A post by Jennifer C.
I have a question for all of you and would love to hear what you married to youth pastor people think.
Do you ever feel like you should not have to be involved in every aspect of church life/ministry just because your spouse happens to be the youth pastor?
Many people support their spouse’s career without having direct involvement with every detail of their job.? I love what we do in ministry and am not burnt-out.? Sometimes I have a hard time saying no.
How do you handle saying no to things without seeming stand-offish or distant?? Do you ever feel guilty because you want to say no to church activities?
Thanks for any feedback you can give me.? God Bless you all!
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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I do not feel the pull to be involved in every aspect of the church! I am going to do what God has called me to do and given me a passion for. God has called other people to fill in those spots and if you are filling them out of obligation, other people cannot do what God has called them to do! You must do what God has given you a passion for and do it well. I know it is hard to say no, but I have learned to practice it and it is very freeing to say no and get the opportunity to explain what God has called me to do!!!
Right now I am blessed to be able to help out my husband as much as I want. But there are some things in the church that I don’t feel called to be in. Sometimes it’s just a matter of being in a bible study or leading a Bible study. Sometimes it can be to much. One things I need to remember is that the people who may ask you to be involved or help out in things don’t think about ALL the other things you are involved in. The guilt thing is something I still have a hard time with. But there was a book that really helped. Its called “What matters most” by Doug Fields. It is a small book and was able to read it in one sitting. It address saying no in ministry. They main thing I took away from it is that saying no to a ministry is not saying no to God. I would encourage you to read that book and have your husband read it as well. As long as you guys are on the same page knowing how much you want to be involved, he will be able to keep you accountable.
Good words!!!
Sometimes I feel like people expect me to participate in certain ministries or activities just because I am married to the youth pastor. Not just with youth stuff, but with ladies’ Bible studies that I may or may not be interested in or have time for, children’s ministry events, etc. I usually have go-to answers I use to gracefully decline those invitations (aka expectations). 1- Say I’ll check the calendar and get back to them, but I need to make sure I protect date nights and other non-church time. 2- Say “no, thank you” and recommend someone else who might be able to help (i.e. someone in my small group who would like to serve but is less “visible” and might not get asked). 3- If appropriate (drama, tech, childcare, etc.), say I’ll have my husband ask the kids on Wednesday night and maybe we could give a few of them a place to serve in the church body. Use your discretion with number three- obviously- but really, there are a LOT of things kids can do!
I’m pretty involved in my husband’s middle school ministry, but some things- like dodgeball and camping- are not my bag, baby! And I’m pretty upfront with people about that. We try to use the question, “would regular volunteers be expected to do this?” to determine whether my level of activity is appropriate. Sometimes it means I have to do the things I don’t want to do, but other times it does get me out of activities.
I think saying no is a precious word that God gives us. Within the church, things can get pretty busy, hectic an crazy. When my husband and I were dating, we did everything with the youth–we loved serving in this capacity together.
But, times change as do responsibilities.
We are expecting baby #4, and with each child I’ve had to say no more often for the sake of our family. There is a season for everything, right? I don’t want the kids to get a view of the busyness of ministry, and neglect to see the Jesus whom we serve. When I am too busy, I do nothing well–including loving my spouse and kids. THIS is my main ministry at this point–raising up a houseful of kids who know Jesus personally. It’s a unique, God-given calling.
I probably do seem stand-off-ish a lot, because I don’t really feel the need to explain myself to others. It’s boundaries that keep my family intact, and will hopefully allow us to do this for the long-haul.
Hi, I totally agree with the comments by the other ladies. I myself came onto the “youth pastor’s wife” scene as a total newbie to ministry. I work almost full-time as a nurse and yet I felt that I needed to be involved in everything my husband was doing at the church. I would even turn up to events after working a 12hr shift at the hospital!! Needless to say I was exhausted! Soon, I realized that I was the only one that was putting these expectations on myself. I decided to pick one ministry to pour myself into and leave the others. My husband has a great team of sponsors to help him- I don’t have to do everything! It is so true that we need to follow our own callings, passions and desires and not bow to any pressures (put on by ourselves or others) about being overly involved.
I have found that people are totally fine with me not being involved in everything. They understand that they hired my husband, not me. As well, my giftings are (obviously) not the same as his. I think approaching it from this angle is helpful.
