This is the way we go to church, go to church, go to church…
By Amanda on Jan 5, 2010 in Featured
My picture perfect family going to church each Sunday together, my kids coloring Jesus pictures, singing songs, and telling of the wonderful Bible story they learned as they apply it daily in their little lives…its not happening friends! For one, my husband and I can never go to church together (that’s a lie, we go twice a year together). And second, all three of my kids are in a phase of hating church. What do you do? It is so exhausting to spend 2 hours getting ready and out the door and spend another 40 minutes or so checking them all into their appropriate classes each one screaming or whimpering not to go, to then make it into the worship center to be paged out of church to go pick them all up again before hearing one word of the message. This has been my life for the past 2 years. Maybe some of you can relate?? (I do realize not all of you have kids).
So, as I said before for many reasons including this one, I stopped going to church. But now I am desperate to go to church and hear God’s Word. My amazing solution: get a babysitter! I tell you, it has been incredible. My lifesavor, Kayla comes to my house Saturday nights at 4pm, I head out the door alone, go to church, get myself a cup of coffee and sit to worship and hear my pastor’s entire message. Then a few times I have been so lucky to have my husband meet me after the service when he is done teaching and we have dinner together. Last Saturday this happened and I was so excited I cried at dinner! Church AND a date night all in one…it’s a Christmas miracle!
I know this is not the typical “church family” scenario one would hope for. I really do want my kids to go to church and love it. One thing about being a pastor’s kid, they are always at church. I think its okay to not like it. But I don’t want them to hate it. They have a lifetime of “church” ahead of them, I’m pretty sure they will be alright. So for this season in life, I go to church, it’s great! I love church again. And I do come home talking about what I learned in church and apply it to my daily life with my kids.
I’m just so curious about other moms out there with kids who might be in this same spot. What do you do or what have you done? I just never dreamed that the actual task of getting to and going to church would be close to impossible. I know it won’t always be like this, but I’m sure it will be something else when they get older.
Amanda THAT is so SMART!!!! Good for you!! My kids don’t do well in our church’s children’s ministry. I know some of the other pastor’s kids have the same issue. I discovered I can’t leave them for more than one service or they are whinny, grumpy, and making it hard on the teachers. They can’t handle it when the kids, teachers, and curriculum change 3 times in a morning. When one of the other pastor’s wives used to work at the church, she did hire a babysitter.
I agree with you Amanda I think your kids will be totally fine! YOU are the most important faith shaper they have, and when mama’s happy, everyone’s happy.
Ashley Christian | Jan 6, 2010 | Reply
So I have a tough question. I know it’s off topic, but i’m really seeking answers. Don’t worry I’m deeply talking to God, but I could really use some advice from you ladys who’ve been there done that. Here goes. How do you know it’s time to leave a church? I have always thought it would be easy God would call us to another one. For six months though my husband and I have been feeling a tug to leave our church. They don’t support youth very well. Basically they want a youth group to be seen and that’s it. We are expected to be at all adult funtions but not even the pastor will come to youth events. He can only name two of our thirty or so kids. We had a meeting with him and he commented he had been letting it slide but he was going to start asking my husband to do some (real deep studies) with the students. Like we have just played around for three years. We do very deep studies. We’ve been doing Jesus centered youth group for Wed., fuel on Sunday mornings because my husband has to do all the sound and media for morning service and does not have time to do a better lesson, but fuel is good stuff too. Not to mention my husband has been promised for over a year they were going to get someone to do the sound and media stuff so he can focus on youth. On Sunday nights we can’t be cosistant because they have events, fellowships and requiered youth in comunion. So that said I think we are doing okay. Not to keep score but we had four salvations this year in youth and one in big church we are reaching the kids. The problem is he is not involved in anything to know. When we ask how we can bridge the gap between youth and adults we are told have the youth do this or that, but if we suggest having an adult even toss a ball around with the kids that’s asking for too much. When thier is a disagreement with anything we have done he really does not back us up. He has misquoted sripture many time to the point that visitiors won’t come back. We are always in the wrong because (we are too young to know better). The adults break and mess up stuff that we get for youth but we are in trouble the moment a youth leaves a pieace of trash out. The pastor by his own admittance said I’m not around to help you guys grow as leaders the way I should but then gave excuses with no promise to do better. I understand alot of this is just youth ministory, but when is enough enough. It is painfully odviouse that the youth really mean nothing to this church and we can not grow anymore here. We don’t feel feed here and it reAlly feels like a good old boys club not a church. How long do we go aginst what we believe to be true and right and support a church that does not support us? My husband keeps asking me and all I can say is seek God. Don’t get me wrong we are not perfect and we make plenty of mistakes, but we have no leadership except to slap our hands and tell us no that’s wrong. Help
some give me some thoughts. If you’ve been throught this kind of thing or if it’s just youth as it is in any church I really am a desperate wife looking for help.
