Here’s another something…
By Amanda on Apr 21, 2009 in Featured
What do you, as a WIFE, not as a staff person, not as a volunteer, not as a church attender, but just as a wife (that is still all of those other things)… what do you say or do to encourage your husband when all the chips are down? When the Senior Pastor is breathing down his neck, and the elders are not “behind” him anymore?
I want to fight, I want to take on the church. I want to knock on the Sr. Pastor’s door and tell him “what-for”. I also want to say, “forget it then, let’s pack up and go somewhere else.” (I would not suggest doing either if you want your husband to ever talk to you again.)
But its so hard to not be able to DO anything.
Been there?
Ugh yeah. Today. J/K, sorta. But, yes, it is hard to sit still. So many times I’d like to go knock on the SP door and give him a piece of my mind
(This was more so in our past church than our current one). It got to the point there where I was literally taking construction paper and taping verses like “take heart, I have overcome the world” & others dealing w/ trials to our kitchen cabinets. The best was when churchmembs. came over and these were in plain sight (we lived in the parsonage). A listening ear, praying behind the scenes, and keeping the home a “safe haven” to come home to were other tangible things I could do.
Laura H. | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
I have personally been in that situation!! There is nothing more painful than to see your husband go through pain from the church. I have learned that the very best thing (as a wife) is too love on him and build him up. Speak words of faith and blessing over him. Literally embrace him. Listen to him. Let HIM talk.
I know that may seem like very little, especially when the person you love is being attacked or not supported.
I found though that when YOU encourage him and lift him up and pray over your husband…you will impact his life (and your marriage) so much more than if you stormed the Sr. Pastor’s office. (Don’t get me wrong…I wanted to do that!!! Boy, did I.) But through it all…so many times, he would turn to me and tell me to keep it up…his faith was strengthened through my faith. Our husbands need us.
I also encourage a wonderful habit of praising God for the struggles. Whenever someone would say something awful and untrue about my husband…rather than blowing up at them…we would give each other high-fives and excitedly talk about how God was going to bless us and that it qualified us for doubles (blessings). Crazy sounding, but it helped us keep the joy and faith in would really should have been one of the darkest times in our life. And for the record, God has been restoring and blessing us in doubles at least!! (Just pray we don’t have twins.)
I have also developed a habit over these crazy years of youth ministry to lay hands on my husband and pray over him while he sleeps. If you’ve never done it, I encourage it. It’s a special little thing that he will never know about…but I believe will impact him greatly.
Believe me, with all of this..you ARE doing something. This is how you FIGHT.
Krista | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
Oh my goodness yes! That’s truly all I can say without becoming more irritated by it. But I think there are a lot of us out there that can empathize with you.
Sarah W. | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
I so agree with Krista… wow thanks. My brother-in-law is the sp and boy do things get really irritating. In fact all my other 3 brothers and sister (first lady) work together. True story… my husband is on the phone with my brother as we speak because my family the “sp’s” don’t appreciate him and under-value him. Where do you draw the line, you know? Who’s side do you take? So hard? Prayer and speaking words of encouragement to your husband seems right. I believe your performance will buy you some freedom and right now this way seems like this is (prayer) the only way to that. Besides, revenge isn’t ours anyway but for giggles you sure can come up with some type of plan, lol.
Becky | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
I’m a fighter. Okay, so I’ve never stormed a board meeting in person, but I’ve definitely worn tracks on my living room floor imagining just what I’d say to those geezers if I ever were to. Some of my most used lines at my husband are “Why won’t ANYone do something!” and “Could you, for once, stand up for yourself?!”
Some things I’ve learned over the past year: my husband is man enough and while I get all Mama Bear sometimes it’s not like he’s two and needs me stomping all over his life trying to fix things when things get stressful. Also, I’m learning to BELIEVE that God is bigger and that He saw this day. I absolutely cling to Isaiah 43:1-3 on those days.
