Anyone have a husband in Youth Ministry and you don’t wanna be?
And by that I? mean that you don’t want to serve and be a part of the Youth Ministry, really at all. Maybe because of kids, or a job, or serving in a different ministry, or simply because you just don’t want to. I feel like I am hearing more and more stories of wives serving right along side their husbands, but don’t want to. And as a wife still want to support and love that this is what their husbands are called to do. It has to be hard to know what to do with those feelings. I would love to give some encouragement to those women.
Being married to a Youth Pastor, or anyone in the church for that matter is truly a unique calling. When a wife is married to a Doctor no one expects her to scrub up next to him and help preform surgery, or a lawyer…you’re not expected to show up and defend a client. This “job” our husbands have comes with many hidden expectations of us as the wife.
I would love to hear your story, your voice about how youth ministry works for you and your spouse.
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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A month ago I would’ve written how I loved serving alongside my husband… how my heart is drawn towards the students & the “high” I feel when really connecting with one of the teen girls. … Fast forward to today and my heart has been stomped on one more time. Hubby got blindsided and fired from his position. This will be the third church we’ve left (the first one was our choice/moved to new church, second was incompatibility w/ the SP/dh resigned, and this one was money reasons “plus”/we were shocked and hurt). I am ready for a break from ministry. I’m not sure I can put my heart out there one more time… ultimately, I do believe that I have been called to serve alongside my hubby. God has given me a love for teens. That’s why losing the position suddenly hurt so much. We were suddenly yanked out, told he was done, with no warning to us or the students. Our heart hurt for us… and for them. I know that one day God will move us on to another church, after helping us heal through this. The draw is too large for both him and me. However, ’til then, I’m gonna be a little “gun shy.” For now, we need to find a new church in the area and allow our hearts to heal and to serve elsewhere, as just a lay person.
But, back to your ultimate question… we just had a baby in November (our second), so I was having to step back out of some of the activities. I still was committed to the regular weekly activities (& led a girls smallgroup) but passed on many of the extra “fun” activities built in each month. I guess, to me, that was a balance between the higher priority of my personal family and a lower priority of church family.
I ditto. Once you have a baby, it changes everything. I didn’t understand previously just how much time (and willingness) it would eat out of my volunteer capacity. Most youth events happen after 7pm and that’s right around baby’s bedtime. I can’t sacrifice my child’s sleep needs so we can attend one more function. And it’s good for the kids to see that priority in my life.
However, since we’ve had the baby and I’ve stepped back a lot from volunteering, there have been a few sets of parents who have approached my husband upset, saying they wanted me to be involved more, even going above our heads to the eldership to complain. It’s ridiculous the expectations that are unspoken but heavily weighed for the minister’s wife. When we ask those same parents to volunteer in a larger capacity, they kind of apologize and say they are just too swamped with family and work to pitch in that much. EXACTLY! I have a baby that I’m taking care of by myself in the evenings and for weeks at a time during the summer because of our ministry position. I don’t have extra time to give either! So, in that regard, when it comes to choosing youth ministry or my family, I don’t want to help with youth ministry. But there is still a pull on my heart to love on these teens and help lead them closer to Christ in whatever way God has asked me to. But I remember for the longest time when we first married thinking that God had called my husband to ministry, and he had called me to love my husband. I didn’t feel called at all to teen ministry. It took a lot of just “fake it till you make it” and God being merciful to me before my heart was in it. This ministry thing is tough.
