Using church to stay away from God

Amanda on January 1st, 2010

Come to find, I am not just too busy. I stay too busy. I have found that I tend to use all of the church events, youth events, and even wonderful people surrounding me as a way from being intimate with God. I am too tired, and there really is no time to sit quietly and think a thought in my head with all the things I do, let alone think about what God might want me to do. There is no time because I make it that way. I fill up my time with all of these “fun” and “great” things. No one would look at any of the things and say they were bad things to be involved with. And not that that is even the point. At least for me, I am not looking for other people to validate all the things I do. I am looking for a way to stay away from God.

The few times  I went to church I would cry the entire time, just because I liked it so much and it felt great. Strange to say but I stopped going to church services. All of these things (including my own family) had me feeling so overwhelmed and emotionally drained it was too much to feel God as well.  I would plan other things during the time I could actually attend the service or make my kids an excuse (sort of) of why I couldn’t go. And again, I wasn’t having to explain myself to anyone. No one really ever asked. (Everyone just assumes a pastor’s wife goes to church). I was just really good at convincing myself this is what I needed during this season of my life, it was too much to emotionally connect with God.

So you can now imagine why I keep saying in previous posts, “God is rewiring me”. After all these years of serving and being married to a youth pastor its amazing what I still get wrong. I don’t have a “wrap it up in a bow” ending to this. It’s still pretty fresh and I’m understanding the backward-ness of my thinking. I am learning I can clear my calendar of events, draw stricter ministry boundaries and become way more intentional with the people I do spend time with so that I have time. Time for God and time for my family and time for me. It’s a work in progress.

Discuss (6)

Shari at 11:12am January 2

Isn’t God so faithful to keep drawing us back to Him? His grace and forgiveness is amazing. He really just wants that intimate connection with us. He is a good God!

Ashley Christian at 7:22am January 6

I don’t have anything to add but just to say thank you all so much for your honesty, mu husband and I are totally in the same spot. We’re having the hardest time enjoying an authentic walk with God at his place of work, if you know what I mean. I’m praying through this one.