Mary | Jan 6, 2010 | Reply
Hi Mary,
I can unfortunately say that I can totally relate with everything you say! It is so hard to do ministry in a church like that. We are just desperately praying on our knees for God to show up. We look to other churches to get fed (online or sat. night services)and we have even went to christian counseling to discuss our sitution (where btw her professional opinion was that we were in an abusive situation here at this church- it is a pastor led chrch and he does not have any accountability)so for now God is making us wait. It is HARD! In the 3 years that we have been here we have seen 8 staff members come and go- associate, worship, etc) My biggest fear is that there are other churches like that out there but people keep telling us that there are some awesome churches where staff is treated like a family. I really really hope so!
Amanda-I have definetly had my kids babysat for church, especially when I play in the worship band. I have also left my kids in their classrooms. My first one had such a hard time for months and I would always get paged but now he loves it and my second one does not seem to care so for now we are good- i’m sure we will face hard times again. I can relate with you about crying when able to enjoy a service or have a date night with my hubby.
Angelina | Jan 6, 2010 | Reply
Love that you have that option about going to church! Our girls don’t mind going to church now that they are 7 and 5, but at age 2/3/4 it was horrible! They are always asking me to be teacher which is beyond my capabilities right now with a 2 year old and newborn. So, once a month or quarter I teach, or help teach. But right now, it’s daunting to get out the door to worship with my husband. 8:45am is too early to get four kids out the door–one being just a little over a month old! Don’t know what to do at this point, but have loved online sermons, although there is rarely a time when the house is silent enough to hear what God is trying to tell me. Love the babysitter idea!! Wish we lived in a bigger city with night services–even at a different church would be nice once in a while. Church is an hour or two a week–how we minister to our kids in other hours throughout the week is where they will see and hear Christ, too. Think I’ll try to worship at the later hour with my kids…my husband and I just won’t be able to together. It isn’t my dream, but maybe God’s plan right now at this stage. After all, everything is a stage right? Or when sleep becomes regular, then getting up early will work better, too!
Diana | Jan 6, 2010 | Reply
Oh and by the way a book that really helped us in our situation is: The Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards
Angelina | Jan 6, 2010 | Reply
I can totally relate with this topic when my kids were that age…they are 17, 13, 11 & 9 now…Oh, and throw a child with autism into the mix. For about a year I was lucky if I heard any sermon let alone actually making it to church. For about 3 months of that time I was sitting on a set of stairs that lead to the Sunday school rooms holding a very distraught little boy with autism. He cried…I cried. That’s not to say that we weren’t surrounded by people who loved us, it was just the reality of my life at the time.
Getting a sitter is a great idea…there were weeks I wish I had thought of that when the kids were younger. We made it through that tough time and they really LOVE church now. But they know they have the choice to do things just like everyone else. I don’t force them to do anything.
When the Bible speaks in reference to the church it is always talking about people, not a building with 4 walls & a pulpit. It is more than just going and sitting to hear a sermon or take part in a program. I just try to live by example…esp. at home, where I think “church” begins anyway.