I go back and forth on this at least once every month it seems. Right now I serve alongside my husband, even though we have four kids under four. We are blessed enough to have an older lady from church watch them at the church so I can be involved in youth group. Still, it makes for a very late night for everyone and Thursday mornings are awful. When the youth group has trips, we have to ask our parents to watch the kids and they have to make a 3 hour trip or vice versa in order for me to go. I’m thankful our parents are so willing, but it makes getting away with my husband on our own that much more difficult because we’ve asked our parents to have the kids so much. When I think of not being a part of the youth group, I feel like I don’t know what I would do. Not in the sense of feeling like the ministry is such a huge part of my life, but that it’s part of my husband’s – and I like that it’s something we do together. I want to share that with him, not let our other leaders have that with him and all I have to offer is our crazy life at home. We enjoy serving together and I don’t want to lose that. I also don’t want to become “just” a mom – where the only thing I have in life is our kids. My friendships come from the other leaders in youth group, not really other women in the church, so where would I be then? It’s nice to know I’ll get to see them and connect at least twice a week. I do feel like God has given me a heart for the teens in our ministry, but I don’t always feel like I’m as effective as I used to be now that I’m older and all of my energies are focused on four little kids all day. I feel like I struggle more connecting with them as opposed to our college-age leaders or older leaders with older kids who aren’t as tied down. I guess I haven’t had clear leading on what my role is in a long time. All of this to echo what Sarah said – this ministry thing is tough. Amanda, I’ve been wondering since you posted about visiting the youth again and realizing you weren’t ready – what was it like stepping out? Did you struggle with feeling disconnected in any way? I’m also wondering if this looks different in a large church like yours compared to a smaller church like mine. I guess I won’t ever know and will just keep looking for God’s hand in all of it. Thanks for your brutal honesty! It helps this youth pastor’s wife get through.
Well I guess I am in a very different position then most of you. I don’t serve in the youth group and we also don’t have children. It’s a tough situation for me. I play a professional sport and have practice then evenings of youth group for about half of the year, and it also normally conflicts with most youth events that my husband plans. But when my schedule does not conflict honestly I don’t want to be with the youth group, I just want to be at home or doing something fun with my husband. I feel really bad about not having a desire to be involved with the youth group, like it seems a lot of you have. It’s not because I don’t support my husband, because I love him so much and know that he is doing what the Lord has called him to do. I just don’t feel called to work with teen girls, I love kids, I am a elementary teacher, but teenage girls I just cannot seem to relate to most of the time. I really feel awful but I did not go through a lot of the things the girls struggle with I was so concentrated on sports and doing well in school so I could play sports that I didn’t have time for anything else.
Well you all probably think I am an awful person but I am just being honest.
Tiffany,
NOT AWFUL!! Honest, yes. Brave, yes! Supportive, yes! Loving, yes!! Please know you are not alone in not wanting to serve HS students! I hope that you are serving at a church where you feel supported and not guilty for the choice you and your husband make in what works for you guys. Rejoice if you are, it sounds hard to come by
Amanda
Kudos Amanda!!! I shared my 2 cents on your “holding pattern” post on this. As wives, we can fully be “in it” for our husbands without being physically with him in his YP duties. My heart is for this discussion! In my 16 years of walking next to my YP hubby and finding my own road, this is one topic of conversation that is not prevalent. We have to encourage each other to find some freedom if in fact that is where the YM wife is being led. Kudos Amanda!!
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(side note-looking forward to seeing you at SYMC in a few weeks.
I wanted to respond to Mrs. H…..speaking from experience, just hang on because God has something better waiting for you. My husband and I just went through that same firing process and getting stabbed in the back by people we thought were friends only a year and a half ago. It has taken me this long to get over the anger and bitterness I had. I will certainly lift you up during my prayer time my sister. God is in control and has an amazing plan for your life. Just get ready to be blessed!!!!!
When I read your posting Amanda, I actually gasped. Just yesterday I decided to be fully honest with myself. Honest that I do not like being a youth pastor’s wife. I love the teenagers. I love working with them. I struggle with the politics. I struggle with watching people be rude to my husband. I struggle with the fact that I can no longer trust “church” people. I talked with my husband about this yesterday. He’s the most understanding and supportive husband. He mentioned to me about posting my struggle on this blog. I just have reached my limit with never doing enough and never being enough in the eyes of others. While I think most people have good intentions, we know that it can take only one person. I FULLY realize that God is in control. But I can’t help but wonder if something is wrong with how the church treats their leaders.
In my conversation with my husband yesterday, I made a statement about how no one would ever ask my sister-in-law to scrub in at the hospital beside my brother (he’s a doctor). As you can imagine, reading today’s blog was unbelievable. It’s so wonderful to have others who completely understand.