On a practical level, at our house I try to reign in my wild horses and keep from hashing and rehashing work stresses when we’re at home. It helps us create a distinct separation between church and home and quite honestly, during the times that we make conscious effort at that separation, it works WONDERS for our relationship. Let’s be honest, it’s next to impossible to be intimate or even just relaxed and hanging out when we’re busy fuming on our living room couch.
p.s. Holy long blog comment, Batman!
Hosanna | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
Uh…Been there. Many times!! My YP hubby has been in ministry for 15 years and this issue come has come around on many occasions. Some occasions have ben tougher than others. And yes, I do tend to get all Mama Bear like Hosanna said.
I just don’t get that while this man is giving his heart and soul, that there are others at the church who don’t see it, or appreciate it. Frustrating with a capital F!!!
But, these have also been the times when my hubby and I have been the most connected and unified. A unified front at home helps to give him the strength to go to that workplace each day and deal with all the “stuff”. I, too, pray over him while he sleeps. God tends to show up in those moments and it feels like I am in the “fight”, although nobody knows they are fighting with me. It’s a win-win!
shannon | Apr 21, 2009 | Reply
This may be slightly off topic … but what if the situation is reversed…
There is a woman that my YP fiance works with that has a huge problem with me. I dont want this to cause any problems for him at the office , and i have done well so far in controlling my urge to “let her have it” but there has to be a line somewhere. He has offered repeatedly to address the situation for me , but i dont feel like it is His battle , and i am scared that would create a big conflict within the staff … any advice , im new at this whole YP business , but I am about to marry Him so advice from some veteran YP wives would be excellent !
Katie | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
I am not sure how to handle the situation with a woman, like Katie described, but one thing I have to remind myself to do with my husband is to take his side, ALWAYS, even when I don’t technically agree with his assessment. In most cases, it is not my job to be the “other perspective” in the situation. It is my job to listen and express concern and be offended in all the right places. He needs someone on his side, at least initially. Eventually, once he’s calm, he’ll ask my opinion (usually a few days later) and then I can give him a different perspective if I have one.
Another big problem I have with this very situation is that I can no longer be a member of the church. Ignorance is no longer my helper because I know too much. I gain nothing from the SP sermons because I am hearing him through the frustration of my husband. I pray about this a lot, but I’m not sure how to keep from being jaded by the church. Right now, I don’t really like church, and I’m trying not to equate God with the church. I have a long way to go in my own walk.
Anon | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
We have been on both sides of the fence with this situation. We were in 2 very unsupportive churches and were ready to leave the ministry altogether. Now that we are in a supportive environment it helps me to remind my husband where we once were and how good we have it now. I also try to let him know that I’m proud of him and to continue to do what the Lord is calling him to do. But when we were in those hard situations I mostly listened to him vent, let him know I loved him and was proud of him and gave my unrelenting support. In today’s economy where churches are letting people go and are struggling financially it is still a blessing to have a job–even on the rough days when nothing seems to be going right!
Mindy Hart | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
Well, ladies! I, too, have been in this situation and to think we will only be married for five years on June 5th! I agree with most of the comments….be a unified front, don’t rehash it all at home and instead have your home as a haven and of course, though you want to storm the SP’s door, don’t!
You know the hardest part is trying to understand why others don’t want to protect your hubby the way you do, because you see his heart and you know his mission and you know that he feels he is following what God tells him to do.
The best thing you can do is support him. Don’t let gossip happen at all around you, even if it is pro-your hubby if bashing of the Sr pastor has to take place. When at home, listen to him, cry with him and pray for and with him! Pray for him in front of him, out loud!
I think my husband always feels like he’s failed me when things like this happen–like if his job is hanging in the balance, how can he feel like a good husband and father? That’s where I can step in and reassure him that God is in control, that I am not panicking (obviously, I have to give it all to God before I tell him this which is hard but is the ONLY thing you can do), and that I love him and will support him whether we weather through the storm here, if that’s what God is asking us to do, or have to move somewhere else (gulp–that one’s scary, but God has been so awesome already in this area for me). He may cry or sob even when you tell him this and you can’t freak out that he’s going off the deep end if he does–or he won’t be so vulnerable the next time. Also, if he has access to any outside-of-the-church contact that is a pastor friend that could counsel him, encourage him to call that friend. Someone not involved has great perspective and has the credentials that a man needs in order to deem that person worthy of taking his advice.
