Something happened to me this evening that happens every so often when I meet people for the first time that go to our church… I play soccer each week with a group of “soccer moms”. It is a random bunch of women and it is so much fun. I started playing because my neighbor invited me and she knows someone from her son’s school who brought someone from a league, who has a sister who plays soccer, etc., etc.. All that to say, they don’t go to our church and I barely know many of them and they could care less who my husband is and what he does for a living. We just have fun playing soccer because we are women who like it.
So tonight a lady shows up and recognizes my last name and asks if I go to church (I already knew where this was going). I say, “Yes” and of course her next question is- “Is your husband Jeff Maguire?” I say “Yes” (with a nice pastoral-ly wife grin), and go about warming up. Five minutes later she is back around telling me that just this morning when reading her Bible she thought of something Jeff had said once when he spoke in big church. “Oh, so nice…I’ll have to tell him you said that.”, I say. Maybe five more minutes pass, while on the field playing, she runs over to me to tell me she has just downloaded the Bible ap on her iphone. “So great!”, I say. (“Oh brother!” is what I am thinking).
As we continue to play she yells across the field “Do you like KWAVE radio??” (Its a Christian radio station in our area) “HOLY CRAP LADY! I’M TRYING TO PLAY SOCCER MRS. SPIRITUAL QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE!” I say.? No, just kidding. I didn’t say that, sure wanted to but I was nice. So again and again church-y comment after church-y comment while on and off the field….Blahhhhh. So frustrating.
I extended grace to her on the outside and was polite, but on the inside I was a little ticked because I felt like I had to live up to what her idea of a pastor’s wife should be like. I mean, I just deleted the Bible ap on my iphone because I never use it, and I don’t like the christian radio station, its pretty cheesy. I am glad that she likes to hear my husband speak in big church, I like him too.? Is it bad to hope that she doesn’t come back to my fun place of anonymity? Maybe I am judging her in thinking that she can’t see me for anything else than PASTOR Jeff’s wife who reads the Bible all day singing Christian songs while strumming a guitar and baking cookies for the youth group.
I just like feeling normal at soccer, and for some reason her churchy-ness took that away from me tonight.
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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Your honesty is so refreshing!! Can’t wait for this weekend!
You asked, “Is it bad to hope that she doesn’t come back to my fun place of anonymity?”
Most of us have had these experiences, and we have felt this same way. I know I have at bible studies, parties, etc…Where people want me to take leadership when I don’t want to… or want me to pass on info to hubby… or begin a process of seeking my counsel on some BIG issue at a child’s birthday party I didn’t even think would relate to church at all…
But I am struck with what I read this morning in Phil. 2–to be interested in what others are doing, how Jesus humbled Himself for others…(for us) and how we need to do the same.
Sometimes for me- my feelings are valid, but they may not be right.
What a funny story. It makes me go, “blahhhhh,” too! I think it is valid to be ticked for a minute, as we YP wives need our anonymous times! I don’t know that I have experienced what you did at your soccer game… at least not from adults! I know this is a safe place, so I’ll just say it: that is strange behavior. If anything, our *middle school* students are the ones who I see suck up or show off their Christian-ness like that. Interesting. Seems like this gal needs some love; hopefully it would calm her down a bit, too.
But ohhhh, the biblical conviction in Phil. 2. Thanks Amanda C (seriously).
I took a minute to read Phil. 2 (not on my iPhone, although I do use it in church every week because I hate lugging my Bible around. I’m sure I am judged for this!), and was struck by a couple of things:
1- “consider others better than yourselves” (v. 3) That includes the overly-chipper, iPhone thumping, suck-upping, Christian radio-listening people who invade my private time and space. This grabbed me today- am I living up to the *negative* side of the pastor’s wife stereotype by being holier-than-thou toward some people? Even if it’s only in my head??? Eek! Hopefully my private thoughts don’t leak through to the outside, but they might in some small way, and I need to be on guard against that kind of attitude, especially since I am being watched, like it or not.
2- “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling” (v. 12) Maybe part of working out my salvation as a YP’s wife is to show people a GENUINE servant, an individual, and a caring helpmate for my husband. It takes courage to do that sometimes. I may not play the piano, listen to worship music 24-7, etc. but maybe I can harness my initial ticked-off feelings toward people’s expectations to bravely show them that God wants us to be ourselves for Him, using our gifts and talents to serve. If that means breaking the pre-conceived mold, great! There is freedom in Christ, and I want people to know it. Hopefully in being ourselves, stereotypical or not, we can “hold out the word of life” (v. 16) to others.
