A sweet and dear friend of ours died yesterday. Cancer stinks. It is an injustice. It is not fair, not good, not right. It leaves us with more questions than answers, more confusion than comfort. There are no words that can heal. There is nothing more to be done.

So we gather together. We sit. We pray (mostly we acknowledge our own quiet tears as sacred unspoken prayers).  And we look to those who make Jesus feel more accessible- even when we feel like he is hiding from us in our desperation.

I am learning that it isn’t always necessary to  find the solution and understanding in life. But to just BE. To be quiet can be the kindest act of Jesus, to be still can show the most compassion and comfort. And to offer the strength of my arms to carry or hold my friend that has fallen can be the closest thing to Jesus that I can be.

As God is constantly realigning my heart for ministry I want this to translate as I encounter hurting people in my life. The learning is painful.  But there is such beauty in the hands and feet of Jesus.

Nothing will take me down faster than when my family goes down. My 3 year old got a concussion from falling off a swing, I had a “teacher meeting” at school for my oldest son, my daughter broke her nose falling down a slide, and my husband had the flu!  Holy smokes its been quite a week.

I shouldn’t be surprised, its almost Easter. It seems that a lot of time during the week of preparing for something important something always goes wrong. Something breaks, someone gets sick, we fight, the kids cry a lot more than usual, our nerves seem a little more raw, we feel a little more on edge, a little more exposed. Something happens the week before…camp, retreats, new ministry launches, crucial weekend messages, Christmas, Easter… before life changing events. I know it is not coincidental. I know it is very intentional. And I know the only defense I have is my ability to wash my hands  and pray. I know that all of us will experience these kinds of challenges in these kinds of circumstances because of “the job”.

I don’t want to sound like a bible thumping, on my soap box, “the devil’s gonna get you” writer. I only want to say that when you feel like all that could go wrong is going wrong and under attack, you probably are. You are not alone. And my only advice would be to lean into it. Face it without fear. Pray your guts out… God is bigger. People’s lives will be changed, your life and heart will change! Stuff gets fixed, people can heal, make up, and survive. Because you gave your family to the creator and you prayed your husband through a battle.

You are very powerful . Stronger than you thought, right?

After 17 years in ministry and 14 years of marriage we are still living paycheck to paycheck. Setting aside the ministry part of “The Job” and just focusing on the financial part of things for a second…

Obviously none of us were so naive to get into this job for the money. We all knew it wasn’t going to pay well. We all knew there would be financial sacrifices. We all knew we would have to live differently. But sometimes I struggle to know if its responsible, or the right thing to do when society and all things reasonable are saying, “How long can you live like this?” And at my age the question is more like, “How long can you actually do youth ministry?”, as if the cuteness factor is beginning to wear off.

At my worst, I beg and pray for Jeff to have a regular job outside of the church where we can make some money and actually fix our falling down fence in the front yard. And fix the three holes in our ceiling that have been there for 3 years from a leak in the upstairs shower. Or fix the upstairs shower for that matter! And in my dreams I have a budget for the grocery store where I dont need a coupon and a budget at all that includes clothing. Ahhhhh, to shop for new clothes… (I just drooled a little). Oh, and kids make it all the more challenging. I am constantly taking 5$ from groceries to help pay for soccer, or baseball, and trading date night money for a tank of gas, but then not filling up the gas tank entirely so that extra $10 can buy a new baseball”cup” for my growing son.  Just 2 weeks ago I got caught picking flowers in a neighbors yard for a birthday gift for my daughters teacher! Seriously people, it can get exhausting! Not to mention embarrassing.

At my best, I am thankful. My prayers are overflowing with gratitude and  humility. I can’t believe God would meet my needs each day and fill our lives with such blessings. I am overwhelmed by the amazing life we live that is defined by love. I love my little home! I am convinced it keeps me grounded to what really matters. It keeps me creative in how to make the most of a small space and how to make new stuff out of old stuff. I could write a book. … in the forward I would thank God and Pintrest! I have learned to make a wardrobe out of beautiful hand-me-downs, and thankful for all the fashion blogs and pintrest (again) for teaching me how to wear a skirt as a shirt or wearing and old t-shirt as a new scarf. And those things are really FUN for me!

I know that the relationships and people we invest in can not be replaced by money, clothing, or groceries. I know that there are no guarantees that more money would make life easier. I know that God will provide what we need for each day. And I know that this job is an incredible gift, an incredible responsibility, and an incredible passion for our family. And I don’t have any real answers for those that might ask, “How long can you live like this?”. I’m sure I’ll ask myself that same question tomorrow. But for now, I have to go “borrow” 2 bucks from my kids to replace the batteries in our remote control. (thankful I have a TV!)

I remember my first lesson in how unsafe church was for me, I had signed up for a women’s Biblesudy like any good pastor’s wife. The very first morning sitting around the table getting to know each other I introduce myself and proudly give the ever staining title, “Pastor Maguire’s wife“. Unknowingly, probably unintentionally, the expectations of the women had been set, the filter in which all my words would be processed was in place, the Holy ways of how I should compose myself were assumed. All by those three little words. …And I had no idea!