I guess my struggle is the feeling that after two other painful church experiences (one ending in forced resignation in order to appease a wealthy tithe-giver), I wonder how I can let my guard down. There are red flags that I struggle with. Don’t get me wrong, I want to remain in ministry. I just don’t want to be controlled by other people. I am tired of not feeling “safe”. I am tired of people watching and waiting for us to make a mistake. We just want to serve God and reach the youth. I am now wondering if that is accomplished best in a volunteer position. We can’t walk away from this generation of kids. But I just don’t think that THIS is how Jesus intended it.
oh, oh, me, me! LOL I have served for MANY years along side, and now I’m not feeling it, as a ministry, or for my family. It’s just healthier for us this way now. A lot of it is child care. Who’s gonna watch our kids while we’re BOTH serving at the same time. It just doesn’t work to bring them to everything when there are 3 of them and they’re little. And if I help on Sunday mornings, my kids have such a hard time staying in childcare at church for 3 serves. 3 sets of works, 3 sets of kids, 3 set of curriculum, no food, it just doesn’t work.
We’re all happy this way, and I’m a great support (I hope) by listening, bouncing ideas, praying, encouraging, going to church wide events and staff and spouse stuff with him. And trying to have the house feel sane, and calm when he gets home from a day of grueling ministry is worth it’s weight in gold.
I was involved in my husband’s ministry heavily for about 4 years and really wanted to be then. Then, we had our first child, and I became less involved, although I was really sad about that and really wanted to be involved.
I started working as a high school teacher two years ago. We switched to a new church a little over a year ago. My husband is now just an assistant and not the youth pastor, but he is very involved in the ministry. However, I now have no desire to be involved, and I am not. I am very happy about just being a teacher. My job is my ministry, and my family is my ministry. I really don’t need another one.
I do not serve directly in youth ministry with my husband. However, I do feel that I was called to be his helpmate and support his ministry indirectly. First, when we got married, my husband did not know what he was called to do “when he grew up” so I did not even fathom that one day I would be a pastor’s wife! I am not called to work with youth – my husband is (and does a fabulous job!!!). Quite frankly, teenagers scare me. I was called to be a nurse when I was just five and work outside the home part-time. My ability to work outside the home also allows me to supplement my husband’s income so that we can afford for him to submit to his calling as a youth pastor. Second, we have 4 young children. In order for my husband to serve in ministry, I manage things on the homefront.
However, we have our own situation to deal with at our church. Our senior has approached my husband (not me) 3 times over the past year and informed him that I am a failure as a pastor’s wife (he holds very traditional views and is not willing to sway in his opinions). This caused us to do a very indepth literature search on the roles/expectations of a pastor’s wife. Unfortunately most of what we found was related to that of a senior pastor’s wife (maybe it is time to write a book about the uniqueness of the youth pastor’s wife!). What we did find was consistent – the pastor’s wife is no different than any other wife in the church and should be released to do what God has called her to do. No longer is the wife part of a 2 for one deal! When we candidated at our present church we made it very clear what my calling was and that I may have to work some Sundays. The congregation and the former senior pastor were very supportive. The pastor’s wife should also serve in the church in a role that coincides with her spiritual gifts. I run the church nursery. Lately, my professional role as a public health nurse and my role as director of the church nursery are becoming one. My mom’s are now approaching me for information regarding the health of their children. This, inturn, is allowing me to develop more intimate relationships with my mom’s and their kiddies! God us good!
Being a youth pastor’s wife is not easy. I hate that my husband is gone so many evenings. I hate the unfair expectations that some place on us. I hate that people find it so easy to be critical, yet have never walked in our steps. I hate the unbalance that sometimes (o.k often) permeates our lives. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning with all the hats I either choose to wear or am forced to wear. However, God chose my husband and for some reason thinks I am able to handle the role of the youth pastor’s wife. Even though change is likely around the corner for us, I am honoured to be my husband’s wife – a youth pastor’s wife!
Lisa,
I feel the same as you! I am currently in nursing school and a big benefit of this career is that I can support the family while my husband works with the youth.
I am so glad that this was posted. I have felt like I was the only person who didn’t work physically side by side with the youth. I am not a people person and I hide in a shell in group situations. I have always felt that I am a behind the scenes person. I emotionally support my husband and I do help him with events and prepwork. (I like set up and being in the kitchen away from the craziness.)
I have always felt guilty because I am not like all the other youth pastor wives I know. You guys have now made me feel better
Though my husband recently left the youth ministry after 20 years to pursue a career in music, I can relate to every post here.
