Bible studies….What do you think?
By Amanda on Sep 22, 2009 in Featured
Corrie asked about Bible studies last night and I would love to hear what you all think.
I (Amanda) have attended bible studies at my church with other women from our congregation as well as a few others with friends that do not go to our church. I do love both. But I have to admit (as a pastor’s wife) I feel like I can be a little more vulnerable and transparent with friends and women that do not go to our church or at least women who know what being a pastor’s wife is like.
What are your feelings? Bible studies at you church only? Does it matter?
Where do you get your soul fed?
I’ve been doing alot of reading lately on the roles and expectations of a pastor’s wife. One of the consistent themes in the literature is that as pastor’s wives it is imperative that we develop strong christian friends outside our church. One way to do that would be to attend bible studies at other churches. As much as we can get our souls fed within our own church, we will be much more vulnerable and truthful in a place where we can’t get hurt.
Lisa | Sep 22, 2009 | Reply
Since we are younger and none of our friends have children who are anywhere near being in high school, I have found it pretty easy to be vulnerable in our small group at our church. They definitely see Ben as different than the head pastor, who they would probably have higher expectations of. They interact with him less in ministry and so think of us more as just members of their small group. I have been really blessed by this.
Erica | Sep 22, 2009 | Reply
With my commitments to my husband’s middle school ministry, my role in the worship ministry (much-needed creative outlet!), and our adult small group, there is no time for anything else! I would have to give up my one night off to watch tv (or go out) with my husband, which I’m not willing to do! Through small group, a more “casual” group of ladies, some on the worship team, and our youth volunteers, I feel I have a few places I can really connect with others and be vulnerable. I also have long-distance friends from college or high school who will let me vent if I need to! And of course…. Mom is just a phone call away, too. I have never been part of a women’s Bible study at our church or another church.
We’re newer to our church (only a year), so of course most people I know are from there. My husband and I hang out with another YP (a single guy) from time to time, and keep trying to get together with another YP and his wife, but both couples are so busy that it hasn’t worked out yet. It does feel good to spend time with people NOT from our church sometimes!
For me, Amanda’s post brought up the thought of who I want to be as a “pastor’s wife.” I never planned on being one, and even though I’ve been married to a YP for 4 years, I don’t often think of myself as a PW. I think this is because I have found good friends at church who allow me to be myself, and once I’m comfortable with them, the youth volunteers, and the kids I am pretty much “myself” to everyone else. Of course there are exceptions, and there will always be things you don’t share with everyone. But I like to think that I’m pretty good at discerning who I can trust and who I can’t, and I feel like once I’m close to people in the different areas of my involvement at church, those people can protect me. Does that make sense? This is something I’ve been thinking about recently…. kind of the fact that it’s MY church, too, you know? I should be able to be fed and feel safe, just like any other member of the congregation. I can also set an example by being involved and making honest connections at church so others can do the same and reap the benefits of those relationships. (I’m certainly not saying that it’s dishonest or a bad example to join a group at another church. I totally understand the need for it, just haven’t experienced it myself.)
Maybe I feel this way because I have yet to be really burned or backstabbed by someone close to me from church. We have had a couple of incidents with gossip, but I firmly believe that because we allowed so many different people to see who we really were, when the gossip came out, they knew not to believe it. Maybe I haven’t joined a women’s study partly because it’s usually a larger group with some of the “queen bee” types who could possibly hurt me in the future. I just feel like it’s not something I need. Is that bad? Is it something I should be doing, in or out of my home church? I don’t know… talk to me in five years and I may feel differently!
Amanda, thanks so much for doing this blog. It’s so great to have a forum to get us thinking, talk about our lives, and encourage one another.
Kristen | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
There are only a few people at our church with whom I know I could completely be vulnerable with and I’m thankful that they’re part of my small group. I’ve attended other Bible study groups comprised of women at my church when I’ve been invited, but I’m a lot less likely to get to the nitty gritty of me when I’m there just because I don’t know if I could fully trust everyone with my heart. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that — I mean, you’re not going to go to Starbucks and rehash your life with the first person you see, right?
All of that said, I also think it’s really important to keep relationships outside of the church. I didn’t do that when we moved to the area we live in now and it was almost my undoing. I hated being in ministry and I hated my husband’s job for moving us here. Turns out, I didn’t hate our lives; I just hated how lonely I felt. We’re made to be relational and that’s a lesson that will always stick with me.
Hosanna | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
First of all, I would love to be a part of a women’s Bible study. I would choose one outside of my church. My first choice would be to have a Bible study made up of pastor’s wives from our area. I have been in ministry about 10 years (8 of them with my husband). Though my husband is the paid staffer, we generally serve as a team and the people in our church no that. That being said, they think that I am the inside track to the staff.
Any time I am invovled with other women at our church I get asked a million questions about private staff matters. I also get an earful about anything people aren’t happy about. It is very draining and akward. There really isn’t a tactful way to tell people to mind their own business in certain situations.
Women outside of ministry don’t understand the fishbowl and stress that we live under. Our whole family is on call 24/7. We often sacrafice family time for someone else’s crisis of the week. It would be such a blessing to have a connection with other women that understand the dynamics of a ministry family.
It has been my desire for quite a while to form a support team of ministry wives in our area. If anybody out there is in upstate SC look me up. I would love to get to know you!
