Oh, Sweet Wisdom…
By Amanda on Jun 9, 2009 in Featured
Sometimes life can get so hectic in ministry. You know, it really goes in seasons. And I can (most of the time) keep a clear head about me knowing the big picture that this too shall pass and there will be a peaceful time again. But my kids, as expected, are not the same. Recently there has been so much happening I have been bringing my kids to appropriate events, BBQ’s, game nights, dinners, etc., that they might think were fun and would get to see dad. After a few weeks of “fun” we were about to go to a family church BBQ to meet up with Jeff and my 5 year old son did not want to go. He was so sad about it. So I tried to tell him it would be fun for him, he would get to see daddy and other friends and we would all be together.
In his ever so wise 5 year old voice he says, “Daddy is there, but he can’t be with me.”
Oooh!!! So true. I didn’t think of it in the perspective of a 5 year old. It has to be pretty confusing to see daddy “playing” with other kids and not always available for his own. So as parents we will have to change things up a bit. Not go to so many “fun” events. We will work it out. I’m not too worried about the long term effects. But his words have really stayed with me this week. What a powerful sentence.
“You are there, but you can’t be with me.”
Does this statement trickle into any other parts of my world? Yes. I unfortunately think so. Not just with my kids sometimes, but with my relationship with my husband, relationships with friends, and my relationship with God. There are definitly times that life is going so fast, fun or not, that I am present, but not available. I would like to change that up a bit.
My boys ages 16, 13, 10 & 8 have expressed the same feelings as your son. I know it has been hard for them to share mom and dad with lots of other kids. We have tried very hard to make sure they don’t feel like they constantly have to compete for our attention. But, sometimes I still struggle to maintain a good balance between what I feel is too much or not enough. I mean church is supposed to be part of what we do as a Christian family and not just “Daddy’s work”, right?
They get it though. My oldest son recently told me that he thinks that “other kids are lucky to have you and dad in their life because they don’t really have anyone else”. “I mean isn’t showing people God’s love what we are about?”.
May God continue to bless your family & ministry. Our family will be praying for your family.
Jennifer | Jun 9, 2009 | Reply
Oh yeah!! I totally get this and have heard it myself from my boys! There are times when staying away is a better idea than joining in on the “fun”. There came a time for us, when my boys were past that “cute baby” stage that we had to stay away even more. It wasn’t always fun for the hi schoolers to have our kids around either. And then there was the season that we heard this from our kids A LOT and hubby had to totally reevaluate the event calendar for the ministry to cut back on some activities. It is a constant juggle to find that space when we are “present” for our own kids. Unfortunately, or fortunately as the case may be, it is something that comes with the territory of ministry family. But, I do think it is one of the harder struggles for us as spouses and our sweet babies.
shannon | Jun 9, 2009 | Reply
Thanks so much for this post. It really resonated with me, as I do drag my kids to many church-related functions, but I always feel that our kids get the raw end of the deal there. It is also a good reminder for me as a Mom. I’ve chosen to be a stay-at-home mom, but some days I’m trying to accomplish so much I wonder how little of me they are actually getting because of this choice I made for the betterment of my kids. It’s the same with hubby and me and all the talking we do about what’s going on. We are both verbal processors, and often the kids can’t get a word in edgewise because Mommy and Daddy are talking…it’s a good reminder to not only be there, but to be available too! Thanks! Lots to ponder…
Monica | Jun 9, 2009 | Reply
I don’t have kids, but in a way your story put a name to something I have felt in my own heart before. Of course I’m an adult and know how to share, but I hadn’t ever been able to put my finger on why I am sometimes reluctant to go to youth events. I usually feel this way when my husband and I haven’t been spending much time together.
This is a great reminder that church time is church time, family time is family time, and you shouldn’t try to fool yourself into thinking there can be a dual purpose for either. I think we have to call a church event what it is and be intentional about balancing church and family. Thanks for the heads-up, ladies, and may God bless you with wisdom as you share your heart with your families and the kids at church.
Kristen | Jun 10, 2009 | Reply
Kristen, so very true. Thanks for putting that in black and white. We skipped the post parent meeting ice cream social this week. My kids were fried from all the “fun” graduation parties that we were invited to. It would be sad if we weren’t invited, but sometimes the kids and I need to bow out.
This post did remind me that I tend to put too much pressure on my kidos to be at/have fun at events that are designed for people ten years older. Hmm. . . I might need to be more thoughtful about what we go to for the rest of the summer.
Does anyone ever have a hard time convincing your husband that church events are not family events?
Ann | Jun 11, 2009 | Reply
I totally agree with all of you! We just had a second baby (1 week old) and I am completely ok with not going to youth events this summer and dragging my 19th month old and new born baby. Although I admit I am really sad today that my husband gets to go to all the graduations and I feel like I am missing out because I do really enjoy doing youth ministry and my heart wants to be part of it. I am very lucky that my husband puts family as a priority and tries his best to give us his time in the midst of a very busy time in youth ministry. The hard part for us is that there is a lot of pressure from the senior leadership to constently be doing more and I feel like sometimes the expectations are unhealthy. How do you deal with that? You want to give your best to the church and youth group and it seems like more is expected but you want to be a healthy family also….
Angelina | Jun 12, 2009 | Reply
Awww, your sweet son’s comment was so sad. And the follow-up definitely stepped on some toes, as I sit here in front of the computer “present” but not “available” per se.
