Comments on: Church-y phrases that should die a peaceful death:

By: Tina

Tina — Tue, 12 May 2009 04:51:35 +0000

I have only been a youth pastors wife for 3 years- our entire marriage. Hardest three years of my life. I feel tired. My husband is more like my roommate. Should romance be gone this soon? I feel like I have to compete to get his attention. I get the worst of him at the end of the day. Any time I suggest that I am hurting, it is brushed aside as being “emotional”. But I am sure if I was between the ages of 13-18 he would be interested in what I was feeling. I don’t really want this anymore.

By: Aimee

Aimee — Thu, 22 May 2008 03:53:42 +0000

I appreciate reading and learning your habits as a yp wife. My husband and I went on a date last night and he was was checking the texts on his cell the entire time & we had the timely misfortune of bumping into a student’s parents who wanted an impromptu counseling session… yikes! Time to practice some serious boundaries. Your habits inspire new ideas for me.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Thu, 01 May 2008 15:58:00 +0000

I met another youth pastor’s wife when I went home to visit with my family last weekend. We got to talking about the ministry and about frustrations, and she put it exactly like ann put it in the above post. She told me that people refer to her all of the time as the “youth pastor’s wife.” She said that she just wanted to tell them, “No, my name is Hope!”

She told me that her daughter got in trouble at school one day and the teacher called Hope to tell her about it and said, “isn’t she the youth pastor’s daughter, she should know better.” Hope then proceeded to tell the teacher, “you don’t expect children whose dads are doctors to know how to do surgery, you can’t expect my child to be perfect because she is a youth pastor’s daughter.”

By: Amy

Amy — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:52:32 +0000

thanks ann for your sweet words. i’ve never thought about the whole “plumbers wife” angle before. that totally makes sense.
my husband emailed me the link to this site about a week ago and i’ve loved reading amandas posts and everyones comments.
we have been married for almost 7 years but my husband was a youth pastor long before we got married. i like to think i knew good and well what i was getting into when i married him, but there are still times that i get frusterated or annoyed with how much he’s gone or the middle of the night phone calls–especially now that we have little ones.
it’s wonderful to have a place to come where everyone can relate to you and what you’re going through more or less.
thanks amanda!

By: Courtney Laib

Courtney Laib — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 15:40:01 +0000

Hey Ladies,

I just wanted to add to all the other posts and say that I too am youth pastor’s wife (I guess that’s the point of this site isn’t it?) and I really enjoy reading all of your thoughts, questions, and insight. I’ve only been married for about 8 months so I don’t think I have anything to input quite yet, but I will definetely keep reading. I am really looking forward to Doug and Cathy’s podcast. I got to sit through Cathy’s workshop at the NYMC in Cincinnati and I really enjoyed how authentic she was about life, ministry, and family. I’m sure the podcast will be even better!

Keep the posts comin!!

By: Denise

Denise — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 13:41:04 +0000

Just wanted to say that was the best laugh I’ve had all week. It’s nice to see somebody put into words what I’m thinking to myself

By: Catriona

Catriona — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 00:23:07 +0000

Hi Ladies,
I appreciate all of your comments. I got onto the site as I just met a young woman this month who is, as I type, on her honeymoon – yep! Married a Youth Pastor ) I was thinking that this site could be for her so I took a sticky beak. You guys are great! I appreciate your honesty, your hearts. You want a great marriage, you want to serve God, you want to be used. You also are human…I like that- I’m one too p
My husband and I have taken on a new role this year. We Pastor the youth leaders. Our Church doesn’t have a paid youth pastor. We have two commited young adults running the events and caring for the youth and we help in any way we can (cook BBQ’s, extra supervision, washing dishes,cleaning the toilets before Church after a Saturday night youth rally; debriefs, a listening ear, insights from a parents/teachers perspective). We love the enthusiasm and vitality of our youth and youth leaders.
So much of what I have read can apply to many married women. Living hundreds of kilometres away from home as a new wife 22 years ago, I could have used a site like this. We all need encouragement: wives, Mums and (my other new role this year) Mums-in-law!Your words I read today weren’t meant for me specifically, but they still encouraged me. You show each other (even though you don’t know each other)that someone cares. I love the fellowship of believers. I thank God for sites like this and the opportunity for you all to walk along side each other (regardless of address) and serve God, your family, your Church and your community. Good on you Amanda, and friends.