By they way, if someone needs to personally vent about their situation…I’ve been there and can pray, even if I don’t know you. jess@stevansheets.com
www.jessicasheets.com | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
I’ve been were you are. After I read your question I asked it of my husband who is a youth pastor (20yrs.) what I did that really helped him through that time. He said:
- Listen to me. Don’t think you need to solve me problem just listen.
- Don’t rehash everything at home. Home is a protected happy place.
- Refuse to take part in any gossip from either side.
- It is important that I have intimacy with you, emotional & physical. Knowning that love is always there is very comforting.
- Pray for me everyday.
Things will get better. Just do what you know is the Lord’s will and he will take care of the rest. God Bless…will be praying for you and your church.
Jennifer | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
“my” problem not “me”…sorry. I was typing fast the kids are due home any minute.
Jennifer | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
Sometimes I offer to beat the person or thing up for him. I am obviously not serious when I say that, but it always brings a little smile to his face that I am so much in HIS corner that I would do that (even though I wouldn’t do that in a million years, so don’t worry
After that I hug him, offer to pray with him, give him space if he needs it, encourage him to pray by himself, encourage him to talk with someone that he trusts, and so on.
It is so rough, and I feel so protective at times of him. I think he appreciates that.
Erica | Apr 22, 2009 | Reply
Hey Amanda,
I have something I’d love to get a chance to talk to you about. If you have a second, could you possibly email me? I couldn’t find an email address of yours to contact you with on this website. Thanks so much!
Hosanna
hgalquero@gmail.com
Hosanna | Apr 23, 2009 | Reply
At least you guys have a SP…At the church we are at, the SP retired the month after we got there! Now my husband (youth and children’s pastor) is the only full time staffer with an interim SP who is in the office 1 day a week. It’s almost been a year and this is by far the hardest place to serve yet. Every little thing gets delegated to him because they feel since he’s the only one getting paid for full time, he can do these things. But really, it makes less time to do what his is called to do and he ends up spending more time on doing what all these church members think he should do. (I think calling at the house at dinner time because a light bulb needs to be changed is a little ridiculous.)—ok..done venting
Many times I have wanted to lay into some of these people. They expect…demand so much of him it makes me hurt for him. I just listen to him and his frustrations because really, that’s all I can do besides prayer.
He does have pastor friends that understand what he’s dealing with and I think that helps a ton!
Good topic Amanda!
ypwifey | Apr 26, 2009 | Reply
Erica,
Sometimes I offer to send “my people” to break knee caps. Obviously I could never do this because I don’t actually have any “people”. I does bring a smile when I mention it though.
God Bless you and your ministry!
Jennifer | Apr 27, 2009 | Reply
I am so there right now. He is discouraged and I am ready to fight and holding my tongue is making me want to explode. Except change SP to SP’s wife who thinks that she is in charge of my Dear Hubby just because she is married to SP. When do we let DH handle his business and when do we put SPW in her place?
Nikki | Apr 28, 2009 | Reply
Been there. And it was bad!! We were freshly married, and I was trying to be the best supportive wife possible and he was getting kicked around at ‘work/church’. He was being incredibly patient and all I wanted to do was beat up some people!!
I learned a lot through him in that time of submitting to authority and how much to take. I constantly had to hold my tongue around him, but thankfully I had a great YPW that understood and I could vent to. This helped me through!
Kara-Kae James | Apr 28, 2009 | Reply
This is in response to Katie’s post on April 22nd. Katie, I feel your pain. My husband and I dated long distance so I only moved to his town when we got engaged. There was a particularly difficult female intern on his staff that made it clear, in a passive aggressive way, that I was not welcome. My fiance at the time did the same as yours and offered to have a conversation for me but I didn’t want to open a can of worms.