Jennifer | Jan 7, 2010 | Reply
MichelleandMike Dellaperute I have a 4 year old now, but my 3 older boys are 9,11,and 12 so when the 3 were little it was like that for me. My kids love going to church still, thank God, but I was always worried about them hating church too. I try to tell people, because they could be a bit judgemental towards pastors wives and co. don’t you th…ink? I tell them what works for you may not work for me:) Of course with a smile…ha ha, What worked for me, when my kids were little is staying in the class with them until they felt comfortable for me to leave.. I don’t like to let them scream either.. It’s more on the parent that way but it made it possible …My 4 year old now still has his moments on Wed. nite Awana time and from time to time I stay too…but having the 12 year old, now I know… it does go by too fast…
It is important to be fed and to have time with your husband too… it’s a constant battle for time , time , time…keep fighting for it…it’s sooo wonderful that you both want to be together! …
michelle | Jan 7, 2010 | Reply
I don’t have children yet, but I like to hear mom stories, so i am somewhat prepared when I do
I have a question along this topic. I am a pastors kid, but I wasn’t in church since a baby. My dad didn’t get saved till I was 9 years old and that’s when we started going. My mom and dad never told me that i HAD to go to church (I wanted to go & when I didn’t feel like going, I went b/c I thought God wanted me to). As a pastor’s kid, I guess I felt the responsibility of being an example too. However, I feel like if my mom and dad told me that I could choose to go to church or not, that I would have grown up being wishy washy about attending church. That I might just go when I felt like it and not have understood that going to church isn’t always for ‘me’ & what I can get out of it. God might want me to be there to pray for someone else, encourage someone, help out. I guess my question is, should we tell our children “It’s up to you if you want to go to church” or “This is what the bible says and what are family does, so you need to do it too.”? I just found this blog and appreciate the honest conversations and everyone’s helpful comments 
Heather | Jan 7, 2010 | Reply
Mary and Angelina,
I also can unfortunately relate to everything you both said, and i really don’t think it’s uncommon, sad to say.
To the should we leave question, I’d say how’s your walk with God being effected by the situation? If it’s hurting because you’re so burnout in that place, that’s a huge factor. I think God’s will first is to have our hearts. Just my 2 cents.
Ashley Christian | Jan 8, 2010 | Reply
Amanda,
I can totally relate to the past several posts. Thankfully my husband saved his two Sundays and took them both at the end of the year. It was so good to have a break.
I try really hard to keep my emotions under control on Sunday mornings. The last time that we were at our church an older woman pulled me aside, and in an effort to be “helpful” told me that I needed to get up earlier so that I could be on time. She also suggested that if I was going to be late I should call my husband. I totally lost it and started crying. I tried to explain that I do not call my husband while he is working unless it is an emergency. The baby had a dirty diaper as I was walking out the door is not an emergency. (long story, but the timing issue was not making me late to service, so she was way out of line)
I am blessed to have a wonderful relationship with the senior pastor’s wife. I talked with her about it and she was very encouraging. Basically she told me that my role on Sunday mornings (or whenever your church has a service)was to care for my children. To run my house in such a way that my husband knows that he can be totally focused on his job.
Our Sundays do not look like a Norman Rockwell painting. We rarely sit together. We never ride together. But, we have tried to make the best of things. Just like you are doing. I say, “good for you”. The goal is for God and the church to beautiful to our children. Few people understand what life is like for them. You get to pick the best way to guide your children towards Christ. Seeing mommy place value on her time with God is a great start.
Thanks so much for sharing. I do not take joy in the fact that we share so many struggles. I do take comfort in not being alone.
Ann | Jan 8, 2010 | Reply
Mary,
I second Angelina’s recommendation. A Tale of Three Kings is an incredible and Godly resource for deciding if/when and how to leave a church. It helped my husband and me in a potentially devestating ministry situation.
Hannah | Jan 10, 2010 | Reply
My kids have definitely hated going to church. My oldest would get to the porch of our house and yell I hate (the name of our church). Since the neighbors know that my husband works there it was very embarrassing! My two older boys are now pretty good but the three younger ones are now the harder to get there. I think like the others have said it goes in phases! You gave to get through the phase any way you can. I love the babysitter idea. I could leave an hour later if I did not have to check in 5 kids before church! Awesome!!!
Misha | Jan 10, 2010 | Reply
This message is for Mary, and other youth pastor’s wives that are struggling in their current church…
I showed my husband (a youth pastor) your comments/struggle. We’ve been very hurt and experienced brokenness in ministry. We also are experiencing the joy now of being on the other side. Yes…it exists!! When my husband read your comments, he sat down and wrote the following (from personal experience). I pray it will possibly give you a bit of clarity and guidance as you see out God’s will and direction! Blessings.
———————
Go back to the job description. What are his obligations?
