This is the brutal truth…
This post is not for the faint of heart…
As we were pre-camp send off, Jeff was feeling the stress and I was anticipating the long week ahead with two kids and a teething (non-sleeping) baby. Neither of us were in the best of moods. We got ready for bed and I asked Jeff if he could wake up with the baby in the middle of the night this last time even though he had to leave by 5am to go to camp. He hesitantly agreed and we went to sleep for a little while to be awakened at 1am, he got up, fed the baby and put him back to bed still awake and crabby. Both of us awake and mad I express to him just how mad I am at him for not putting the baby back to sleep. So I get up to go rock the baby and continue to express my unpleasant feelings knowing he can hear me in the monitor, I may have cussed a little. Baby asleep by 3:15am, back to bed with a large thump to startle Jeff awake so he knows what time it is. 3:45am awakened AGAIN by the snoring of my lovely husband! I am so so mad I throw the covers off and hit him in the face with a pillow, accidentally. He sits up, “What happened?” I again express my mad feelings by storming out of the room saying something like, “I hate your guts!” (So mature I know) And I sleep in the big kids room. I wake up at 6:00am to baby crying and husband gone to camp.
What a night! And what a great send off for my husband… See you in a week!
Now, I know how important it is to have Jeff know that I support him even when its hard. Last night was hard. And I obviously didn’t do a very good job showing him that I loved and supported him. Please do not send me advice and scripture about how God tells us not to let the sun set on our anger…. I know that too. I feel awful.
Not a pretty picture and nothing is tied up in a bow. Jeff is at camp and we really won’t be able to resolve anything til he gets back. Such a bummer!
There is a real picture of someone in the “business” for 14 years and still doesn’t have it all together!
I really do super love my husband and love that he gets to pour into the lives of students! I am glad that he gets to go to camp because I know he loves this part of his job the most.
I know we will make it through this week and I know we will resolve everything…
Forgiveness and grace are great.
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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Oh, Amanda! I feel your pain. With a baby screaming all the time it’s amazing the words that come out of our mouths. My son is now a year but I distinctly remember telling my husband I hated his guts and making noises loud enough for him to hear in the monitor (which he never heard over his snores!). You’re right…forgiveness and grace are great. You’re a strong woman for keeping 3 kids this week. I pray it goes smoothly and you all survive! (It’s all about survival sometimes.)
Many a time, ah – many a time. Amanda, your blog is the stuff of life that is rarely laid bare for all to see. Thanks from all of us, lest you ever think that your writing does not serve a greater purpose. The scene you described – oooohhhhweeee!!! Can definitely relate to those moments unfortunately. My husband and I are not in youth ministry, as you know, but still job, kids, family members and other life demands suck the life and patience out of us just the same.
Ditto on how great forgiveness and grace is! It’s sometimes the only thing that keeps me pressing on toward another day in “paradise”. And, thank God for even those U-G-L-Y moments in life because some of my greatest laughs have come when I think back to those times I’d rather forget. Here’s one exchange that happened between me and my husband a while back… we were staying at a hotel and I got up really early to go watch the TV in the lobby. While there, the 1 lb. bag of jordan almonds that I had eaten the day before finally caught up to me and I sprinted back to the room. The door I had left slightly ajar was now closed shut and LOCKED. Oh no!! I knocked and called out to my husband. No reply. Continued the intensity of trying to get my husband to open the door as my body was letting me know how urgent the matter was becoming. The knocks and call-outs turned to pounding, and yelling and still no response. Screaming and begging from me, not to mention weird looks from passerbys. Ah oh… 5 minutes went by and my body let me down… diarrhea down my legs in the middle of a hotel hallway. I cried. I screamed. Finally after severe embarrasment and 10 minutes later, my husband groggily comes to the door, opens it, frowns at me and jumps back in bed. He says, he had noticed the door open, decided to lock it, turned up the radio loud to drown out any noise and put a pillow over his head to make the room darker. I let out a gutteral, evil roar that said, “I don’t like you, I don’t love you, I’m never having sex with you again, I can’t look at you, and, and, and, I don’t even want to KNOW YOU!!!!” Then, I went into the bathroom and refused to come out for a few hours. Neither of us could speak about the incident for a couple of years, but nowadays, we laugh our heads off about it. Ah, life. The good, the bad, and the ugly (I mean funny). Love ya.
I’m SO sorry for your situation
That’s a really tough way to start an even tougher week for you. Mine was gone last week so the single mom feelings are still fresh. Lack of sleep takes me to a dark and scary place too (even if the object of our wrath is deserving 
.
Seriously the vast majority of the times I’ve “sinned in my anger” in my adult life has been due to not getting sleep, it tweaks with my brain, makes me a completely different person! So while you are owning up to your own sinful nature forgive yourself as well and remember the intense circumstances you’re in. I think every youth pastor’s wife that has kids and is being honest can sympathize.
