& going home with empty arms Sunday), I attended a Wednesday evening dinner at our church that week. Everyone was stunned to see me there and came over just hugging us, not really knowing what to say. The Lord (among other ways) comforted me with the outpouring of love and care from our church family. Our nearest family members were four hours away and my folks were eight hours away. While they did come down, in the moments of going through labor and the immediate shock of the news, our church friends came to us, to support us. They didn’t know what to do or say, but they were there. So, that Wed, the truth was that I wanted to go to the dinner – I needed everyone’s love during the hard time. I felt I could be real with people. Stories came out that I had no idea about (at the time of our loss, hubby had only been on staff there about 14 mos.)
In fact, what I struggled with was how amazingly “fast” the Lord led us through the shock/anger/confusion of the loss to peace. I was almost feeling guilty that I wasn’t in bed, too depressed to attend church. Weird as this sounds, I felt bad that I could tell people that I was ok… that most days I was learning how to carry on with this new “normal.” But, our senior pastor encouraged us to share the truth – how the Lord’s goodness was carrying us through. So, I continued to share about God’s amazing peace, but was also sure to be real in my lower moments of grief (even as they hit today).
As a side note, we miscarried a baby at 11 wks when serving in a different church. We didn’t tell many people at that church what was going on except for the senior pastor and he “comforted us” by telling us, “It happens. My wife had to have a d&c at one time as well when she miscarried.” HELLO?!
I think that, unfortunately, it depends on the church situation. When church members have unrealistic expectations for their pw’s, anything we say or do will set us up to fail.
A pw going through a struggle or loss needs to be true to God alone. We do have a larger responsibility since we are a bit more in the “public eye” than other ladies in the church, but I believe that when we’re humbled to God and carefully real in front of others, He can shine and use us to show Himself to others through our hurts and our joys. After all, we are not superhero Christians, just women who happened to be called to supporting our husband in ministry.
My husband and I –we are infertile– were just placed with two little girls ages 3 1/2 years and 18 months old. They are our foster to adopt daughters. We won’t know if we will be able to adopt them until May. And even then it will be tentative until September or so. This is “normal” in the world of foster to adopt. Many of our youth are very excited for us and many of the families and folks in the church have been wonderful. What I have been clinging to day by day in all of this is the way God has been faithful to us in the past. I try and remember ways in which I felt especially cared for by God and in that way am encouraged that He has His very best for us– no matter what– in our future. Whether the girls are our daughters just for now, or forever, He is faithful. Love to you all!
Hello Amanda -
I was trying to find your website to read more about your story like some others have done before I posted, but I couldn’t locate a link. A friend of mine is addicted to this blog and told me about a serious post made by a youth psstor’s wife and I wanted in.
Though I have never had a mis-carriage or dealt with the death of a child, I do know what it is like to suffer in the midst of ministry. In 2007 our son Joncee was diagnosed with eye cancer at 13 days of life. He underwent 6 cycles of chemotherapy during the next 7 months and we spent time in and out of hospitals fighting infections/fevers, etc. Shorty after the doctors discovered that the removal of his right eye would be the only solution to stop the growth of the cancer, we discovered he had also developed AML (Leukemia) at 12 months of age. Our story is long and trying as most stories are and we do have a blog that allows others to pray along side us. It has been one of my sources of strength. The good news is, our son is almost three, has two eyes, and has been in remission for over 13 months. God has been so good! I continued to serve him no matter what our situation was even living in the hospital during the 2008 year. It was amazing to see the people that we served coming together being the church that Jesus Christ intended to be.
I just wanted to encourage you to plant your tent in the land of hope. God will use your sufferings to produce character…
My prayer in my darkest times has been a favorite song of mine:
Lord help me to live this life as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to you.
Make my worship pure, make my love endure.
Wash away my pride, renew my mind.
Help me to live for you only, to reflect your glory, to be as one called by my God.
That you be seen as beauty by the life you live through me.
Be glorified oh God, and help me to live.
Much love to you this day my friend!
I love reading all your posts. I am a youth pastors wife and we lost our son this past September at 7 months along. Our church family really stepped up to love and support us. I sort of dropped out of sight for about 8 weeks. I couldn’t handle crowds. I felt like I somehow disappointed everyone. The hardest part was being disconnected from our high schoolers. When I did come back, most of the kids said nothing, a few just hugged me. I found it was nice to be back. Over the weeks I cried openly. Something I had tried never to do at church! It has been 6 months since our loss and still very hard on me. But I have had several people tell me that I have been an example, or a good witness because even if I come to church and cry, I am still coming. I now cry in youth group too. I let the kids see that hard times happen and hurt is real but we can still worship the Lord and love each other. This is something I am learning as well. I am learning to let others, even high schoolers love and encourage me. I let down my guard and my need to be the “strong one.” One of our high school girls recently got pregnant and miscarried. Now she and I have our little talks every so often, encouraging one another. I am actually learning to be more ‘real’, which is something I have always encouraged the kids to be!
Hey there,
About 2 years ago my husband and I lost our baby. We knew he was sick and would not make it. We actually found out that something was wrong the same week we moved to our new church. That was tough, trying to start our ministry at a church and trying to come to terms with loosing our baby. We were there three months when we had our little boy, Alex. It was so tough because I wanted to quite life! It was the end of my world. But, I wanted to be “ok” in front of my church! God really worked through me during this time and helped me to simply be real with my emotions and allow the church to see me at my darkest moments but to see how God pulled me through this! When people see pastors, youth pastors, etc and their wives go through a hard time they seem to watch every move you make to see if you really talk the talk and walk the walk (know what I mean?) But God did something through loosing our little man, He opened so many doors for people to see that when you go through these things that all you can do is lean on Him, and those people that seem to want to watch you “fail” are the people that are their to pull you up from the ground! Give glory to God that he see’s you and each of us that have gone through the death of a child the honor of sharing our testimony to others by our actions and our words that will leave His footprints on their hearts forever!!
A couple of resources that may help you out: you may have heard of them but they really helped me!!
-sarah’s laughter (you can google and find their site) awesome awesome ministry for death of a baby, infertility, miscarriages, etc
-”Grieving the baby I never knew” is a devo. book that was incredible!
-”Holding onto Hope” is a book by a lady who lost 2 babies!
I pray Mindy that you will allow God to move in your heart like never before during this time!!! If I can leave you with one thought is simply be real…with yourself, your husband, and your church!!!
I told God after loosing Alex that I would serve Him in this! I would share my testimony to help others! If you need to ever talk or anything please feel free to contact me! My email is mary_usm2004@yahoo.com