I think that often times individuals who have trouble saying no in a ministry setting also have trouble saying no in any setting. For me, saying no has not be difficult, because I firmly believe that God has called me to put my family above anything else, unless it is something that HE specifically called me to do. Therefore, it is not hard for me to say no to busy things, or even really great things that God has not asked me to do but someone else thinks would be a good idea. Reading the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend when I was in college really helped me be able to learn this skill. I would highly recommend it. I also try to only care what God, and my husband thinks as far as my involvement in church activities. I do believe that I need to be involved in ministry in the church, but I believe that EVERY Christian should be involved in ministry in the church, so it has nothing to do with me being a pastor’s wife. Plus I am blessed with a church that does not put unrealistic expectations on me, which makes my job MUCH easier.
I have less direct involvement with my husband’s ministry than I did a few years ago. I was doing a lot of things because I felt that I had to. I was becoming pretty bitter.
When I slowed down, and chose the aspects of his ministry that I felt gifted in and passionate about our life improved. I was able to enjoy helping. He was able to enjoy having me help.
I also realized how many people in our church were waiting for a chance to serve in the youth ministry. It has been fun to see God fill in the gaps that were created by me stepping back. We have a ton of people who have gifts that are opposite of mine. The youth ministry has benifited from the expanding leadership team.
I will add that the transition from being at every SINGLE thing to being at a few events was not emotionless. That might be a topic worth discussing too. As yp wives, we can be a bit teritorial. The balance between protecting your marriage and allowing new volunteers to take on responsibility can be challenging at first.
I was always right by my husband’s side for every youth function. I usually helped tons with the prep of special events, weekly youth group, and was basically the “co-pilot” as much as I could be when I wasn’t working. But since we had our son in November, I haven’t been able to do as much. Or even be around as much. I don’t know if the “guilt” come from myself internally just because I used to be able to help so much more or from other sources. It’s definetly been an adjustment & we’re still figuring out our new normal.
I have struggled with this issue for a couple of years. It really depends on the church leadership and their expectations. In our current church, when my husband and I were in the interviewing process, we made it clear that Mike is the youth pastor and I am just one of his volunteers. My husband went to school for 7 years for youth ministry…he is the professional. Not me. While I love working with teenagers, I have a full-time job and other responsibilities. I think laying everything on the table at the beginning really freed me up of any guilt. The funny thing is all the many times that I am asked about what is going to happen at youth group and the topic of the message. Every time, I share that “I have no idea. We didn’t discuss it.” There is always a look of shock. It’s funny how people don’t get that youth ministry isn’t my job as well. I have learned to chuckle and move on. The main thing is…what does your husband expect? My husband protects me and my time and that has been not only a life saver but it’s special to know that he looks out for me in this way as well. And ALWAYS remember, your first ministry is your family. Be sure this is reflected in the calendar.
Where’s the post about that great book someone gave you for free? Hunh? Where?
Oh, and a link to purchase their own copy would be great. Just a suggestion.
My response is similar to Krista’s.
For the first two years of our marriage, I wanted to be as involved as possible in the youth group. I actually finished up student teaching right after I got married, but then my husband and I decided that I would move on to substitute teaching instead of searching out a full time job so we could have more time for building up our marriage. However, my husband has always tried to protect me from taking on too much responsibility and getting burned out, so I am often asked detailed questions about what is going on in youth group. This seems to shock most people in my church, too.
I just started a full-time, year-round teaching job that can be pretty taxing, so I am in the middle of trying to find out what my new normal is. I think I will end up not being at every event, retreat, and meeting anymore, and I am a little surprised to find out that I am ok with that. Of course, part of that probably comes from Married to a Youth Pastor track I attended at the last conference and this blog. I’m so glad to have read all of your posts!
My husband and I are both employed by the church. He is the senior youth pastor as to where I am alongside him with other titles like our senior pastors assistant and etc. We are about to be a year married in a few days but have been doing youth ministry together for 3 years. Saying that, my husband’s drive for the ministry on a scale from 1 to 10 is like 30. Way over, I think. We struggle with saying no. We also stuggle with making time for ourselves. My biggest fear is that we’d spent all year being married to the ministry instead of each other. There has to be balance and you should never feel guilty about saying no to other church functions. I believe that its the responsibility of your church to have enough leaders in place to balance the weight.
Just want to include: Amanda your blog makes me realize that I’m not the only one out there who sometimes feels guilty, alone, and misunderstood. Thanks so much for being a ray of hope and letting God’s light shine through your blog-site. You are a well in the desert for many of us youth pastor’s wives.
