Jeff recently has been traveling quite a bit. From conferences to camps. And this last trip just really threw me for a loop. It was a last minute trip that took him away for a week. I know its hard to be a single parent and away from our husbands for any period of time. But this trip I was really mad about. To put it bluntly, I was pissed. I couldn’t get excited for him to go, I couldn’t send him off well, and I couldn’t talk to him the entire time he was gone. He texted me and I responded a few times, but I even asked for him not to call because it was too hard to talk to him on the phone. I was obviously really emotional about him being gone.? I had to really think about why it bothered me so much. And I figured it out!….
He didn’t INCLUDE me. Not that I wasn’t invited to go with him (I wasn’t, but I couldn’t have gone anyway. That didn’t hurt my feelings.), but most of the time I get a “say” in when trip and even camps happen. At least a discussion or notice about it. Jeff respectfully comes to me and we match up our calendars and I can have a “say” in some of his scheduling of events. Not all, and sometimes if I say “no” he needs to say “yes”, and we discuss each event that may take him away from me and the kids. But this trip was just decided without me and being last minute didn’t help either. I was actually told by another staff member that plane tickets had been purchased for this trip and the days and time they were leaving, not even my own husband bothered to tell me. (Husbands reading this… NOT GOOD).
So because I wasn’t able to process this trip it could only seem like a burden to me. I could find no joy in what this trip might mean for Jeff and his team. Such a bummer!
Ughhh, it was exhausting. exhausting to do it all alone, and exhausting to be that mad all week. It still amazes me after all these years of doing youth ministry together how we forget the simplest details that we have known forever!!
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I’m Amanda Maguire and I have been “Married to a Youth Pastor” for almost 12 years now. We have 3 kids, Dylan (8) and Molly (6) and Scotty (3). I worked in full-time youth ministry for 4 years, got married and got a “real job”, allowing me to continue to be a volunteer in youth ministry for another 4 years. We started having kids and now I’m just married to the Youth Pastor. I have great friends and a fun life! I have a passion and a calling for wives just like me, married to a Youth Pastor.
I love to write.
I love to do creative activities.
I love to run.
I love to shop.
I love to dine out.
And I would love time to do any of these things more.
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I know how you feel! Sometimes, I get jealous of my husband because he gets to take off and go to all these places without me…. But, I have to remember why he does it and why I support him.
I would have been pissed too. I have an almost two year old and almost four year old and my DH is a Youth Pastor in a state away from either side of the family. When he goes away I have absolutely NO support. It is exhausting. And then he comes home exhausted and wants a break after being on the job 24/7…
Can I just say THANK YOU so much for your honesty! I can totally relate to this! It is so hard for me to be supportive when I feel annoyed and pissed that I was not “in on” the decision on a certain trip. And then comes the guilt of not being supportive but it’s pretty difficult when I am so annoyed! Ahh…the life of being a YP wife…I am sure glad I am not in this alone…and I am sure glad I am not the only one who gets frustrated with calendar issues! Thanks again for your honesty..it is refreshing!!!
I married my best friend two years ago, right after we both graduated from college. So, not only were we adjusting to being married, but we were also adjusting to life as a youth pastor family! My Mr. Handome Absentminded Husband was always forgetting to let me know about events until last minute. It IS frustrating! I’m so thankful that he’s gotten better at this (but I still read every line in the church bulletin each Sunday to make sure I know everything that’s coming up!)
Oh boy!! That’s a big one–exhausted is probably an understatement.
After 20+ years as a youth pastor’s wife, I still struggle when my husband has to travel (although I must admit that now that our kids are older and all go to camp/trips with him, it’s getting a bit more pleasant). There were certainly times when his schedule helped him forget to let me know and I felt blindsided. Probably the most important thing when you can’t quite send them off in joy, is to welcome him home with joy. Later, when he isn’t falling asleep during every conversation, you can share how important it is to not get surprised if possible.
Amanda, I can certainly see how you could become upset over being left out of the loop on a decision that obviously impacted your week heavily!
Right now, my family is recovering from a whirlwind weekend, We have four children and my husband is a youth pastor. On Friday, Larry left to take the graduating seniors on a retreat, leaving me to take care of the guys for the weekend. We started by rushing across town from a student council swim party to a karate lesson on Friday. Then we started Saturday at the ball field at 8am (and it was our week to bring drinks for the team…picture a lady, holding a baby on one hip, pushing a stroller carrying a cooler, constantly looking over her shoulder to make sure that her other three were following!) From there, we went to the elementary school to re-register our children for next year (an odd policy that our local school district requires every 2 years). After registering, it was back to the house to get the boys down for a nap and begin preparing for a reception the next day…which was to honor my husband after his ordination service (which was after church and to my horror, scheduled right at the baby’s naptime). After everything was ready for the reception, it was a chore making sure that everyone had an appropriate outfit to wear to the service the next day. Sheesh!!! I am exhausted just thinking of it.
Before I get to my point, I should also note that this is not an infrequent occurance at our home either. Like you, my husband is often gone. Mission Trips, conferences, DNow, retreats, camps, camp planning retreats and so on.
I just have to remind myself that there are REAL single moms out there doing what we sometimes have to do. And for them, there is no relief in sight. We should be careful not to take for granted that we are blessed to be married to godly men. There are many who would give anything to be in our place.
What would his reaction be if you were the one who just picked up & left for a week at a moments notice? And your right, it does seem to be the little details where we first become the most inconsiderate. Which is frustrating because we know better!
This may be a little of topic but I’ve often thought a lot of conferences, seminars, etc. put unneeded pressure on our schedule and complicate the simple act of just showing or sharing God’s love with someone else.
Once again, God bless your honest soul
I can totally relate to being upset when I don’t have time to “process”. I keep telling my husband I can adjust to just about anything, I just need time to process and plan and get used to the idea! Also I am sure I am not the only one who’s husband frequently says “I’m sure I told you about this”. Of course occasionally he has told me, but I forgot because it never went on the Calender, or kids were yelling at the time, or I was half awake…etc… So I guess I’m not totally innocent!
Miss your posts – must be a busy summer. Feeling overwhelmed by life as a pastor’s wife and thought I’d check your blog for some encouragement. It’s good to know I’m not alone. Am sure that’s half the battle. Just knowing other people understand. Thanks for your partnership and providing this community. Much love.
I know!!!! Not so much busy as SUPer technologically challenged! Long long story, but I have no computer abd am sending this message from my phone cuz I don’t know my own passwords to my blog so I have a few phone calls to make and just gotta do it to get back on track. Totally miss writing!
made my night. May have just inspired me to do some “work”!
Thanks for this comment
Love, Amanda