I won’t say the first year was easy. I slowly set boundaries, and looking back wish I would have stood up for myself a little more. But I was coming in brand new and thought I’d never make friends that way. If you want to talk to her, I’d approach it humbly and ask, “I feel like I may have done something to offend you. Is there anything we need to get out on the table so we can better work together?” That puts the ball in her court and if it’s really just her issue then she’ll have to acknowledge it.
All that to say, I continually gave the situation to the Lord. I have now seen a pattern where, in His timing, He has had a way of removing those difficult people from our lives through various circumstances. After awhile she, and any others having a hard time sharing your finace with you, will learn that you are here to stay and begin to accept you two as a package. Hang in there and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Lori | May 13, 2009 | Reply
So apparently, I am not as Godly as all of you!! I am definitely WAY more assertive than my husband and so when my husband was deeply hurt by the sr. pastor I did “storm the pastor’s office”. Ok…not really. I sent an email (which I actually despise people doing…ironic). It wasn’t angry, it just simply explained how hurt we were and did he really mean those things he said? And I went on to say how dedicated and passionate my husband is and how used he felt.
The result? The next day the sr. pastor profusely apologized to my husband and the relationship was restored.
Did I do the wrong thing? I struggle a lot with letting my husband be the leader and this may be a prime example of the same. Does anyone else feel this way? Do you think what I did undermined my husband’s leadership?
Jen | May 20, 2009 | Reply
That’s funny you should mention that. I was in that spot in northern California, and even though we moved to northern Washington there are still massive amounts of painful reminders ripling through our synod nationally because of what we have went through. My husband had a dual Call to both music and youth, but the church had removed his music portion of the Call to make sure he was humbled…then the church was taking a hit and needed to completely lay off 2 staff members. We were basically told go or get the can. Now that the state of California is declaring bankrupcy the rest of the youth pastors of my old synod are worried that what happened with us will happen to them. How can someone unCall a person when it’s a Call from God not people they asked. So, the synod replied that in a pinch the only people they legally recognize as Called is the Senoir Pastor on the staff. That allows the church to lay off all staff except the Senoir Pastor without our synod needing to step in to intervien or circumvent. My husband and I worry for friends we know recently married or are expecting twins with that district continuing to feel the crunch. This is tough. I pray for them all the time.
Kristy | Jun 5, 2009 | Reply
I wanted to explode at our old youth board director when he told me to pass a few messages to my husband taht were very negative, but in that moment God had me pity that man instead of killing him, and I shared with him that I thought he was negative because he didn’t know my husband very well and he didn’t know ministry very well. I talked through more than half of the church service I was suppose to attend with my husband testifying what I had learned about ministry and my husband, and he melted. I wouldn’t say that man is completely changed or anything, but I think the Spirit moved through me to plant the seed of ministry in that man to keep the youth group going with God’s agenda, and not man’s. I say he’s our old board pres. because we moved, and the youth group was not planing on fulfilling the needs of that age group, but I hear now they are trying…thank God
Kristy | Jun 5, 2009 | Reply
I know that its been awhile since you posted this blog but I’m a newbie and just read through it. I am going through something like this…its actually been going on for sometime. I am not yet married but have been dating my future husband for 4 years, he is the youth pastor in our church and I help him out. The senior pastors in our church are his parents and this makes it even harder. I feel like they expect too much from my fh (future hubby) and went he doesn’t do what they consider “good” they pound on him. I feel very unhappy and sometimes I feel like I’m at the end of my rope and even think about not even getting married. Sometimes its so hard to serve with a happy heart where God has placed you. HELP!!!
lourdes | Oct 9, 2009 | Reply
Lourdes,
I know that the issue of the yp being the son of the senior pastor has come up on here before. You might want to look back at some of the older posts. If I am remembering correctly several people responded.
Ann | Oct 10, 2009 | Reply