There’s a good side to everything, even the irritation we can feel about being put in a box! Maybe it bugs us so much because we know there is so much more to our “walk” than accessories and habits and smiling while baking cookies.
Thanks, as always, for sharing honestly, Amanda M! This is going to be bouncing around in my brain for a while, I think.
Not a fan of the church-y either. Love blending in sometimes too. Hard to do with in-laws at the church here–want some space to call my own…
Because there was no childcare at our church for Bible Study on a weekday morning, I signed up to do a study at the same time at another church with my kids. It has been refreshing to go and be fed and not feel like everyone is sitting there analyzing everything the YP’s wife says in the group.
I have people from church constantly come up and bug me about going to this other study now. It was a year long study and they did find someone to do the childcare this semester. I decided to stick with it and finish what I started, b/c my three-year-old LOVES her class and her teachers there.
Amanda-you really are a breath of fresh air for me! Thanks for being “normal”-not everyone is, ya’ know!!
Really looking forward to this coming weekend!
“normal” – made me smile to read that’s how you described the you outside of church… my hubby lost his yp job last month. As he searches for a secular job, I confess, I am anxious to be “normal” myself…
I understand your desire for an escape spot, though. For me, my blog was born out of that desire.
I appreciate your honesty and have felt the same way on many occasions. But, it got me to thinking, do we ever really have a place of normal anonymity?
When the Bible speaks of the church it is never talking about the building with four walls, it’s always refers to people. So in essence we are church wherever we go…scary thought.
God created you Amanda. Amanda who likes soccer and who at this point in her life is called to be a pastor’s wife. Amanda can only behave & think & feel like the person Amanda is. Any preconceived notions people have about pastor’s wives are on them…not you.
Another pastor’s wife gave me some very good advice.
“Do not put on a front. Sweet on the outside & venom on the inside. It will be tough not to sometimes. The ministry & people in it can be extremely stressful. But remember the only people Jesus pointed his finger at and said “You hypocrites!” were the Pharisees. Perfect on the outside – dead men’s bones on the inside. This trap will suck the life out of you.”
I must admit that after 20 years in the ministry this is still the hardest thing I struggle with and I do appreciate your honesty on the subject.
Most people who come up to you in public because they know you are in the ministry do so because they admire something about you or your husband and really do mean well.
I was blessed to read everyone’s posts and I agree with Kristen…we are called to be GENUINE. If we let someone other than God dictate the kind of pastor’s wife we should be we are just letting the world stuff us into a mold.
I’m either lucky or naive ’cause I don’t feel any pressure from my church with expectations of who I should be. I have my blog posts go to my FB page, and I try to be pretty transparent on there. I don’t want people thinking I’m better just because my hubby is the YP. In our little town there isn’t anywhere to go to escape from being known as the YP’s wife. Word was out all over town within a couple days of moving here. Tim and I try to do dates every once in a while in a city an hour away, but even there we run in to people.
I think if we were in a city and I had times of anonymity I would appreciate it, but for now I don’t miss what I don’t have.
What a blessing!!!! I am not alone!!! These are the first 2 thoughts that entered my mind as I read your post. Thank you thank you thank you for being so open & honest. Also – reading the comments has encouraged me as well. I love reading your blog. It always encourages me right when I need it
I too love your honesty. The American church does persuade pastors to be fake because of the pedestal people put you on. It’s good to know that we can be honest here. I’ve only been a yp for 9 months – and definitely feel like i have to do a lot that I don’t want to do – smiling when I don’t want to. It’s hard to tell the line between being fake and refusing to give in to the flesh.
Sometimes I feel like “underachieving” in church so that people don’t start to expect too much of me, but that just leaves me feeling unfulfilled and like I’m not doing my best in what God has specifically asked me to do (because, you know, I’m not).
Sometimes I tell people I’ve just met that my husband works in a non-profit because that could be anything and they just drop it. When I say he’s a pastor though, I can actually SEE (or maybe it’s my paranoia, but that’s beside the point) them starting to form an opinion of what they expect me to be. UGH!
No advice here except to say that I know how you feel and I’m sorry that your “me time” feels like it’s been invaded.
Thank you for this post, Amanda. I discovered this site after attending the SYMC conference, and I so appreciate your honesty. I am at a small church (200), my husband’s the youth minster, and it feels like the smile must be there at all times. Nothing can be wrong. It is so tiring! I’m glad I’m not alone.