Somebody already asked it earlier? What are your husband’s expectations? I had all this guilt when we first started until my husband made it clear that ministry came after me (of course God is first). He gave me permission to say no and backed me up if others came to him asking if I could do something. Seriously, ladies…it’s your relationship that has to be solid before all the helping and serving in the church can be done completely well. Then we had a baby and my hubby become superprotector. He made it clear that our children would never feel that the church came over them, no matter how hard it was going to be for him to strive to make that happen. Ella will be three this month and our second is coming May 28th. This is our third church and at each one, my husband has let the board or pastor know in the interview process that they are hiring him, not his wife, though she likes to help out when she can. IF there isn’t childcare provided (or some that we trust..I’m sure you understand that, too), then I don’t volunteer, even if its for the refreshment table at the easter egg hunt because my three year old comes first. You just have to learn to be firm, yet tactful when you explain this. But, your hubby has to be the one who makes it plainly clear so you feel backed up!
Sounds like we’re snobs, or something, I’m sure, but a lady in our mom’s group praised my hubby just yesterday for being such a protector of ‘his girls.’ I think it’s an example to lay people in how to balance family and work and who can argue when you are following the plan set up by God (Him, family, ministry)?
The only bummer when kids come into the picture is that sometimes ministries you LOVE might have to be put on hold until your kids are older and have their own classes and such. I love singing, but my hubby can’t watch our kids during praise team practice because youth are still in the youth room hanging out. I’m a single mom on days the ‘church’ is in session and since I haven’t any family near, I’ve had to deal with saying no to that stuff. But, in ten years I’ll probably be sad my kids don’t need me as much and then I can sing all I want.
Oh, and by the way, God will bless you for being a mom in the same ways he’d bless you for serving in the church for Him, like singing or coordinating bible school or whatever, as long as you’re doing it for His Glory and not your own. Hang in there ladies. It seems like a lonely road but this site sure brings hope and encouragement to my heart!
Thank you Jessica for this encouragement and note about your family being away. My family lives in Texas while I live with my husband and three little boys in California. I do feel like a single mom most nights. I almost feel like it’s not fair that I don’t have the ‘support’ I think most women must have. Anyhow, your post was uplifting!
Have you ladies every noticed that because you are married to a youth pastor everyone assumes you are called to ministry. No one thinks just maybe you have not surrendered to it yourself. About a month ago I was actually called to be a minister and not just a minister’s wife. I have shared this major thing with many people, even our sr. pastor’s wife, but they just smile and nod. Like oh thats nice. Hello I just shared something major. Oh well the music minister got it and was really excited. I mean it really does not matter except I guess I am just surprised that people seem to think I already was so no big deal. Oh well I am still praising God in everything and at least I am enjoying my heart transplant.
I think a lot is determined by the other staff wives. At the other churches we have been at the staff wives are there (even when they are throwing up in the parking lot–true story) at every function. Thankfully at the church we are currently at things are different. The current and former pastor’s wives are not at everything. Our pastor’s wife attends one of the three services we have and does attend special church functions with the pastor. But it is not in excess. Because of this it really has helped me to learn that it is not a “requirement” of the pastor’s wife. Our congregation realizes that they don’t get a 2 for 1 special. I help my husband a lot–but if I am unable–then I don’t. It is also great because my husband doesn’t feel like he has to be at everything.
When you can really accept the fact that you cannot possibly do everything, you really start to feel much more free! I am a high school teacher, so I’m with teenagers 5 days a week already. It can be totally exhausting to head over to church after a long day at work. My husband is very protective of my emotional state; therefore, I’m not the “lead” volunteer at any youth function. If I’m not able to make it, they aren’t scrambling to find another adult. I’m due in 3 weeks with our first child, and it’s been so great to say, “I’m not going on Wednesday night. I just want to go home and put my feet up.” The other leaders take over, and I’m not feeling guilty that I’ve abandoned my high school girls. We wouldn’t expect our other volunteers to NEVER EVER miss a week, so I get the same treatment!
Mindy has made a great point. That would be a good question to ask during the interview process. What is the level of involvement of the other pastors’ wives? That would tell you a lot about the church’s expectations.
Thank you for all the wise encouraging comments. I really helps to know that I am not alone in my struggle with this question.
Thanks be to God that he is always with me and that he has given me a great, supportive husband who doesn’t put pressure on me to be anything God doesn’t want me to be. I have found renewed joy and peace!
God Bless You All!!!
I just realized that I have to start saying no to things. It’s impossible. Our church is small and it seems like the same group of people are the ones volunteering for EVERYTHING. And there are certain expectations because of the Associate/Youth Pastor thing. It’s hard, but people need to break out of their comfort zone and serve!