On a side note, and only if you’re interested something that really helped me find my sanity in the midst of crazy no sleep when the middle kid was a baby, Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child (book.) I get that this may not be where you are at all because having a teething baby is rough no matter what you do, but just in case it hits a cord . . .
None of us has it all together, thank you for having the courage to be honest and raw with us yp’s wives and I hope you can get a little time for yourself this week.
Sleep deprivation does strange things to even the most loving, congenial person. Been there. Done that. Bought the t-shirt & coffee mug. Could write the how-to for dummies manual. I will be praying sleepy thoughts your baby’s way tonight when it’s time for bed. God bless you for your honest, open heart.
YAHOO AMANDA!! THANK YOU for being REAL!! hmmm…maybe it’s it’s just nice to know that us YP wives are real people. Ok, maybe it’s nice for ME to know that someone who has my shoes on has weak moments too!! You get a standing “O” from this veteran YP wife!!
And really, I think the night before camp is always like this in my house. Go easy on yourself and get prepared to shower lots of love when he gets back.
Ditto. Except sometimes my lack-of-sleep-because-of-the-baby rants end with a “why can’t you just get a REAL job?!” By real job, I usually mean a regular 9-5, weekends off, no summer camp commitments required kid of job.
It’s awful, I know. How completely unsupportive and ungrateful. Sometimes our human-ness rears it’s ugly head at the most horrible of times. Know you’re not alone in this. Thanks for being honest.
Oh Amanda, I hear you. It will get better. I feel the devil loves to attack in these time when great things are about to happen at camp. You are not alone at all. You know we don’t have crying baby and we still have these moments. I can only imagin how much worse it could be. Standing “O” to all you moms who are yp wives.
We just went to camp about three weeks ago. I even got to go and see how great camp is and how important it is. We had four salvations and he baptized four at camp. These were first things for him and just what we were praying for. I should have been rejoicing with him. Instead the night we got back I got so mad at him. It had been building and with lack of sleep it came out like a nasty flood. I ended up telling him I wanted a ” devorice” yeah the word we sword never to speak of. It was bad. I was not supportive and we had problems for days because of this statment. Talk about a camp downer. I felt so guilty. Thanks God for grace and we finally saw it for an attack and prayed past it. I have also played the ” why don’t you get a real job” card before.
Thanks so much for all of you being so real. It is sooooo nice to know we are not alone and not perfect. This too shall pass. We ended our fight with I would rather do ministery everyday then fight and not have him at all. God has plans for everything and grows ups in these weak moments.
I will be praying for strength for you both this week and strength in your marrage. May God Bless you all for what you do and the sacrifices you make Amen
I am so glad to hear all of you say this. it’s so nice to know that I am not alone in experiencing these emotions. I feel like I need to be the strong supportive wife for my husband and I feel so guilty when I have my weak moments or my moments of anger. This has been a tough summer on me. I have never had my husband gone for so long on trips back to back. Right now he is in Romania with the youth group on a missions trip serving in an orphanage and abandoned baby hospital (I know and incridable trip!)But I am home taking care of our toddler and newborn baby. It’s gone pretty smooth overall and I love my kids but there are moments (usually when both kids are crying)that I feel so angry at the fact that I am doing it alone. then I feel so guilty at the fact that I am making this hard on my husband and he is doing something for God’s kingdom. Who wants to see his wife crying on skype saying stuff like “I can’t do this anymore”? Anyway, I am glad to see that nobody is the perfect YP wife- thank you for being so honest! I will be praying for you this week Amanda!
Thank you for being REAL! It’s NOT all sunshine and roses. Being in full-time ministry can totally suck sometimes because not only are we stressed with all the normal things but we’re stressed with all the activities and people of The Church. Double Whamy!
Thanks again, Amanda, for being real and telling it like it is.
My husband left for camp after church today…but guess who didn’t get to go to church because her husband didn’t get his act together and pack.
I also didn’t nag him about packing this week. So, does this prove nagging works?
Wow, Amanda, and all the rest of you, you have no idea how this blog keeps me sane!! Some days I truly am convinced there must be something wrong with me that I have those feelings, or that I’m not a more supportive, got-it-all-together YP wife, not to mention a perfect mother, like we all should be right?? Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your experiences, and may it be the catalyst to a deeper bond between you and your hubby somehow, some way. IN the meantime, eat lots of chocolate, give your kid some Tylenol for the teething pain, buy yourself some ear plugs, and try to indulge in life’s small pleasures.
Strength and peace to you!
Oh! It is so hard to be so tired! I totally remember those days (and unforuntately my mom says they never totally stop). We are pregnant again, and I am just bracing myself for the tension that comes with two sleep deprived people. I hope that someone can help support you this week so you can get a little break.