So when we all continued the discussion of giving God our best, which means giving God our “firsts” (whatever that really means), i.e.- “first” of our money, “first” of our hearts, blah blah blah …”first” of our time… The Biblestudy was saying a good way to do this was to wake up first and early to spend time with Him. So then in a sense Jesus would get the “first” and “best” of us. So something about this struck  chord in me. Maybe it was the fact that I hate waking up early, the fact that I had a small infant child who did not sleep through the night, maybe it was that I had nothing “best” about me at the time to give to God, I dont know! But I spoke up. I opened my mouth. I said, “NO WAY! God doesn’t want anything I have to offer at 5am!” And then I went on to challenge the Biblestudy of all the list of things we were being asked to do for God. Anyway, in the middle of my rant I paused long enough to see 8 women looking at me jaws dropped, and the most perplexed, confused looks on their faces. And one of the ladies asked me, “What does your husband think?” Crap. I’m a pastor’s wife. Crap. I’m no longer safe to share my struggles and pain. Crap. I should have it all together all the time. Crap. I should not struggle or wrestle to understand Gods Word, I should graciously, mindlessly, robotically smile and obey. Crap, I’m screwed.

So where do we go for real authentic relationships where we are allowed to wrestle, question, grow, scream and cry without being judged? Honestly, I have only done one other Biblestudy at our church in 10 years. Im not saying that is the way to go or the right thing to do, its just what it is for me. That’s how that went. I Prayed like crazy for safe people in my life and do have a couple wonderful safe people (not at my church) to learn and grow with, be stretched, and challenged. This is still a tricky one for me. Its something that always seems to slap me across the face when I least expect it. Just when im feeling safe and vulnerable, something or someone reminds me…”You’re the pastor’s wife!” “People see you differently!” For better or for worse. I do not advocate robotically smiling and spewing “Christianese” at people. I do think our role is amazing and life giving to others in the church. I love the idea of being authentic and real in my relationship with God as an example for others to see. But I also have to have my own filter, a “know your audience” kind of filter. But that in no way means I need to be fake or not myself. I do smile and nod quite a bit . But I’m still sassy, and real, and a straight shooter.

Its something to talk about. Its something to think about. Its something we all feel. Its something we all married into.

More than a few months have gone by without a word. I had none. I felt so loved by all of your comments encouraging me to keep writing and even the continued readers and comments encouraging one another was so good for my heart.

We all know that ministry is a roller coaster of ups and downs. And the past year and a half has been the down hill adventure of our roller coaster. I was feeling that working for a church was more difficult than uplifting. It was a hard time for me to be encouraging with my words and it was harder for me to distinguish between complaining and “sharing” honest struggles. I was sifting through my own feelings being hurt as well as my own hateful feelings towards the church. So I felt it was a time for me to be quiet. (But I was in no way leaving “my girls”! )
The journey that I have been on with my church has been Love Story. Not a Cinderella story that you are thinking of, but a true love, blood, sweat, and tears, sacrificial, painful, rip your heart out, beautiful, loyal, tender love, Love Story. I have been changed and will love better because of this journey.

Let me say this: I love THE church. I love MY church. I have never not loved my church. But I have said hurtful things about our church, I have felt hurt by our church, and have seen things that I hate happen at our church. But I know just like a family, my church is not perfect. We will hurt, we will hate, we will yell and scream, and in the end we will forgive and see the best in the ones we love. And sometimes it is in the pain we gain our strength because we have been the most vulnerable and were still loved.

As I am feeling lead to write again I am nervous. There is so much to share and talk about it feels a little overwhelming. My vision for married to a youth pastor is exciting, but it also forces me to process such intimate and sometimes painful feelings all over again, and that feels scary. But I love you ladies, and my heart beats for this ministry of women who are married into ministry. I truly am in love with the journey God has brought me through and am so glad to share it honestly an openly so that you may not feel alone. So that you may not feel ashamed to have whatever feelings are inside of you about the church and doing ministry. I am passionate about bringing voices together to strengthen our marriages and share our own of Love Stories.

I write this in no way with a defensive voice, but with so much concern that many pastor’s wives are told that their feelings are silly or not important. Whether from someone at church or their own inner dialogue. Our “perspective” should be to accept and embrace our feelings whatever they may be and then with God and community we get to figure it out. ? I believe we serve a magnificent God who knows each feeling and thought that we have. He laughs with us, comforts us when we hurt, and will carry us through those treacherous times.

We all will have battles to face and our journeys may look very different, but my prayer is that you hear, We are never alone.

Amanda

She replied, “Daddy’s Work.”

Yep. Pretty much…

Oh, ha ha ha, it’s 5am and you have to go to church early…he he he.

Oohooohhhoooo, the buses broke down and you won’t be home for 7 MORE hours…fuuunny!

Whew, he, he, he, a student backed into our minivan in the church parking lot, ha ha, what a laugh!

Oh, goodness, pizza again! …good one!

Come on people!

(We do often get a good laugh out of his paycheck).

I received this email from a YP wife. I know, and YOU know she is not alone. We have all been here (some are still here) and can empathise. This is what this blog is for, to support and encourage our unique community of youth pastor’s wives. Rally around Ariel . :

I just wonder how many youth minister wives feel isolated. I have been a youth minister wife for over a year and still feel isolated. Everyone at our church is so sweet and loving but we have no real support system or friends. Very few people are close to our age, we are in are early 20′s with a six month old) at church so that contributes to the issue but still, I feel so isolated and lonely. Everyone sees me as the youth minister’s wife but NOT ME, and even if they do no one has taken the time to REALLY get to know me.? Anyone else feeling alone?