I did work outside the home before the kids came along when my husband first entered the ministry and always had conflicting feelings about not being the “right kind of pastors wife”. Thankfully I had a supportive husband and some wise counsel from another pastor’s wife. You can’t love something your not called to do. And worse yet, is doing it because you have been “guilted” into it.
I don’t think it should be a given that, as the youth pator’s wife, you will participate in every aspect of youth ministry, if you are called to do it at all.
It is also important that your own family isn’t neglected as a result of stuff happening at church. I could never understand how neglecting my own family would make me a better youth leader. All our kid’s school stuff, band concerts, etc… go on the calendar first. Church will survive a few week nights a year without us.
I love Jesus and I WANT to serve him and I want the opportunity to do so in the way he has called me to youth ministry or not.
I relate with many of you when you say that kids change everything. I felt like I was called into ministry with my husband when we first got married. I actually volunteered in youth ministry and worship stuff before I got married. I loved it! BUT when we had kids it was just imposssible I tried to do both but it just got really hard (esp since I had my own part time job as well) I felt like I was sacrificing my kids sleep, using my mom too much, etc. etc. So I had to step back and I was sad about it at first. But now I am perfectly happy in my role as a mother and wife. AND I still work part time doing somethng I am really passionate about and talented in (as well as what I got my Bachelors in haha). It helps supplement income for our family since the church we work for is in a very affluent community.
I feel like my ministry (besides family ofcourse) is just to love on the people that God brings to me on a daily basis. Sometimes its a student (I still have great relationships with our youth and see them on sundays)and sometimes its young moms or friends or just someone random. I am also very lucky that God has brought many volunteers and staff into our student ministry so I don’t have to feel “guilty” for my hubby doing it all alone. I think that has been a huge blessing from God. And although our church has many many other issues that we have been dealing with (please pray about that for us its been a cople of heavy months but God has been AMAZING to our family through it all) but I have to say that I don’t think I ever have felt “forced” to do youth ministry.
I have been serving alongside my husband in YM for 5 years now. We don’t have any children yet, so I am extremely involved with the ministry…teaching senior high girls sunday school, attending camps, Wed. night worship, etc. However, I’ll have to admit it is exhausting, especially being at church every time the doors are open, and sadly, to me, I almost feel at times as if church has become a chore/job instead of being a time of worship for myself. At times I envy those that just come on Sunday mornings with their families…But then, I’m reminded at what a blessing YM has been for us, and how truly I wouldn’t trade it for anything!! I really can’t imagine our lives any differently!!
And for those that feel so out of touch with youth, and that it just isn’t your gift to serve in the youth ministry…don’t be so hard on yourself!!! Loving your husband and supporting what God has called him to is what he needs best!! And something simple to aid in the girl’s ministry…send little notes, make goodie bags (candy, lotion, make-up, etc.)…girls aren’t looking for someone to be their “best friend” in the YM wife…they are looking to be loved, accepted, and to know that someone cares about them and is glad to see them!!!
Thank you so much for this blog!! It is very encouraging! Thank you all for sharing your heart!!
This is something that I’ve really been struggling with. My husband and I both realized from the beginning that I was not called to youth ministry. I do currently volunteer, sometimes because I enjoy it and sometimes because I feel like my husband needs me. My husband understands that it’s not my calling, but I know he wishes that I was more involved and passionate about it. I feel like a lot of me is really just burned out and tired right now with “church” and ministry. We have been in a really busy season of life where my husband is out doing ministry about 5 our of the 7 nights a week. We both realize that it’s not healthy, but kind of feel “stuck” as what to do about it. This leaves me with most of the responsibilities of taking care of all the household stuff plus I work full time. Our church has gone from 4 pastors soon to be 2 pastors within this past year leaving my husband and the senior pastor. And to top it off we are expecting out first child in just a couple of months. I’m scared to death that I am going to be parenting alone because of all the added responsibilities he will have to take on once the other pastor leaves.
My husband has also been struggling with a lot of issues in regards to the church and whether or not we are where God wants us for a while now, so I’ve seen him very discouraged a lot of the time and I’m tired of it. There are days I think, “Can’t he just have a normal job!” but I know that God has called him to ministry and that he is very passionate about it. I just question whether or not this ministry is where God has called him and I often wonder if I would be more passionate about serving along side him if we were in a more healthy place in life.