Thank you for reminding me that life is a journey. And even though I still consider myself new in ministry that I am not the only wife that will have her weak moments. Last week we took the youth away to a week long convention. I was able to attend since this year it was not far from where we lived, and a commute back and forth to work was possible, BIG mistake. Rules were in rooms by midnight, lights off by 1. My husbands room kept to that, cause he wanted/needed the sleep. However my room and the other rooms, just couldn’t seem to clothes their eyes by one. needless to say I had 3 to 4 hours every night that week, then went to work. The last night I finally called my husband at 3 am to wake him up and tell him to go deal with the youth. He said okay, hung up, and rolled over and went back to sleep. I was livid, and when we got back home, he wanted to snuggle, and my only response was back off, you are well rested, since your wife dealt with the youth and went to work while you slept. Now my 8 to 5 job doesn’t require as much as what he had to deal with during the day but still. I still feel a little guilty but at the same time not. Just seems like he doesn’t get what is the problem. And we are trying to have a baby now, and by the sounds of it, there is alot more work ahead. It is refreshing to know, that I am not the only one. So many times it looks like everyone has it all together and here I am trying to keep it all together. Thank you.
real life in the trenches.
I count it a miracle if my husband and I don’t fight the night before camp. We are both so stressed anticipating the week ahead of us.
Whew. This might be the week to try and find a sitter for the day after camp. Someone who will watch the kids away from your house. Hubby sleeps, you get some time by yourself (or with an infant, some much needed sleep), and then dinner all together.
Thank you for sharing with us. As YP wives we can’t exactly share about this at church. This is so real. The two rays of hope are: 1)your confidence in God and 2)14 years!!!
Thanks for sharing. I can’t really say that enough.
Thank you so much for being real Amanda! I had to almost laugh at this post, not because it was funny but because it is so similar to what I have experienced so many times with my husband thing night before he leaves for a week or so. I find myself anticipating to so much the week ahead and the stress of being a single mom, that I often times say things I don’t really mean. We all do!
I will be specifically praying for you this week..that you will have a great week with your kids and that God will bless you in some special ways this week. We can all relate to the weeks alone! You can do it!! You are loved!
And remember…this is only a season, school starts in a few short weeks…wahhhoooo!!!
Dude- Come next month I am SURE that I (am I suppose to say “we”, as in Kevin and I??) be in the “same” boat. Except we will have ONE kid, not three. As we say here in the south my favorite friend…..”Bless your heart!”….Love and Miss Ya- XOXO
From someone who has been there and also been in ministry a long time, Know that this is a season and it will pass. We have four boys about 2 years apart. It felt like we would never get past the preschool years, but we have and full nights of sleep are fabulous. None of us, husbands included do well with the short snippets of sleep we get with babies.
I pray that God will give you and your man peace this week. Hang in there, lady. I know from experience how tough it can be. You will make it, though!
It is tough to move from being actively serving along side your man to being home with a house full of kids with your heart torn between the two. This too is only for a season.
Thanks for being real!
Hi, wow this website is a gem! Can I just take a moment to introduce myself? I’m Maria, I’m 28 and I have three children. I also work full-time. I live in England and my husband has been the church YP for the past two years thereabouts. It was something of a shock to me when he got involved in youth ministry to be honest…I never saw myself as a pastor’s wife (of any description)! I always felt that it would be too much pressure on the family and on my hubby and to be honest, I sometimes feel like I was right! Don’t get me wrong – I am so proud of my hubby, he has really invested so much into the lives of the youth, God’s really doing stuff in their lives and they’re really blossoming, and he is just such an example to me. But sometimes I do wish that it was just me, him, and our kids, know what I mean? But the great thing is, now I finally can see that this is normal! I always thought I was ungrateful and unspiritual, because pastor’s wives always look so serene and supportive of everything their husbands do. I don’t know if I will ever get out there and serve full-time with my hubby – I feel called to do something else, and sometimes I don’t know whether I should try a little harder, but my kids are all very young and I feel like it’s hard enough working full time to then try and drag them all over the place on the weekends too! I am just babbling on, but I’m just so blessed to have found some women that I can identify with! There’s nobody I can talk to over here, and I don’t know if I would even if there was. Anyway, thanks so much for…well, for being normal! Yeay! This is what being sisters in the Lord is all about. May God richly bless you with joy, strength and peace! And grace for each day!
It’s hard not to laugh when I read your story, Amanda, because I have many stories so similar… If nothing else can encourage you I pray it encourages you as you read all the posts of these other Christian women on the same journey who you ministered to in your honesty… and who can honestly say back to you… we’re all in this together.
i just SO appreciate your realness…..i have had similar situations. This is the beauty of life—well, the beauty of the wholre forgiveness thing where Jesus comes into the pic. Being the pw is not that picture perfect stereotype for anyone. this is so real i feel so encouraged. thank you!