By: Heidy

Heidy — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 22:13:26 +0000

I also really appreciate the plumber’s wife comment. What does being a pastor’s wife really even mean? Honestly!?!

There are so many stereotypes about what that looks like. Here are a few from my mind:

I am a pastor’s wife, therefore I must play the piano. I am pastor’s wife therefore I must be able to make pie. I am a pastor’s wife so I read my Bible for approximately 20 hours a day. I am a pastor’s wife so it does not matter what I want in my own professional life. I am a pastor’s wife, so I have no ideas that may look different than my husband’s. And the kicker, I am a pastor’s wife, so I should be perfect.

Oh, the shoulds!

My husband and I have been in youth ministry for about three years and I am obviously still figuring out exactly what this looks like. We moved far from home and friends and have experienced “church drama” at its finest. It has been the loneliest couple years I have ever experienced.

The line at the end of the last post wasn’t even written to me, but I appreciate it so much. This blog is a gift for which I have been waiting. Thank you ladies for your honesty.

By: Lori

Lori — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 20:58:46 +0000

Angela,
I love Ann’s comment about “You never hear anyone say she will make such a great plumber’s wife!” I think it is very easy to fall into the trap of being a “pastor’s wife” instead of a godly wife. My husband goes through the events with me and is pretty good about letting me know when he has student things to do. I am a huge part of the ministry so I want to go most of the time (to student events) or don’t mind them being over but I STILL HAVE MANY days that is not the case…and we are almost 6 years into this adventure. He just called a few hours ago to tell me he would not be home between work and dinner with a student and I did not respond so nicely!

It is a give and take thing that ya’ll have to figure out together. It is important for him to be able to go places where they are and for them to hang out in your home but it is equally important if not more important that your husband serves God first, you second, and the church third.

Hang in there sweet sister…know that you are not alone.

Lori

By: Ann

Ann — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:48:01 +0000

Angela,

Wow! Honesty is a great thing. Any pastor’s wife who tells you that she has never been jealous for her husband’s time is lying!!! (I think that the ‘Camp Season’ posting on this site will back me up on that statement)

I have been “married to a youth pastor” for 9 years. The periods of anger, bitterness, jealousy, and insecurity still come. I am learning how to deal more appropriatly, but they still come.

Here are some thoughts – – pray. I don’t mean to sound simplistic, but there it is. I pray for my own heart (bitterness is not something I am trying to cultivate), I pray for a true friend that I can be totally honest with (me to my friend, “today, I do not like teenagers.”). I also pray for my husband. I pray that he will be successful in his ministry. I pray that he will be successful at home. I pray that he will earnestly follow Christ. I pray that I will do a good job carefully explaining to my husband how I am feeling.

A few practical things that we have to do – - When we go out on a date we choose carefully. I always ask to go places that the students wouldn’t want to go.
I ask him to turn off his cell phone when we are out. Now that we have kids, we give the babysitter my number for emergency use.
I ask him to go over his week with me. I need to know in advance if he is going to be gone 4 nights. However, I can’t see to many months at a time. Please don’t show me the summer calander in Feb. I will just have that much longer to stress. (everyone is different on that issue, you will have to figure out what works for you)

One more thought – DO NOT fall into the trap of trying to figure out how to be a pastor’s wife. Focus on figuring out how to be your husband’s wife. I have never heard anyone say, “Oh, she will make such a great plumber’s wife.” So, why on earth do we hear people say those types of things about pastor’s wives? I have found that my bitterness tends to be shine when I am trying to fit into someone else’s idea of who I should be. Presue God’s plan for you, and your marriage, and pray hard for His help. (and come visit this great site that Amanda is maintaining for us!)