It is so comforting knowing that I’m not alone in this. At times I feel like a bad person for my thoughts and feelings. I really don’t like the negative attitude I’ve developed recently and I do know I need to work on that. I really want to be the supportive wife that my husbands needs. I just need to figure out what exactly that looks like for us and know that it’s okay if its not being there by his side at all times. Thanks everyone for sharing!
I feel like I should respond again. I posted my struggle above…and while I feel the same way…I have had a change of attitude. Last night, my husband came home late and shared that he just feels like crawling into a hole somewhere. This week HE also has felt just so frustrated and burned out with “church” people. That said, we spent some time talking. Suddenly, mid-conversation, I realized that my venting didn’t help. In fact, it just fed into our frustrations and desire to run away. I do get so frustrated and I hurt for my husband, but clearly this is where God has us at this moment. I can’t change that. Knowing that, I decided to start praising God for our situation. Yep…that means praising God for all the pain and all the criticism. As soon as I did that, my heart started filling up with hope for the future. Don’t get me wrong…I am not perfect. Even if it means praising God out loud through clinched teeth…go for it!! For example, “God, I praise you for this struggle we are going through…because I know that it’s all a part of growing us into the people you want us to be.”
I think we all have a lot in common. We love our husbands and we love the Lord. I think we need to continue to be honest…and at the same time, praise God for all the struggles we do have. I think that through the process of praising God (for the good AND the bad) that we will be strengthened. It’s okay to be upset. I mean…Jesus was pretty mad when he entered the temple and saw people selling stuff. He was upset with what the church had become! For good reason!!
I still might want to say “no”, when someone asks me if I am the youth pastor’s wife (hehe) and I still will wonder why people approach ME on Sundays with questions about the offering or something about some curriculum… BUT I can also praise God for all of that too! Maybe laugh some. The point is…we are where we are for a reason. There are a lot of things we can’t control….but there is one thing we can. Our attitude. I am going to work on having an attitude of gratitude.
Oh…and I truly praise God for you (Amanda)and the rest of the youth pastor’s wives on this blog. Thank you for allowing me to know that I am not alone in my struggles. You are truly a blessing to me.
I have really found this blog and the simply youth ministry pod casts have been a real encouragement. I guess like a support group. I can read and listen and not feel like the only one struggling. So many of the topics hit right at home. Thank you for sharing and being transparent. It is nice to know that I am not crazy or making up these feelings. My husband is an Associate pastor ( he has a fancy title) but basically it means associate and do what ever we feel like it. We live in Canada and this is our first ministry. We have only been married for 1 and 1/2 years so everything is a huge learning curve. We had so many unrealistic expectations. We are not sure this is going to be a long term career but we will see what the Lord has planned for us. I am currently struggling with a topic that I am wondering if you could speak towards or anyone else give comment towards. There is the whole mentality that you are to be a spiritual leader with no problems. Were do the pastors wives and even pastors that matter get to be real about their struggles and have spiritual mentors. Especially if the rest of the church elders and leadership don’t seem to offer that. They seem to intensify the feeling of perfect leaders. My husband and I were recently invited to a different church function for Valentine’s Day on marriage. I was overwhelmed with encouragement that I was able to real about some of our struggles in our marriage. This church is having a class for married couples and I am very tempted to attend just because I could be a participating member rather then the ministers wife ( with the unspoken expectations on properness of how much I share about my struggles). This is not because I am bitter about my church not meeting this need but they just are not at that developement and I have spiritual needs too. So do I have a reason to feel guilty for going to a different church and different denomination for my spiritual encouragement so that I can be a better leader at my church where my husband is a pastor? In Canada Culturally there is a very clear line with what is proper and not proper for a ministers wife to do or share. So I am just curious how you have dealt with this need to have spiritual mentors in your life, to have a bible study where you can be an active member and able to grow with out expectation of your spiritual maturity, and other pastors wives creative ideas to spiritual nuture in and outside their church. Look forward to comments.