Priorities. I never realized how life is really just full of putting things in priority. Married life in ministry, throw our own kids into the mix, and there is so much to choose from!
Something that stood out from the Nat. YM Conf. is when the panel talked about needing to have something special for PKs about the church. I forget if it was your hubby, Amanda, or Doug, but one talked about the PK’s perk of knowing where the soda was kept in the youth house & getting one special when it was just him and dad at church together/running an errand. We have several other youth workers with young kids and are balancing how to ask others’ young kids not be present at everything the youth min does but not feeling like we have to keep our kid out as well. Is it a double standard? Or how do you allow some perks for being a pk?
Laura H. | Jun 13, 2009 | Reply
Laura,
I believe it is totally a double standard. But one I have no problem taking advantage of. Other youth workers are volunteers and their kids have both parents around on a regular “normal” schedule. They also have volunteered for whatever event, so that they may serve the students, not their own children at that time. We take special privileges because our daddies are not around on a “normal” schedule at some times during the year. And I am present to take care of my own kids because I have not volunteered to serve other students at that time. (Now if I have a small group and need to be attentive to students because I signed up for it, then that would be different and I wouldn’t bring my own kids). I also can not expect Jeff to be in the daddy role when we are around at youth events. He can do some stuff, but its mainly me, and any other student that may want to buddy up with me because I am the pastor’s wife. So my kids love the perks of junk food, sodas, all the attention from the students, Jeff will even bring them on stage sometimes, and they know they get to do stuff that the other kids can’t do at church, that alone makes them feel like rock stars. But sometimes not even all the perks make up for sharing your daddy.
ALL that to say yes its a double standard. And YES take it.
Lots of love,
Amanda
Amanda Maguire | Jun 13, 2009 | Reply
There are tears in my eyes as I read all of your posts. I came on here today needing to read words from people who deal with similar ministry struggles as myself… the busy summer schedule is truly upon our household and with dad away this week, our 19 month old has had 5 stitches per one accident (with help from 4 year old sis) and then another injury just today. Hard not to get tired of the single parent status of the summer… Thanks for being real, Amanda, there must be a little bit of hesitation as you write posts knowing that youth leaders/elders may read them too… your openness is a blessing to me and obviously many others…
Amanda (but not the official one) | Jun 19, 2009 | Reply
Found your blog tonight. We have been at our current ministry almost three years. After a year and a half our senior pastor had to resign because of a moral indiscretion leaving us standing alone as the only pastor for over a year. Because of the pressures dumped on us as a couple/family in the absence of a senior pastor, I have been left feeling completely empty even though we have recently hired a new senior pastor.
I am a stay-at-home mom of a three-year-old and a one-year-old. Definitely related to your money post. Things are tight for us too! I guess I am really struggling with expectations put on me recently by new senior pastor/wife and other church members. We have a need in our nursery/preschool at our church for someone to come in and organize and lead. I was asked to take this position. After praying about it a couple of months ago, I said, no. We have a lot on our plate with my husband’s youth schedule and other miscellaneous responsibilities. The position would involve a ton of hours on the phone (which I have come to find is impossible with two little ones) and hours in the church building. We live far away from family, so I feel as if I have no support as far as help with my kids when I need it.
I would be interested if it is the norm for a youth pastor’s wife to have another official title besides just youth pastor’s wife. The no answer that I gave to the leadership has been being ignored and they have been proceeding with the assumption that I am going to just do it.
It is not that I don’t want to be involved, I am involved in lots of other ways, a playgroup for young moms every week, meal ministry, rotating on nursery/preschool schedule, etc. I just feel I cannot take anymore!
Jen | Sep 13, 2009 | Reply
Ah, thank you Amanda. I so needed this tonight. I went online searching for some confirmation of what I felt, but still desiring to be open to the truth. Just this week, we’ve faced some criticism about our kids being ‘around’ the youth group too much. We’ve been at this church for a little over 2 years, and the funny thing is we’ve pared down their involvement a lot due to numerous reasons. They offer childcare so I can actually serve some also, we have more children now (4 boys, ages 5, 3, and twin 2 year olds, and baby boy #5 due in Dec.) and it becomes increasingly difficult, and the fact that there are quite a few other young families on volunteer staff, and we worry about offending them with too much attention given to our kids. However, we both have grown up with the model of a youth pastor’s family being VERY involved, and we loved it for a variety of reasons. We feel the value of modeling, the value of connecting our kids to the students for both their sakes, of being together as a family more, for the boys understanding Daddy’s calling, and so on. And I strongly agree that there needs to be these perks of being a YPK… as there are certain perks in many careers. Needless to say, I have been dealing with very hurt feelings, which isn’t that common for me. I feel like we’ve tried very carefully to do things right, but still honor our philosophy. I guess we hadn’t realized the lack of the modelling of such ministry by previous youth pastors here, since in 20 plus years of being in or serving in youth ministry at a several churches, it was always the norm. And I do realize that the criticism comes from others who are known for griping and dissension, but it still hurts. I’m just a little nervous because this is one of our strong tenents of our YM beliefs, and one of the reasons we love the job, and chose to have a big family,etc. It would probably be a deal breaker if we were told to exclude them more. Something to think about for those of you searching for a new position. Find out how they feel about this issue. I didn’t even realize it was an issue until recently.
Amy | Oct 9, 2009 | Reply