Crystal | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
I’ve also tried a lot of different types of studies: with friends outside the church, at church, BSF–
the most life-changing was with friends outside the church. Vulnerability, and accountability is key to life-change. This doesn’t happen always in a group of ladies from the church. In fact, I find myself not being fully real, as I’d like to be, as there are several women who are not trustworthy usually in these studies.
But, most of all, it’s crucial to be in the Word and to be aware of change that God needs to do in our lives–no matter where the study takes place, or with whom. Self-realization that we are all sinners, and our need of His daily grace.
Thanks for sharing, ladies!
Diana | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
Wow Hosanna, I so completely related to what you said!
Sarah Hulme | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
I am currently dealing with this issue…. I havent been asked but there is this expectation that i attend the weekly womens bible study at our church. My husband has to go to the mens one, but I just do not feel comfortable with the women in the group…also the pastors wife is the one teaching it , and it makes me nervous to share some things with her in fear that she may repeat them back to her husband and he would say something to my Husband or act differently bc of it. We are new to the church so i havent made a ton of connections with the people here, im also new to being a wife and a YP wife so i admit my guard is still up a bit high… good post , and good food for thought!
Katelyn | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
Funny that this topic has come up… I just started a small group/women’s Bible study group at another church this week (there is a connection, though, as the pastor’s family used to attend our church while the hubby was in seminary). I’m anxious to see how different the dynamics will be… if I will feel less “on guard” and more open. I have done studies in the past at my church and have felt open enough to discuss issues about parenting/my child and other personal trials we have been through, but have definitely thought through what I shared before opening my mouth
Mrs. H | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
With 2 young kids and a part time job I barely have the ability to show up to youth bible study and I’m now starting to realize that is getting way to hard. In the past i attended the womens bible study at our church and have been part of a few small groups. I agree the small group with close friends is best being vulnerable. Right now I get my soul fed by listening to different pastors online and i feel that God is really teaching me great stuff through that.
Angelina | Sep 23, 2009 | Reply
I was blessed to be invited into a BSF Bible Study a couple of years ago. Although I can’t say I feel like I can be 100% open… (10 ministry years will condition you to be a little cautious) I kind of keep my group (who none of attend my church) from knowing my husband’s a youth pastor, (If I can avoid it.) Otherwise it ends up being you who they turn to for the final answer of any question… or I don’t know just more pressure.
I really enjoy the anonymity of being in a large group of women, having myself no responsibilities, and just being Amanda instead of my husband’s wife.
Amanda (but not the official one) | Sep 24, 2009 | Reply
I’m a part of the women’s bible study in our church and I have to say that it’s been amazing. My husband is the YP and the Pastor’s wife does not attend this study. I’m a little grateful for that bc I feel like this group of ladies are all mine. I don’t have to feel like if I share something that she’ll look down on me for what I say or think that I’m sharing too much. The group of ladies have always been such a great support even when I’m at my worst (which just happened to be last week). It’s so interesting to hear everyone’s experiences with their ministries! Everyone has different relationships with their church and there’s no set rules for any of us. Sometimes I wish there were so that I know exactly how I’m supposed to be.
Gloria | Sep 24, 2009 | Reply
I am so glad this conversation came up, I also have been struggling with this. There are a few bible studies in our church but neither me or my husband attend them because 1. we have never been invited and 2. they are much older then us. It seems that our church has forgotten about the young adults (20’s to mid-30’s). I have a friend that invited me to join a W.B.S. but I have been hesitant because I am afraid of what people at the church will say. It seems that certain families are very opinionated about things, and I feel as though I am always being watched. I feel like an outcast at the church because I don’t fit a certain pastor’s wife mold they have.
Sorry that I just totally vented right there, I just never feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone about it because not too many people would understand.
Tiffany | Sep 25, 2009 | Reply
Tiffany, Katelyn I can definitely identify. I feel like there are certain expectations of me & my YP husband. A couple of times I’ve been open & vulnerable to someone at our church, I get a look like, “Wow! I hope you repent of that attitude.” Sooo it makes me not even want to attend our ladies’ Bible study. Also, the women that do attend are much older. So I don’t have much in common with them. I would love to be able to connect with women outside my church, who I can be completely myself with, but that is soooo hard to do when my schedule is completely consumed with being a mommy, several nights a week a “Youth Pastor Widow” since he is gone several nights. Then church Sundays & Wednesdays. So, if I had to choose, I think I’d choose one outside my church.
This blog is such an encouragement to me. Thanks, Amanda!
Kristi | Sep 25, 2009 | Reply
Should we have to go “outside of our church” to be vulnerable and find accountability as pastors’ wives? Is this the kind of life God desires for pastors wives? It is sad that pastor’s wives feel like they have to put on a mask in their own church’s small group. It is the same for the pastor or pastors. It is very sad.
Nathan | Oct 5, 2009 | Reply
I was so hungry for women’s interaction I agreed to lead a Bible study in our church. (I am a youth pastor’s wife). After sign-ups, the group was mostly older than me and I dreaded it a little. But it was great! I got to really know some of the older women in church who can be great examples. I am glad I did it. I wound up leading another this fall. I am somewhat guarded, but really trying to be less so. I would love to do another study with friends outside my church to have a basis to compare. Thanks for the site!
Tracy | Nov 3, 2009 | Reply