For me serving with my husband is mostly a blessing, but there are definitely some days, weeks, and months when I would rather be 100 miles away from everything to do with our church! I think it does help that I feel called to do missions and youth ministry and I have since before we ever got married. Still life in the ministry is hard and it really doesn’t get any easier when you are helping and supporting someone else in their ministry. The best two things I can offer are that be careful of your attitude because serving begrudgingly can kill a ministry, and second don’t give up heart. There are blessings that will come from this. There are better days. “Trust and obey for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus but to Trust and Obey.”
Rachel,
I am not sure exactly how things are different in Canada, but I have started hearing more and more of pastors and spouses attending Saturday night services at other churches. I’ve also heard of the value of plugging into Bible Studies at other churches. That said, my husband and I are seriously considering doing that. It only makes sense that just like everyone else, we also need to be fed and that might not always be at the place we serve. We are also hoping to develop relationships as well.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but we really have no real friendships that aren’t based in ministry. Sometimes (many times) we just really need to take off the “pastor” and “pastor’s wife” hat and just be normal people. Whatever that is.
My husband actually mentioned it to our Sr. Pastor who thought it was a great idea. And hey…if it builds you up spiritually then I can only imagine that it would impact your ministry positively.
I am so thankful for this blog in that it helps me feel like my feelings are “normal”.
Right now I am feeling a little resentful that my husband is in (college) ministry. I get tired of the kids texting him all the time and wanting him to go hang out at night and keeping him out till 1:00 am sometimes.
I have no desire to be involved and really have a hard time even caring about the youth.
We have a 2 yr old so I am home caring for him so it’s never possible for me to go to the meetings.
I might feel a little different and happy about this if the pay was better and we didn’t have to sacrifice so much. I just need a lot of prayer. Our marriage is in trouble. There isn’t much love for each other on either side so we are arguing a lot more lately. I know God doesn’t want us to divorce…and then of course he would lose his job. I feel stuck. It’s just hard!!!!
It is awesome to read this and know that somebody else understands. My husband have been in Youth ministry together for 5 years but he has been here for 8 years and this is my home church. So we are well established and it is amazing.
Our lives have changed in the last 7 months with the addition of our little girl. For me it has just been tough. I try to balance family and these youth kids. At first I was tired, okay I am a mom so that is normal, but it was hard. I know that my husband depends on me and at points I hate that. We don’t quite have enough helpers on events and so I am here for all of them. I wish at points I didn’t have to, but it has helped me. My husband needs me and God has put that in my heart to serve my husband and help him in anyway possible.
I know my time will come when I can step out and do more that isn’t youth minstry related, but right now isn’t my time. I need to be here for my husband doing what God has called me to. My daughter is doing fine and I make sure I am doing the mom thing best I can. God has a plan no matter if I like it or not. I sometimes just need to keep moving forward!
I don’t mind helping my husband in youth ministry… but one thing I DO NOT LIKE is going on trips, retreats, etc and being stuck in a cabin/room full of girls!! I am sooooo uncomfortable around teenage girls!! I can get along with children and teenage guys just fine, but teenage girls SCARE ME!!! I think it’s b/c I had two brothers growing up and like someone commented before, I just didn’t face a lot of girly things these girls talk about.
Anyway, I also recently had a baby and had NO idea how much this would change things. I have had to face the fact that I just can’t do everything alongside my husband as I used to. And unfortunately, we don’t have any family near us. We have a wonderful church full of people to take care of her, but nothing is like dropping off your kid with your mom! One thing I’m happy about though is that I can’t go to youth camp this year due to having a child!!! darn
I have always loved working alongside DH in student ministry, but like so many others, we just had a baby in March (09). Keeping the pace with a baby on the hip… WOW!!!!… KILLER!!!! So yeah, I get glaring looks from parents, like… why aren’t you on the platform singing EVERY 2 SECONDS, and why aren’t you going with my daughter to the movie/mall/game/concert/whatever trip, and the millions of other expectations. But this is my favorite… the look I get like “why does it look like you haven’t brushed your hair or slept in A YEAR!!!” And I’m like, cause I REALLY haven’t people. Clearly, we’re still trying to find the delicate balance!
