I went to a High School weekend service the other day. I had such a flood of mixed emotions that I didn’t expect. I was really excited to be there with no kids, I was also terrified to be there because I don’t have many relationships with students right now, I don’t know very many volunteers either. I saw so many things I wanted to change and be a part of the change. I wanted to jump right in where I left off 6 years ago, and I know I can’t. When I stepped back to have my own family I really thought by now I would be back in full-force. I can’t imagine leading a small group of girls right now. Just the time alone, and then there are hormones and relationships (boys and girls), and the talking and the talking and the talking! When I was sitting there, just watching it all flash before me I realized….. I’m not ready!

And I couldn’t help but panic a little bit thinking I have been out of the game for so long I am so out of touch! And will I EVER be back in the game?? Do I want to be?? What does that mean for me in ministry??  I know that’s a lot to freak out about and I don’t need to solve it it one day, but it’s just different than what I had imagined for myself and my family in youth ministry.

I know my ministry right now is serving my family and my husband in many other different ways and I am happy to do it. But I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in a holding pattern waiting for what use-to-be to start up again. Maybe what I am realizing is that what use-to-be isn’t going to happen, but something new is going to happen.

I don’t know… but I do know I can’t be alone in this “holding pattern”. Anyone feel stuck in a “holding pattern”? In ministry? In life?

When Jeff leaves for camp or a conference and I stay home with three kids, and glad to be able to do it really. But I can’t help but feel a little jealous that he’s going to sleep through the night, not have to change a diaper, or deal with nap times, tantrums and bottles for a few days.
(Not to mention the weeks where the stomach flu has visited, or lice, or concussions, stitches, and a few hospital visits while he is gone).
When he comes home tired he has to fake it. No way do I want to welcome him home with a nap or a special rest time. “Back to the real world Buddy!”

Although I know that we all benefit when I do welcome him home to rest and relax . Because then, after his rest I get to rest (for a bit). Now, I realize his job isn’t the equivalent to taking a mini vacation. Trust me, I understand and have been to camp with High School students (and that’s why I don’t go anymore). It’s stressful and those crazies don’t like to fall asleep til 3am! He works hard and I work hard as well when he is away. It is a shame that there is no rest for the camper, me or him. We work hard to come home to work hard. And even the rare occasions when I say, “Take a load off, go take a 5 hour nap and be alone for awhile.” The kids seem to never let that happen! “Daddy play with me!” “Daddy watch me!” “Daddy look what I learned.” “Daddy, look what Mommy let me do, that you said no to…”  Life doesn’t stop when your worn out. No rest for the camper……Oh someday. I’m looking forward to that “someday” nap.

Quiet time is really hard. It’s hard to find and hard for me to sit still. I actually hate it. And I hate the phrase “quiet time”, when referring to time with God.
I am learning that my strong distaste to “quiet time” comes straight from fear. What is God going to say? What am I going to have to do? What do I have to hear? What am I going to feel? What am I going to do with those feelings? Am I actually going to do what I think He says, or just feel guilty about not doing it?… I’d rather not have to deal with any of that, right?
Does god want my “quiet time”? Or a peaceful moment? Is there a difference? In this time of desiring to hear God’s voice I need to find a peaceful moment (I think). Because lately, if I’m not avoiding quiet time, I fall asleep when its quiet.

It’s here again! The Group Conference is the end of February and I need to start preparing. I love all your feedback and ideas about issues and topics that need to be discussed in the Married to a Youth Pastor Break Out.
For those of you that went last year its going to be a bit different. Instead of an all day affair with Cathy Fields and I, it is going to be broken up by topic, so you can go to the part that hits a nerve with you (or all of it if you want).
So now this is where I’d love to hear from you.

If you were going to go to a “Break-Out” session what would you want to hear/talk about?

I would also love to see you there!

My picture perfect family going to church each Sunday together, my kids coloring Jesus pictures, singing songs, and telling of the wonderful Bible story they learned as they apply it daily in their little lives…its not happening friends! For one, my husband and I can never go to church together (that’s a lie, we go twice a year together). And second, all three of my kids are in a phase of hating church. What do you do? It is so exhausting to spend 2 hours getting ready and out the door and spend another 40 minutes or so checking them all into their appropriate classes each one screaming or whimpering not to go, to then make it into the worship center to be paged out of church to go pick them all up again before hearing one word of the message. This has been my life for the past 2 years. Maybe some of you can relate?? (I do realize not all of you have kids).

So, as I said before for many reasons including this one, I stopped going to church. But now I am desperate to go to church and hear God’s Word. My amazing solution: get a babysitter! I tell you, it has been incredible. My lifesavor, Kayla comes to my house Saturday nights at 4pm, I head out the door alone, go to church, get myself a cup of coffee and sit to worship and hear my pastor’s entire message. Then a few times I have been so lucky to have my husband meet me after the service when he is done teaching and we have dinner together. Last Saturday this happened and I was so excited I cried at dinner! Church AND a date night all in one…it’s a Christmas miracle!

I know this is not the typical “church family” scenario one would hope for. I really do want my kids to go to church and love it. One thing about being a pastor’s kid, they are always at church. I think its okay to not like it. But I don’t want them to hate it. They have a lifetime of “church” ahead of them, I’m pretty sure they will be alright. So for this season in life,  I go to church, it’s great! I love church again. And I do come home talking about what I learned in church and apply it to my daily life with my kids.

I’m just so curious about other moms out there with kids who might be in this same spot. What do you do or what have you done? I just never dreamed that the actual task of getting to and going to church would be close to impossible. I know it won’t always be like this, but I’m sure it will be something else when they get older.

Come to find, I am not just too busy. I stay too busy. I have found that I tend to use all of the church events, youth events, and even wonderful people surrounding me as a way from being intimate with God. I am too tired, and there really is no time to sit quietly and think a thought in my head with all the things I do, let alone think about what God might want me to do. There is no time because I make it that way. I fill up my time with all of these “fun” and “great” things. No one would look at any of the things and say they were bad things to be involved with. And not that that is even the point. At least for me, I am not looking for other people to validate all the things I do. I am looking for a way to stay away from God.

The few times  I went to church I would cry the entire time, just because I liked it so much and it felt great. Strange to say but I stopped going to church services. All of these things (including my own family) had me feeling so overwhelmed and emotionally drained it was too much to feel God as well.  I would plan other things during the time I could actually attend the service or make my kids an excuse (sort of) of why I couldn’t go. And again, I wasn’t having to explain myself to anyone. No one really ever asked. (Everyone just assumes a pastor’s wife goes to church). I was just really good at convincing myself this is what I needed during this season of my life, it was too much to emotionally connect with God.

So you can now imagine why I keep saying in previous posts, “God is rewiring me”. After all these years of serving and being married to a youth pastor its amazing what I still get wrong. I don’t have a “wrap it up in a bow” ending to this. It’s still pretty fresh and I’m understanding the backward-ness of my thinking. I am learning I can clear my calendar of events, draw stricter ministry boundaries and become way more intentional with the people I do spend time with so that I have time. Time for God and time for my family and time for me. It’s a work in progress.