Tell your Sr. Pastor that you are struggling with so many duties and ask his advice (sincerely), “Would you rather me do ‘this or that’ or focus on my youth ministry? I don’t feel like I am able to adequately fulfill both roles and I wanted your advice on what you think I should do.”
Intentionally seek out his advice on things. Whatever kinds of mistakes have you made in the past, you can start now by asking how he would like to see certain things handled.
Sounds like maybe your Sr. Pastor is overworked too. Ask to meet together to come up with ways you can get more congregation people involved in volunteer service. Work together to help alleviate your Sr. Pastor’s duties. This helps your relationship with him.
If he’s content to have you do all the work, suffer, and burn out…you may want to tidy up that resume.
Do you feel released from your ministry? Do you still have ideas and goals about what you’d like to accomplish there? If so, you may not be ready to leave yet….
Sort out how you feel with how God is moving. They may be two different things….
Ask yourself, where can we see God working? What is the Spirit doing? He’s there somewhere…just look hard! If he’s taking you out of the church – so be it. Leave gracefully, with integrity.
However, you may have to stay there and learn how to manage upward. Find a local pastor who will mentor you. Consult with another pastor you trust. Earn the trust of your Sr. Pastor by building a close relationship with him. Then, in time, you can earn the right to start changing things that he is either not capable or not willing to change himself. This is hard to do and takes lots of finesse. Read up on it.
What leadership books have you read recently?
Have you invested in a personal growth book?
You may find mentors in print if not in flesh.
For your congregation, you may have to paint a vision for the youth group. If you can find ways to get in front of your congregation, do it. Then share stories of life change among your teens…share about their maturity, faith, and taking responsibility. Stories sell! The more you do that, the sooner you will turn their hearts toward teens.
Asking to throw a ball with a kid is a great first step to ask of someone. Don’t forget to tell the “why” though…. Share (briefly) with that adult why throwing a ball with a kid is so meaningful and significant to that kid.
Finally, don’t neglect your daily reading in the Word and find ways to thank and praise God – especially when you don’t feel like it. Praise Him anyway! Thank Him for every little thing you can set your mind and heart on and don’t stop….
Krista | Jan 14, 2010 | Reply
Hey, I stumbled upon this site accidentally, but wanted to throw in some advice from the other side. I am a children’s pastor of a semi-large church in the midwest. I have early elementary age children, and I am married to a former youth pastor, who is now in the business industry. Since I have been the “spouse”, as well as the “pastor”, I believe that we have worked out a system that works pretty well for our family.
1. Church is a “family affair”. My husband and all of my children go to church WITH me…we ride in one car, even if that means them getting there so much earlier then they have too, its important to us, that our children grasp that this is a “family calling” to serve our community. (there are also times that I have to go early as an exception, but this is still the goal every week.)
2. We protect Sundays as a day that we eat lunch together. This means turning down people sometimes, (even the head pastor)…remember, our family is first. I have unique routines that I do with our children each sunday to make it a “special” day, and not a day to dread. (we cuddle to read a book, go to the park for a quick play date between services.)
3. We allow our children to pick which extra weekday activities they want to be in….Awana, kids choir, upward basketball. We do NOT force them to do them all. This way they have a choice. However, it is NOT optional for them to skip out on Sunday. Why??? Because we believe God has called our family to serve this community, not just mom and dad. This means they are special and important to our ministry. They pray over lost families with us, they ride in the car as I take community kids home after church, they go into homes with me as we pray over families and bring food and supplies to the needy. We are not perfect by any means…we have surely had our share of “ministry hang-ups”, but I refuse to allow Satan to steal the joy of following Jesus from my children. I guess you could say I am a little stubborn in that way.
4. My children hang out in my office after school and in the summer. They “experience” ministry with us. (yes, even at a LARGE church, with secretaries, and big-church stuff happening!)
My church knew from the beginning that my children would not be shoved in a corner while my husband and I ran off to do ministry.
All this to say, since I am in the reversal role, maybe ask your husbands, if they could find small ways to make ministry days and events a family thing. Not just a work thing. Encourage your church to be sensitive to the needs of pastors and their families. I know sometimes we have hired interns to help watch children at church with us during a big event, so that we can still be parents, but also be able to enjoy church.
Hope this encourages you that it doesn’t have to be give up on church going…but maybe getting creative with how you do it.
A friend.
A friend | Jan 19, 2010 | Reply