I can’t help but echo what so many others are posting. It is refreshing to know that I am not alone! I have recently been catching up on my SYM podcasts and caught the name of this site. I have only started reading it and am already encouraged. You learn a lot of things in school on how to “do ministry.” It isn’t until you are in the situations you wonder if you are the only one going through all of the problems. I can’t believe how many comments I have read and think, “That is me!” Within the last 3 years and 2 kids later, my role has definetly changed. But I know this is only for season and I know God will direct me in the way I should go when the kids get older and I can get involved more again.
I want you to know that I will be praying for you. I have been married to a youth pastor for almost twenty years and our marriage has also experienced ups and downs…as all marriages do…even youth pastors – it’s freeing once you realize that! That is normal. Please realize that being a youth pastor’s wife CAN BE very difficult – don’t feel as if you’re the only one who feels that way. Being the sometimes single parent of a two-year-old is very difficult. That is also normal. None of us out here are perfect, but we’re all trying and experiencing life in our own way. My best advice is to speak to your husband about how you are feeling and find a support group of women outside of your church who understand your struggles. We need those friends!
I’m coming in late in the game, stumbling upon this post several months later, but I just had to comment. “Enjoying” being a youth minister’s wife is definitely a struggle. All the questions are what is getting to me lately. I feel like I’m constantly saying (jokingly) to students, parents and others, “You know I’m not the one on staff, right?” It’s an interesting balance. While I don’t want my husband to have to field ALL the questions alone, sometimes it’s hard not to be annoyed when I have my own job and own life, but I’m being asked 25 times “Where are the buses loading for the retreat?”
To use the doctor analogy again – No one would show a doctor’s wife a weird rash and expect a diagnosis, right? So why ask a minister’s wife questions meant for her husband!!
I’m also coming in pretty late with this comment. I just found your blog, and I’m enjoying it. I grew up knowing I would be in the ministry. I married my best friend. Now he’s a youth pastor. Pastor Coop. I follow my husband to every event. I set up for every event. I run the powerpoint while he preaches. I make sure the youth room’s clean every week. I talk to the girls about their family and friend troubles until 11pm. Why is he Pastor Coop, and I’m just Trista?
That’s always bothered me. Why aren’t we Youth Pastors, instead of Youth Pastor and Wife. No I don’t get up and preach every Wednesday, but I keep the calendar, make sure the parents have all the information and remember to do everything except write the sermon. Why don’t I get a title?
Trista, we are in the same boat! I just found this blog too!
Maybe I need to get over myself and realize that I will be behind the scenes…? My husband (he’s orginally from Seattle and me from PA…. we met at a church on an internship in OK in 2004 and now live in MS) has been at the church for 5 years this Sept. We got married last November. And I moved here to MS a year ago (after we dated for 7 months long distance while I was in college in FL) and man, my reception here wasn’t as welcoming as I had hoped! Every time I visited, I was a celebrity… “Oh look, that’s Pastor Troy’s girlfriend!” but the second I moved here, people (adults, parents, students) got upset. Now they can’t have him to themselves anymore. I’ve been here a year and married for 9 months and it’s been so rough. A year later and we are still hearing complaints like… “well, BEFORE you got married you did suchandsuch” and mostly by the younger teenage girls too!
I do the same things as my husband, stay up and talk about family and boy troubles, clean, powerpoint, taught a missions training lesson, tell girls to stop wearing hoochie mama outfits to church, do the finances… yet he gets all the credit
I thought it was my goal to be a youth pastor and to walk alongside my husband in youth ministry… we are doing that so far but it’s rough and sometimes I resent it. Sometimes I just want to be a newlywed and enjoy my husband to myself instead of my husband having 7 missed calls while we are doing our nightly devotions.
Advice? Thoughts?
I just googled my husband is a youth pastor because i was looking for some pw’s talking about how they don’t feel called to the youth ministry anymore…crazy to stumble upon this. At least i know i’m not alone…I wish i knew how to contact some of you. kscott1126@gmail.com I could really use someone that i don’t know at all to talk to! My hubby is 3 years into a 5 year verbal commitment. i want to support him but we have a 5 year old and a baby on the way….am i obligated to go to his youth service on sunday mornings?? i feel like he would be sad if i didn’t but sometimes i just want to go to church without my 5 year old and if i go to his service then i have to go to the 2nd service for adults and I have to bring my son. blahh…just not feeling very compelled for youth ministry right now…i’m frustrated with the teens and it’s just not my thing anymore…